#soshad hell

me, actually rereading the lyrics to anti beat and procesing hte final chorus sounds more like desperate denial rather than the 100% fuck you i hate you vibes i first read it as:

my asshole brain: soshad huh

also [turning away coldly] unfortuantely its' hard to read the lyrics "i just want to die already, so i can be at peace" and not. you know.

"All that you’ve done for me, all that you’ve given me, it has turned me into such a mess" BITING AND CHEWING AND BITING AND CHEWING AND

((prose from atr ch3))

“Um. He- he couldn’t die,” Sora explained, feeling stupid. It was hard enough to explain this thing he barely understood, let alone explain it around the knot in his chest. “He’d—he said he tried. I know Mickey tried. But—he could only die by my hand, or not at all.”

[...]

“But that’s why- that’s why I did it—even though I didn’t want to.” His chest heaved with a sob. He pressed his palms against his tear-filled eyes. “I didn’t want to. But- but I was the only option he had- I was—how could I deny him that? It felt... it would’ve been cruel...” 

He regretted it so much. He regretted—

Not doing it, but that he’d had to.

there’s a lot of potential context i could give you but honestly it doesn’t matter, what matters is that: whether to get kano to let his guard down or for some other reason, xehanort-in-sora’s-body plays a halfway convincing act at pretending to be sora and kisses kano

the joke from there is

> (kairi voice) i can’t believe your frist kiss with your boyfriend was when some old guy was possessing your body

and

> "what about your first kiss” “WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT”

alternatively

sora and kairi talking

“I can’t believe that was your guys’ first kiss??”

“aaactually it wasn’t”

And kairi stops laughing confused as fuck

“what do you mean it wasn’t your first you guys were separate for like a day before all that shit happened” then she leans in eyebrows waggling ready for dirty deets “unless you DID manage to find some time alone to—”

“I MEAN NO WE DID BEFORE THEN”

“???????”

“LOOK OK you were joking about heartspace mediation just being an excuse to see my boyfriend not that he’s actually my boyfriend yet”

“OH MY GOD”

“YEAH SO ONE THING LEAD TO ANOTHER AND WE JUST”

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WERE USING YOUR IMPORTANT MEDITATION TIME TO MAKE OUT”

“WE DID NOT IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE”

“YOU MADE OUT ONCE”

i was smad they didn’t get to kiss in atr110 and so i uh,,, wrote this to compensate,,,,,,,

yall knew this was coming from 103 i’m sure but anyway just. lays here on the ground. wait i’m still holding your hands in this metaphor. does that while also holding your hands tbh. im having Emotions and you can’t stop me. listen

soshad’s canon now????

thsi was like, inevitable, has been inevitable since fucking dead inside 232 though to be HONEST, i’ll admit the four years between then and now have been a long and weird ride of me still trying to backflip out of them dating because thatnks internalized homophobia??????????????? thankfully that died on its sorry little rock of my heart like at least a year ago. has it been two years??? i stopped keeping an exact timeline

the point is Don’t Ask Me About Early Potential SoShad Endings Because They Were Very Bad

i could sit here and wax poetic for a while about how atr110 is a culmination of their plotline---it is, really---and about how it’s important to me for deep reasons but tbh i just like

i love my beautiful gay sons

and i’m really glad that two months ago it was like

sora: you know that convo we had drafted about me being tired of waiting me: yeah sora: i wanna tell kano i love him at the end of it me: okay but......... i didn’t want to rush it........ (two days later) sora, banging pots and pans: HEY YOU KNOW THAT CONVO WE HAD DRAFTED ABOUT ME BEING TIRED OF WAITING me, staring at the pieces of this puzzle which is like a box i have built around myself on accident and cannot escape: holy shit sora: BUDDY I’M CONFESSING TO KANO JUST TRY AND STOP ME me: ..........well now i have to rewrite three chapters so that your anxiety about waiting is palpable to the readers and not just to us but alright fine you earned this

anyway

smiles wistfully at the ceiling from where i am laying onthe ground

(yes i am still holding your hands) (at least one of your hands) (i’m squeezing the fuck out of it to try and convey my emotions, you’ve probably lost feeling in it by now, sorry)

they’re so????????????? good?????????????????????

i’m so glad i like, let msyelf do this, instead of holding back,,,

which i was really only holding back because i didn’t want to Force this to be a Big Plotpoint, a Checkmark on a list of thigns we had to do before ATR ended, i didn’t want to make them an endgame ship, etc

but this feels............ Not Like That.......... and i’m happy

and i realized that ultimately this was kind of The Ideal place to write it happenign anyway, like yes i could construct a Technically Perfect moment in for which it could happen, one that was soft and cute and good, but like, well, let me copy+paste this note i left to myself in

What’s more realistic than sora confessing in the heat of the moment because he’s mad at aqua and sick of waiting for all these things that he wants to have and maybe it’s not smart

Maybe it’s not perfect

But it’s real

there was no way i could construct a moment more authentic than this one

(homestuck has also taught me that sometimes Things Happen and it’s not perfect but because it’s not perfect or the technically ideal circumstances its more realistic,,,,) (thanks,,, homestuck,,,)

anyway

it’s been really fun to write sora’s overwhelmingly gay thoughts And Also Him Dying Because He’s Trying Not To Say Them Aloud for the past two months, it’s been refreshing to lean into it instead of like, shy away from it

just

agh

they’re so cute and it’s so good

sora’s whole thing about choice makes me cry like a fuckin babie (this is the dialogue i was referring to that i “felt so strongly my chest ached” from this post,)

and kano being brave enough to make the choice even though he’s terrified him admitting that yes he does want this agghghhhh he’s come...... really far......... my beautfiul boy

like really the only thing i’m disappointed about in this chapter (it’s only a very low-key disappointment, too) is that like. i wrote some really cute prose about them kissing i didn’t get to use alskjflasjfsf

but in the end i was like “okay no exploring further how Kano feels about this turn of events is probably, the superior option” so i yeeted them kissing out the window

and into a separate 1800 words of prose that’s even gayer aslkfalskjf i’ll post that tomorrow or smth

ANYWAY

I’M GLAD TO BE HERE

I’M GLAD THAT THIS IS THE FINAL TRAJECTORY OF SOSHAD

I’M LOVE MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN

CHANCES ARE I’M CRYING OR YELLING IN EXCITEMENT OR BOTH ABOUT THIS CHAPTER AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT

SQUEEZES YOUR HAND ONE FINAL TIME