#soviet hetalia

“When I lost my family, I swore to rebuild another one. They didn’t believe I could do it. They were wrong.” 

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Red prison by EPH-SAN1634

Ivan Braginski has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Ivan Braginski. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

When Ivan Braginski talks, everybody listens. And dies.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Ivan Braginski calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Ivan Braginski's sweat.

Crop circles are Ivan Braginski's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Ivan Braginski can divide by zero.

Ivan Braginski once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Ivan Braginski's PC will crash.

People created the automobile to escape from Ivan Braginski...Not to be outdone, Ivan Braginski created the automobile accident.

Ivan Braginski enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

Ivan Braginski will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Ivan Braginski.

Ivan Braginski doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Ivan Braginski visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Ivan Braginski and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Ivan Braginski once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Ivan Braginski finds it delicious.

Ivan Braginski doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

Ivan Braginski's first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

On a high school math test, Ivan Braginski put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Ivan Braginski solves all his problems with Violence.

Ivan Braginski is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

One time, at band camp, Ivan Braginski ate a percussionist.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Ivan Braginski has 72... and they're all poisonous.

Ivan Braginski brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

Ivan Braginski can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Ivan Braginski can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Ivan Braginski in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

When Ivan Braginski enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Ivan Braginski never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

Ivan Braginski knows the last digit of phi.

Ivan Braginski was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Ivan Braginski.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Ivan Braginski pajamas.

James Cameron wanted Ivan Braginski to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Ivan Braginski was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Ivan Braginski can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Ivan Braginski.

Q: How many Ivan Braginski's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Ivan Braginski prefers to kill in the dark.

Ivan Braginski can slam revolving doors.

Ghosts are actually caused by Ivan Braginski killing people faster than Death can process them.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Ivan Braginski likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

Earth's emergency defense plan in case of alien invasion is Ivan Braginski.

Everything King Midas touches turns to gold. Everything Ivan Braginski touches turns up dead.

Ivan Braginski trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

Mr. T pities the fool. Ivan Braginski rips the fool's head off.

Ivan Braginski qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Ivan Braginski died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

There is no such thing as global warming. Ivan Braginski was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Ivan Braginski can drown a fish.

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that he is going to ask Ivan Braginski for help.

Ivan Braginski once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Ivan Braginski re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a bottle of vodka.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Ivan Braginski bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

If you spell Ivan Braginski in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Ivan Braginski. This amuses Ivan Braginski because he is bulletproof.

If you spell Ivan Braginski wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Ivan Braginski?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."