#sososad

- jössz koccintani?

Anyway i'm crying, i left another note unfinished. this is the part i tell you about her. she was so strict, my word! i always used to plan my conversations with her nonetheless she had so much love for me, i remember that. she didn't have a lot of friends or even people she knew. she had no circle (don't know the story behind that). i'm still crying. i feel like she was lonely after her past lover died, i think it killed her and she'd just slowly been dying the next couple of years. she was so in love, i could not be able to describe it for you i wish i could. so now i'm learning that on the day she died she was whole again. she had me but it just wasn't enough to keep her alive because she lost her mother too. now i know - i lost the same people in my life but i think she knew i'd be strong to go on. she's not wrong, somehow life has gone on and i'm at a different place now. but how do i live knowing that she wasn't happy enough to go on? literally things weren't the same after my moms boyfriend died. i think she bid farewell to life at that very moment and i'm only realizing this now. i'm not well educated on depression but i think this is it. i feel alone every single day of my life. i have no mother, i have no sibling and i have no father. i have a family that could never give me the love that i need so i get only this life and myself. nothing could ever make me feel whole again because i grew up in loneliness. this won't get better but i take from all this - strength. i wish i knew their whole love story but i know enough to tell you that they died with their love. which in no way makes me vulnerable to love but i don't seek it all. i will accept it and i will set it free when it dies, i will not hold on. i'm crying again. however probably the saddest part on my side of this story is that.. the day she was buried, i felt the love go with her. i went for therapy for a while but that alone can never heal me. i've prayed, yelled, cried & threw tantrums but that's not enough. this is about her but there's not much else to say, i wish i knew enough about her. i think her sisters know her better than i do. i knew her as the mother who gave her daughter the world even when she had nothing (so did everyone else) & i know she had me after trying for so long to conceive. this is not a story because this doesn't end. i will think about her for the rest of my life and it will always make me cry. my mother & i were best friends so i lost a lot.. there's no positive outcome from all this & this isn't to make anyone feel anything. i just don't know, i'm trying to figure it out. and me? well, the need to being loved is inevitable however i've accepted keeping to myself. my mother was a wonderful person i wish i could've had more time with her and i don't think she deserved... hold on. this guy on the internet wrote a story about how his past lover died etc. it makes me so happy to learn that he thinks his girlfriends spirit died when her sisters died & she was just waiting for her physical self to depart the whole time. which makes so much sense with my mother & her boyfriend...she was already gone. 'she survived and she'd want me to do the same' i was only 9 when everyone started dying on me but i felt it the most when i was 16. this has no moral or a point sadly. i'm 20 now and i can't sleep without sleeping tablets whether it's me crying my self to sleep or really strong cough syrup, i can't do without. this is what it feels like to be fully alive.