#soukokuweek2018

The true form of his ability had manifested itself deep within Chuuya, and for a split second after being touched by Dazai Osamu, Chuuya thought he was dead.

That is, until the voice appeared again.

“I am you, and you are I, without the other, we are nothing but dust.”

He saw Dazai through the red haze of his mind, and choked out a whisper before surrendering to darkness.

“Don't… touch me…”

~

The first two days after he'd woken up, he shook uncontrollably. He'd refused to speak to anyone, not even Kouyou, whom he'd grown to be exceptionally close to.

Everyone left him be.

Poor thing, they said when they thought he wasn't listening. He must have been scared out of his mind.

Yes, he was scared. But not of Corruption, the entity that had been part of him for as long as he could remember. Not of how much pain he had to go through in the process of its activation.

No, fifteen-year-old Nakahara Chuuya was afraid of something else.

~

There wasn’t an inch of ground around them not covered in blood. Even they, themselves, were clad in metallic crimson, from their fallen opponents. Silence reigned and bloodlust hung in the atmosphere, sending out a grave warning to whoever might dare to cross their paths.

Soukoku was here.

Chuuya looked over to his right, where Dazai stood unmoving. Dark shadows reflected in hazel orbs that stared down at long-dead enemies. Chuuya counted to twenty before his partner snapped out of his reverie to revert back to his usual annoying self.

“Ah, Chuuya, they were strong, weren’t they?” A smirk was apparent on his sculpted face. “Too bad they had to meet us.”

Easy enough for him to say. Dazai had left him to handle most of their targets, only stepping in once in a while when he saw Chuuya was struggling. In fact, while Chuuya had gotten several vicious slashes to his side and his coat ripped to shreds, the only visible injury on Dazai was a slight gash on his cheek. Chuuya was already used to it.

Rolling his eyes, he made for his exit. The cleaners would arrive to clear up the mess afterwards. His job here was done.

“Wait for me!”

There was a sudden flurry of movement. Chuuya’s breath hitched, and he jerked aside, just barely missing Dazai’s outstretched hand.

Both froze.

“Chuuya…”

Dazai’s voice broke. He lifted his head to meet Chuuya’s soft gaze. The expression on the brunette’s face was almost unreadable, but it pained him all the same. The redhead braced himself for the tremendous guilt that was bound to follow the impending question, the very same one he’d been constantly asked the past three years-

“Why won’t you let me touch you?”

~

It never stopped hurting. Chuuya was enchanted by Dazai’s sharp features, captivated by his fluid movements, enamored by his rare, genuine smiles. He longed to be with him, cherish him and it drove him mad with frustration being so close to him, yet never being able to make physical contact with him. He wanted so many things- to love him and have his feelings reciprocated in return. To have his world no longer scarce of the touch of his beloved. But their abilities created an allegorical barrier between them, a line Chuuya could toe, but not cross.

That’s why, when he arrived at Lupin’s that night, it was with the intention of drinking his sorrows away. He waved the bartender over and ordered a glass of Beaujolais.

“Nakahara-San, fancy meeting you here.”

Chuuya turned away from his wine and saw a tall figure wearing yellow coat.

“Oda-San, hello.”

Oda Sakunosuke, the mafioso who didn't kill.

“Mind if I sit next to you?”

Chuuya nodded his head towards the vacant seat beside him, and watched as the older man settled down comfortably before ordering a drink.

Silence fell upon them as the two took sips from their glasses.

“Dazai talks about you a lot.”

Chuuya merely bit back a retort. What else would come out of that shitty mackerel mouth other than words that spoke ill of-

“He tells me you have beautiful eyes, I can see why he’s head-over heels for you.”

Said eyes widened. Under different circumstances, Chuuya would have thought Oda for a fool.

But the latter wasn't lying. Every feature of his face portrayed a look of honesty, through and through.

The whole truthfulness of the matter was almost enough to break him down.

“But he’s always wondered why you wouldn’t let him beside you.”

Chuuya buried his face into his arms, leaning his head against the cold wooden table. Clumps of long, fiery red hair settled around him. His plan on drinking himself silly had evidently backfired. He doesn’t understand, he doesn’t understand, he doesn’t understand…

“He doesn’t know how much I want him too, doesn’t know how much it hurts being with him every single day, yet unable to reach for him,” Chuuya muttered with just enough volume for Oda to hear him.

Perhaps it was under the influence of alcohol, but Chuuya can’t remember when he started spilling everything to his companion: Corruption’s words, mixed emotions of love and fear, powerlessness and loneliness he could not help but feel.

“I see,” Oda offered, none of the half-hearted sympathy Chuuya hated, and was bound to receive if he hadn’t been conversing with Oda. The stoic man was quiet, deep in thought.

Chuuya could tell why Dazai adored him so.

“Nakahara-San, if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly are you afraid of?”

Death? That wasn’t it. Working in the Mafia, he no longer felt the urge to flee from the unforgiving clutches of death. He’d learnt to embrace it, be one with it.

Leaving his family? Well, he’d come to care for those of the Port Mafia as his family the past three years he’d been working with them. It would be sad to have to part with them, but he was sure they would do fine without him.

His voice grew soft.

“I'm afraid of losing him.

“Even if he loves me back, everything would've been for nothing if- when- I'm gone.”

The climax of the moment passed quickly, and Chuuya released the breath he’d been subconsciously holding in. Facing the harshness of reality, opening up about the fear he’d been trying to hide for the past three years, it made his eyes brim with warm tears.

“Well I think…”

Chuuya glanced in Oda’s direction.

“The fact that you two love each other means that it won’t be for nothing.”

They fell silent once more, letting the soft melody of the music in the background bring them back to their train of thoughts.

And when Oda stood up to take his leave, Chuuya spoke up.

“Oda-San? Please, call me Chuuya.”

~

He’d had the whole of the night before to ponder Oda’s words. And throughout it all, his heart palpitated wildly, reminding him that he was alive- and very much human.

All humans fear, do they not?

That night, Chuuya made a decision.

~

“Hey Dazai? Meet me by Yokohama Bay tonight…”

~

Would he show up? If he did, would he be surprised? Would he feel anything at all?

As Chuuya waited, he thought back on the call he’d given Dazai that very morning. It was the first thing he did when he woke up. He could not- would not- keep running away anymore. He would not keep Dazai waiting anymore.

And when the brunette finally appeared, he knew he’d made the right choice.

“Oda-San spoke to me,” Chuuya started, looking into Dazai’s pupils. The bandage over his right eye had been removed, and Chuuya saw, for the first time in what seemed like forever, a pair of hazel staring back at him.

“He did me, too.”

His lips trembled ever-so-slightly. Chuuya felt his own two feet quaking.

“You know what will happen.”

It was coming, the moment Chuuya had been preparing himself. The moment that would pass as quickly as it came…

“Are you sure about this?”

And when Chuuya nodded, Dazai smiled.

He ran into those wide, welcoming arms.

And for the first time, he felt warm.

It enveloped him in its kind embrace, sheltering him from the bitter cold of reality. Chuuya wrapped his arms around Dazai’s neck, pulling the latter closer to him. Dazai cupped his cheeks and hummed his name.

“Chuuya, Chuuya…”

And the two knew nothing but love and happiness.

The tears slid down his cheeks when the tingling sensation started. Light-headed, he pulled away, smiling and crying, drunk on the touch of Dazai’s fingertips, the feel of lips on his…

Bathed in shimmering shards of gold and silver, Chuuya leaned towards his partner for the last time in this life.

“I love you…”

~

They parted and, for a split second, Dazai saw stars in his eyes and happiness in his smile.

Then he was gone.

It wasn't as if he hadn't expected it to happen. He'd suspected it would've ended like this, but he knew Chuuya wouldn't have it any other way. And Odasaku’s last words merely confirmed his hunch.

“Chuuya… loves you so. I’m sure you understand everything…

“Leave me, and go be with him…”

Yet now, tears fell from his face and onto the smooth cloth of Chuuya’s coat, soaking it with physical embodiments of his pain and sorrow.

An envelope peeked out a pocket. Dazai knew, without a doubt, that it was addressed to him. He choked back a sob and pulled it out.

It read:

‘Dear Dazai,

The day I found out about this side of my ability, I'd already accepted my fate. It was only a matter of time, but knew I would meet my end in your arms- the way I wanted it.

I'm sure you've figured it out already, but this damned ability of mine is the only thing holding me together. Without it, I am but soul without a shell. Without it, I would disappear to nothing at all.

But despite that, I longed for your touch; the feel of your skin on mine. And I loved every moment we shared. Even if it’s just once, but once is more than enough.

That's why I hope you forgive me for leaving. I regretted none of it, and I hope you felt the same.

Thank you for being mine.

With love,

Nakahara Chuuya.’

Dazai fell to his knees.

He clutched his clothes and screamed his name.

---

Fifteen

---

‘They sure seem to be having fun,’ Chuuya said thoughtfully. ‘You know, going wild while you’re young.’

‘Is Chuuya implying that our youth wasn’t wild enough? I can’t imagine anything ‘wilder’ than that.’

‘Ugh. You know what I mean. Enjoying life for once, not... killing people.”

Another moment of silence fell upon them.

‘Chuuya is oddly sentimental today.’

‘Oi!”

Conversation ceased, and Chuuya looked back at the teenagers. Dazai went back to his cup of hot vanilla and sighed. He thought back on the childhood he-they-never had and felt a twinge of... regret. Regret for the things he wasn’t given a chance at in the Mafia.

Regret for the the redhead before him, so deeply engrossed in thought, who never had a chance at a normal life.

It was then he decided to take a day off to make up for their lost time.

---

‘Chuuya, Chuuya! Wake up!’

Dazai drags Chuuya away from his bed.

To a table set with breakfast Dazai cooked- all by himself.

Chuuya is immediately awake. After all, he is in charge of the damage control of this house. But Dazai distracts him by stuffing spoonfuls of the omelette into his mouth.

It’s actually not too bad?

Of course, how Chuuya murdered Dazai in cold blood for ruining his kitchen is a story for another time.

‘Today we’re going to make up for our childhood! We’ll do all the stuff Chuuya see in those sappy idol dramas!’

Despite his protest that he doesn’t watch ‘sappy idol drama’ Chuuya was a little curious.

Though, he hoped it wouldn't be like the time he was forced to wear emo clothes that even Akutagawa wouldn’t touch. Or when he had to convince Dazai not to wear matching outfits because they'd look like idiots.

Their first stop was the arcade, where the duo had battled to the death, and Dazai scored one stuffed toy after another. It was also where Chuuya attracted a little too much attention on the dance floor. They could hear awed screaming from the girls even as they walked out.

Next, they went to a carnival a few bus stops away.

‘Chuuya.’

The brunette stopped in his tracks, and when Chuuya lifted his head to look at him, there was a serious look in his eyes.

‘Why, is there something I need to know about?’

Truth to be told, he was feeling a little afraid- and childish. After all, this would be the only time he'd be able to experience childhood with his partner, and he didn't want to have to end the day dealing with unwanted opponents.

‘You see…’ A mischievous glint flashed in hazel. ‘Cheating is against the rules, isn't it? So to ensure Chuuya doesn't cheat while playing the games here, I have taken it upon myself to hold your hand throughout our trip here.’

‘You-’

Chuuya aimed a punch in Dazai's direction, only for his arm to be caught in the palm of the latter’s hand. Dazai swiftly soothed Chuuya, making him unclench his fist, and interlocked his fingers with the redhead’s.

Both blushed a deep red. Neither said a word.

Chuuya forced dazai into the whole package- cotton candy, caramel apple, popcorn, goldfish scooping. He spied the crazy hats game not too far away from the corner of his eye.

Might as well, right?

Ten bucks and twenty hoops later, Chuuya was groaning in frustration. He so wanted to show Dazai that he was better at this.

(He didn’t want the hat stuffed toy. Nope. Not at all.)

‘Ne, Chuuya, aren't you tired?’

They'd been here for a couple of hours and Dazai was starting to seem restless.

Tired? No, Chuuya was far from tired. If this was how normal people lived each day, then he would give anything to preserve this sense of freedom in his heart. Mingling with people without the influence of the Port Mafia made him feel…normal.

Here, he wasn't one half of the notorious Double Black.

Here, he could forgo his title as the infamous executive of the Port Mafia.

Here, he could put behind the memories of bloodshed and tears; and he suddenly felt a deep connection with the people around him, strangers and the annoying asshole beside him alike. He could never get enough of this feeling that swelled in his chest.

Though, said asshole seemed to have other plans for the rest of the day. Without waiting for a response, Dazai pulled him along to the next location.

(Fingers remained intertwined, but both were already too used to the feeling of their partners skin against theirs to care.)

Turns out, what Dazai had in mind was a cafe  that they’ve never been to. Dazai placed an order for a single scoop of ice cream, much to Chuuya’s confusion. They definitely had enough money for the both of them, so why-

The answer became apparent when dazai insisted on feeding Chuuya using the single spoon they were given.

‘Say ‘ahhh’’

‘No way. No, you're not-’

He was cut off when a spoonful of sickeningly sweet ice cream was shoved into his mouth. Dazai then proceeded, smugly, to feed himself a mouthful too.

‘Aww, Chuuya gave me an indirect kiss~’

Chuuya merely rolled his eyes.

After coaxing the dessert into Chuuya’s mouth spoon by spoon, Dazai fixed his gaze on his partner. Chuuya was feeling a little overwhelmed by this warmth, sitting in the cool, air-conditioned cafe, watching people pass by.

‘Do you think...’

Dazai dragged Chuuya back to him from his train of thought.

‘What do you want?’ Chuuya was a little annoyed, but Dazai’s serious face sobered him up from the warmth.

‘Do you reckon, if we hadn't been born into this life, we would've been able to...be like this, everyday?’

Chuuya took his time to ponder.

‘Maybe.’

‘But do you regret it? Joining the Mafia, that is.’

Chuuya sighed, exhilarated.

‘Listen.

‘I understand that our world will always be clad in bloodshed and tears. But in the midst of that, I've found a family I can put my trust in and will fight to protect, so I refuse to let myself regret anything. Besides…’

Sapphire glistened with sincerity.

‘Without all this, I wouldn't have found you. So I wouldn’t regret anything, even if it means that I will not have a chance at a life like this.’

Stunned, Dazai simply stares at chuuya.

‘What about you? Do you… do you regret anything? Especially with all that’s happened while you were in the mafia? With all the things you lost?’

Dazai’s eyes flutter shut as he slowly sighed.

“Ah, well, after everything I’ve been through, this life isn’t so bad after all. I’ve even found a reason to live.”

‘What is it?’