As far as emotions go, I feel them strongly, they change suddenly, and i can feel several juxtaposing emotions at the same time in a way that is alarming and makes me anxious and overwhelmed.
I experienced this emotional behavior as Sportacus as well. Combine that with the crystal which amplified my empathic abilities ten-fold -- in the beginning, it wasn’t good. Sensory Overload. Feeling all the people near me in trouble, panicking, grieving, in emotional pain. It was too much. And I’d have to take it off. I could only stand so much of it.
My crystal was overwhelmed by my emotional being as well. It didn’t know what emotion to tune into. It naturally tuned into emotions of distress- people who were in trouble. It’s what it wanted to tune into, but it would get so confused, clouded, and pulled away by my own emotions turning this way and that way, and me denying the grief like i was used to with my own grief throughout my childhood.
Both it and I were overwhelmed by each other. If I didn’t get a hang of my emotions, i would not be able to use the crystal, and the crystal would not be able to function the way it should. Finding a new healthier way to coexist with my own grief and distress in order to coexist with the grief and distress of others, learning to work with the crystal and not against it, having to process unpleasant emotions I buried away long ago with willful happiness and denial -- those were the hardest parts of my training.
There’s either be happy or be sad. No in between. Right? Wrong. I had to live in that in between space in order for it to all work and be the superhero I dreamed of being. The crystal would not work otherwise, and I would not have been able to function if i could not find a way to be happy.Â
Receiving the crystal was also the beginning of a huge change in my life. I left the terribly invalidating environment I lived in as a child and entered a new world where those burdens only existed at a fraction. All the heavy lifting my “willful happiness” did back then, it was the biggest muscle I had in me!! And in this new world, it was so so easy to be happy! Like lifting a feather!! So I knew I had enough happiness in me as well as sadness to make it all work.
Over time, things got better. I got stronger. I learned to channel and regulate my emotions as they came up and especially to not let my “willful happiness” bury my negative emotions. And the crystal became less wild as well.
We became more familiar with each other. Learned to work as a team, and eventually became so in-tuned with each other, the crystal became a part of me as if it had fused into my soul. And my dream became a reality!!
