#sozza

Uhh, hyvä kysymys. Niinku henkilökohtaisesti? Tbh Lontoon keikan kokonaisuus :’D Se oli niin vitun kuuma (~33c tai muuta hulluus) ja niin kosteus, että joka kerta Matti nopeasti liikutti sen käsivarsia, sen hiki iski naamani XDD Ei kukaan unohda ensimmäistä kertaa kaunis islantilaismies huutaa ja hikoilee sulle samalla kun sen melkein alasto serkku tanssii ja niiden gimp um, gimpahtaa (tää on oikea sana, sshh) silmien vilkkumisen ilman. Oikein epätodellinen.

Paras muisto yleisesti?……. Hmmmm luultavasti sama. Ja kaikki wholesome shitistä, että ne tekevat/sanovat. Oon LGBTQA+ ja Hatari auttoivat/auttavat mua hyväksyä itseni.

And the thing is he can’t, because the impact aches and all he can feel is painpainpain.

“Hurts.” Aaron tells him, eyes flickering, chin wobbling. But Robert’s looking at him and everything seems like it’s okay again. Just for a second, or two, or three or -

“You can.” Robert’s saying, hands on his face, tears crashing down his face and Aaron has to breathe in sharply because Robert doesn’t cry. He never cries, not like this, not like this. “There’s - there’s so much more I need to do, I need to say to ya.”

Aaron gulps hard, blinks slowly because this wasn’t meant to be how it was. They’re still trying to be separated, still trying not to act like they can’t handle a life without each other.

Aaron nods slowly, tries to breathe, tries to not to think about how much everything hurts because Robert’s here again and it’s like before, it feels like before.

“Tell me now.” Aaron whispers, because he wants to know, and maybe it’ll hurt but he’s ready to hear and Robert looks stunned, gulps hard and then he’s sniffing.

“I love you, and I need you. I don’t mean - I deserve you back but I just need ya Aaron. I just -” Robert’s babbling, trembling a little and moving his hands up on Aaron’s face and it makes the younger man feel alive somehow.

And Aaron still has that thing in him, that stupid thing which makes him want to protect Robert and stop any pain he’s facing.

“Shh, don’t - don’t cry.” Aaron says, a little drowsily. “Sugden - Sugden never cries.” He ties to whisper out gently, a soft half smile on his face.

And Robert scoffs. “Only over you eh?” He says, like he’s frustrated. “Only you.” He whispers, hollow, soft and then he’s helping Aaron press down hard on his head again.

“Shit.” Aaron whispers and Robert holds his face, presses a kiss to his lips without even meaning to, as if it was just instinctual or something to stop Aaron’s pain.

“I’m sorry.” Robert says, starts apologising and then Aaron’s telling him to shut up and he smiles, but he’s a mess of a man and suddenly he’s crying. “Don’t give up, I’m begging ya.”

And Aaron, he knows that Robert’s still someone to stick around for, after all these months of pretending he doesn’t care anymore, that whatever they had was dead in the water.

“I won’t.” Aaron whispers, and for the first time in months, he stretches out his free hand and reaches out for Robert’s. He holds his hand and stops the older man from shaking and then he’s hearing the sound of an ambulance. “Don’t leave me.”

Liv’s getting her stomach pumped and Aaron’s never chewed so hard on his nails before.

Because it’s his fault this has happened.

He hadn’t even noticed her slipping, falling into this pattern of coming home wreaking of mint and having wide eyes and basically being a live wire into crashing out on the sofa and having to be shaken awake.

He should have.

But he didn’t and that’s why he found her half dead near the cricket pavilion, school uniform still on, hand clasping an empty bottle of something brown -

A bottle of mints falling out all over the wooden planks.

A metaphor for the truth being revealed to Aaron in the most ugly way imaginable.

That truth, that undeniable truth now, was that Liv had a problem which most people realise when they’ve hit their fortieth and they really need that glass of wine to get them off to sleep.

Liv’s got a drink problem.

And it’s not alright, it won’t be okay, Aaron can’t fix it or take away her pain.

He can’t do anything about it.

He’s just staring into her room and she looks so small laying there. She’s got a bruise on her arm and probably one on her shoulder too from the way Aaron was trying to shake her awake, voice hoarse, eyes filling with tears and she stayed limp like a doll.

She isn’t moving now either.

The sound of squeaky shoes coming his way make Aaron’s shoulders tense up, make him cross his fingers over and shove them down into his jacket pocket before blowing out a breath.

But then the sound is stopping, being replaced with another, someone calling out, panic in their voice about getting through, being able to see Liv and Aaron knows who it is without even thinking.

“Please, alright. I need to see her, I need to know if she’s okay. Please let me know.”

It’s heavy, filled with this sense of deep fair and despair and complete loss of control and Aaron knows, he just knows.

A nurse is coming towards him, explaining how a man wants to come through, if it’s okay, if he’s family and Aaron is stunned into a silence.

He isn’t. Not anymore. But he nods, almost involuntarily and then he’s coming forward.

Robert’s there, all burgundy suit and wide eyes and flushed cheeks like he’s trying not to cry.

“Diane said - she said that she saw an ambulance taking Liv away.” Robert’s saying, mouth gapped open, something lost in his eyes.

Aaron just nods, raises his head a fraction so that he’s looking just at Robert’s shoes.

“Is she going to be okay?’ Robert’s asking, like he can’t stop it gushing out of him and Aaron can’t speak, nothing is being processed until Robert’s coming closer and he’s got a hand on Aaron’s shoulder and he explodes.

"Get the fuck off of me.” Aaron seethes, he has tears crashing down his face as he lo is at the surprise written all over Robert’s face. “This.” He points at Liv through the glass and then Robert. “It’s all your fault.” He’s saying, “She’s laying in there and she could have fucking died and it would have been your fault.”

Robert’s eyes are wide, he has a hand running through his hair and he won’t stop the way he’s looking at Aaron.

“Aaron, I’m sorry.” He says, and Aaron has never wanted to hate him more.

::

It’s dark by the time a nurse comes out and tells Aaron that she’s stable, that she can have visitors now.

Aaron doesn’t want to see her though, and he feels terrible about it because he needs to go in there and explain what happened and he has to hear her try to tell him what was going through her head and he knows.

He knows she was angry about Robert and the baby.

He knows she was heartbroken about her brother being a mess, about losing someone who was almost her brother too.

He knows, he fucking knows that she didn’t want Alex sharing dinner with them in the pub and being there when she gets back from school but -

Aaron raises his head and Robert is standing by the coffee machine, he’s trying to get something out, digging up and then slamming his fist against it and Aaron feels something jolt in his heart.

His feet walk towards him slowly, he presses the big black button and then a coffee is sliding out.

Robert has his forehead pressed against the machine and he slowly peels it away.

“Thanks.” He says and then he’s looking at Aaron.

Aaron can see the redness around Robert’s eyes, wonders where the hell he went after Aaron ran off and cried in the toilets for half an hour.

“How is she?” Robert says, like he’s daring to and knowing that he is on thin ice already.

Aaron huffs out a breath and walks back towards the chair, a silent invitation to Robert is somehow given and he holds his gaze until they’re both sitting down, knees touching.

“She’s stable.” Aaron drops his head. “Lucky apparently but - it doesn’t feel that way.” He says and then Robert is blinking quickly and Aaron’s leaning closer. “Rob, she’s got a problem, and it’s bad and I can’t help her.”

Robert doesn’t say anything for a few seconds and then he’s nodding his head.

“You can.” He forces out, eyes wet. “You can help her through anything.”

Aaron scoffs, “Really? Between shouting at you and inviting Alex round for a pint.”

And he sees, just out of the corner of his eye, the way Robert winces.

“I’ve failed her.” Aaron admits, head in his hands as she rocks back and off. “I should have focused on her like I said I would, I told her I would and I didn’t -”

Robert gulps, “You tried you’re best. You know how she is, what she’s like. We both know.”

Aaron shudders, “Exactly.” He snaps, “She’s up to no good even at the best of times and now - since we - when I -” he drops his head and something crashes through him. “I shouldn’t have blamed you like that.” He admits, knows that it isn’t true. “Because I know it wasn’t just you, I’ve been - I haven’t been civil have I?”

Because he’s thrown insults when he can.

He’s been mean, he’s tried to make Robert stop looking at him like he’s still so in love with him by throwing daggers his way, seeing a Doctor.

“I don’t blame you. I never could.” Robert admits, holds his coffee close to him and then shudders.

And Aaron can’t look past it, he can’t pretend that he doesn’t see the way Robert cares. He’s cried over Liv, he’s been petrified today too.

“I can’t do this.” Aaron whispers, says it like a fact. “I’m a mess myself and she’s going to need me, she’s going to need me so much.”

“And you’ll get through it.”

“I can’t Rob.” He says tearfully and he can hear the way Robert hitches a breath.

“You’ll - you have your whole family behind ya, you’ve got your mum, Aaron it’s going to be okay. I promise you.”

And it’s been so long since Robert’s said it like that, since Aaron’s heard it and felt a warmth spread through his chest and settle him.

“And you’ve got me.” Robert’s voice wavers and Aaron lifts his head. “If it comes down to it, I’ll make sure she gets the help she needs. Privately, close by. I’ll get her the best place to help -”

Aaron frowns harshly, huffs out a sigh. “How many times? I don’t want you throwing your cash around -”

“That’s not what this is about Aaron.” Robert says seriously, a hand on his thigh nervously. “I just - I want her to be happy.” His chin wobbles. “Because I took that away. I did that. You were right. And maybe, maybe if I hadn’t -” he drops his head. “Then she wouldn’t have thought drink was what could help her cope with -”

Aaron doesn’t expect the way he places a hand over Robert’s but he does.

“She needs me.” Aaron whispers, and Robert nods. Aaron bites at his lip and a flicker of something runs through his vision, Robert hugging Liv and telling her that they’ve got their Aaron back. He hadn’t meant to hear Liv say that she couldn’t have done it without Robert, got through it all. Liv needed him then and, she needs him now. “And you.”

Robert’s eyes widen and Aaron keeps his hand where it is.

“I’m not saying, I’m not -” Aaron fumbles around on his words, feels a tear fall down his face. “Believe it or not, she lost a brother when we broke up and it hurt her so much more than I thought it would. She loves ya.” Aaron shrugs. “So I’m asking -”

“You don’t need to ask.” Robert interrupts quickly, as quickly as he can.

Aaron sniffs gently and then slowly peels his hand away from Robert’s. “If we just put aside our own shit then we can just focus on getting her help yeah?” Robert nods. “So you’ll be there? You’ll help her, me?”

“Of course I will.” Robert whispers, biting down on his lip and Aaron says thank you with a soft worried smile.

The light from Liv’s room soaks through Aaron’s vision and he gulps hard as he looks towards the door.

“You be strong in front of her okay? And then, then you can cry when you’re with me.” Robert tells him and Aaron finds it too comforting to hear, so he nods and he stands and he gulps.

For a second, he wants to run and then he looks back at Robert. “Can you - do you mind if -”

And Robert raises to his feet quickly.

Aaron wavers, waits until Robert is beside him and then he’s pushing open the door. He’s smiling softly and Liv and he can feel Robert pressing a hand on his lower back and everything feels heavy and sad in the air but it’s going to be okay.

He hears the door open and he stays on the floor.

He hears the sound of feet coming towards him, than a pause, then the familiar over exaggerated, “Oh my God.”

And he knows who it is.

At first he thought it was Adam and somehow that was better than this.

It’s better than him seeing the mess of a man he had actually exchanged vows with in a poxy garage.

Everything is just everywhere and Robert can’t even think about what Nicola is going to say to him.

But he’ll lie.

He’ll do it well. He’ll do it easily and no one will suspect a thing.

Except –

“What happened?” He’s saying, he’s looking around and Robert can’t look at him. “Rob, has someone - has someone hurt ya?” He’s asking and for a second Robert thinks about nodding, lapping up the affection, the attention from the one person he doesn’t deserve it from.

“No.” Robert gets out, and he’s still shaking from what his hands did.

From what he’s caused.

It was coming, it was like when someone bangs on about the tide coming in and no one believing them, getting out deck chairs instead and then having to run away as the water rushes up their feet.

That’s what happened and no one saw it coming.

“Then what’s happened?” He repeats, and then he’s so close, he’s got a hand on Robert’s knee and everything rises and won’t stop sparking through his whole body.

Robert finally raises his head and Aaron’s not gone yet. He’s still looking all worried, lines appear on his forehead and they shouldn’t be there. Robert feels guilty because he’s caused them.

Along with the tears and the scars and the pain.

“Robert.” Aaron forces out, blinks once and then twice and Robert has to look away.

“Everything is ruined.” Robert whispers, almost to himself as he sits there, inspects the chaos around him at a glance and feels like he’s going to be sick.

Maybe that’s why Aaron rubs at his arm but he doesn’t want it.

“Don’t touch me.” He says slowly and Aaron immediately pulls away.

He misses his touch just as quickly.

“I don’t deserve it.” Robert explains like he has to.

“Rob.” Aaron tries, a desperate tone is there and Robert hates himself.

“Because everything is a mess.” He knows his cheeks are red, knows that once he had slid down the wall and bought his knees to his chest, he’d cried like a baby.

Aaron gulps. “It doesn’t have to be.” He tells him, still has a hand on Robert’s knee like he can’t bare to let it go.

“I can’t help it.”

Messing up.

Hurting people.

Hurting you.

Robert points to his head and shudders. “Because this is messed up.” He blurts out. “It always has been and only you managed to stop it.”

Aaron frowns, like he almost doesn’t believe it.

“You know more than anyone else how sick I am.” He says, “It’s why you left me. And I’m glad, a little. You got away.”

Aaron almost has tears in his eyes and Robert cowers. “Stop it.” He whispers, as if this is breaking him.

“Go.” Robert tells him.

“No.” Aaron forces out, looks around the place. “Let me clear this up and then we can back to The Mill -”

“Your home.” Robert butts in. “It was nearly mine.” He tells himself.

Then Aaron’s trying to pull him up and Robert can’t let him.

“Please go.” Robert whispers, and Aaron drops his arm, staggers back just a little. “I don’t - I don’t -”

“I can’t leave you like this.” Aaron says quietly and then he shakes his head. “Robert -”

“Just go.” Robert says, firmly, softly.

And Aaron, his brilliant Aaron doesn’t want to but he does.

He nods and he walks slowly towards the door and Robert can’t watch him go.

Because he watched him run this morning and he was worried and he couldn’t help him.

So he tried to grip onto something.

The business.

Money.

Power.

And it had evaporated right in front of him.

“Aaron?” Robert croaks out, voice sore from crying. Aaron turns slowly. “What you said before … about sticking to our own lives. It’s a bit hard for me, because you were everything to me.”

Aaron’s mouth gapes open a little and Robert sniffs.

“So that’s why I’m like this.” Robert waves vaguely towards himself. “I’m sorry.”

And Aaron, he holds back tears, looks around the room one last time and then he breaks Robert’s heart.

“Yeah. I’m sorry too.”

the tiniest little section of angst for you to cry over (especially @robertjacobsuggers who basically cries all the time)

It's all a bit of daze as he walks back into the flat and sees Aaron on the sofa, sitting there with a vacant expression on his face and darkness in his eyes.

He looks haunted as Robert slowly sits on the coffee table and looks at him. "I told the police all I knew, which wasn't a lot." He breathes out, waits for Aaron to reply to him but he doesn't say anything for so long.

He's just sitting there, head in his hands until he raises it and frowns. "Let them talk to Annie, she seemed to know a bit." He says, leg rocking ridiculously fast now and making Robert frown, ask what he's on about. "Annie, she was so upset. So I asked her why and you know what she said?"

Robert frowns, finds his head slowly shaking.

"She said that the bad guys are chasing you again. She asked me to protect her so you don't need to leave me and run away again." There's anger on his face and Robert feels like everything is running away from him, it's too hard to think about anything other than the sadness and the confusion on Aaron's face and the way he looks petrified. "Say something." He's shouting and Robert just stands up.

"Aaron, forget it." He's an idiot, can't help but say that as Aaron stands too and tries to turn him around. "I mean it, she's just confused." Yeah, lie, that always makes things better.

Aaron goes to speak and then there's a knock at the door, Adam's coming through the door and he's going off on one about the car. He's full of apologies and asking what he can do to help and -

"Can Annie stay at yours?" Robert twists his body around, knows that he's going to have to break Aaron's heart tonight and doesn't want Annie around to see it.

Adam looks a little startled but then nods his head slowly. "Yeah, of course." He says, and then he's walking towards Annie's room and holding her close to him. "We're having a sleepover okay?" He whispers but Annie's already reaching out for Robert and refusing.

"It's okay." Robert tells her, fights back his tears and kisses her head. "You be a good girl for me tonight. There's nothing to be scared about it." He whispers before watching her launch herself into Aaron's arms.

He won't see her again, Robert tells himself as he waits for Aaron to let her go. "You go have fun alright?" He says, tears in his eyes as he watches Annie go.

The door clicks and Robert turns around to look at Aaron, the younger man is puffing out his chest and nodding slowly.

"You have to let me in. You have to tell me." He's saying, coming slowly towards Robert and trying to hold his hand but Robert's batting him away.

"It's none - none of your business Aaron okay?" He snaps, like that's even remotely true anymore.

"I just watched you nearly get blown up along with your car whilst I held your daughter in my arms!" Aaron's shaking, feeling sick. "I'm meant to be your boyfriend."

Robert winces, "You need to go. You need to -" Robert crashes down on the sofa and shivers. He can't do it, can't be this cruel to Aaron now but he just needs Aaron to leave.