#sorting headcanons

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE: Laxdisick as fuck, with a bit of a Bluthyoncé secondary because they’re more willing to indulge him in his fondness for chamber music and ten-pin bowling, his weird excessive love of Muggle sweets, and all of the moments when he should just be a Deal With It gif.

TOM MARVOLO “LORD VOLDINGDONG VOLDEMORT” RIDDLE: oh my god, Laxdisick, I’m so sorry, but he literally does not fit anywhere else.

KINGSLEY SHACKLEBOLT: Justitopia with a Laxdisick secondary. His Laxdisick secondary is very closely tied with Bluthyoncé, though, because frankly, Kingsley could go literally anywhere but Shrugstagram. He is the absolute least Shrugstagram person ever.

NYMPHADORA TONKS: Bluthyoncé, with a Laxdisick secondary. It could go probably go either way between Laxdisick and Justitopia, but honestly, I think that, for all Tonks does care about social and political issues (she wouldn’t be in the Order otherwise), her behavior overall seems more like general go-getter-ness, rather than specifically protesting anything.

PANSY PARKINSON: Bluthyoncé, but with a hardcore Laxdisick secondary.

LAVENDER BROWN: The most Bluthyoncé person you will ever meet in your life. Also, the Best Bi. But that’s not really relevant to her being the most Bluthyoncé person you will ever meet in your life.

BLAISE ZABINI: Literally the only person who can challenge Lavender’s claim to being the most Bluthyoncé person you will ever meet in your life.

CEDRIC DIGGORY: Bluthyoncé, with a Justitopia secondary. tbh, with Cedric, it’s probably close enough that he could be in either of those Houses as his primary. I just feel like he’d choose Bluthyoncé over Justitopia because he cares about people and ideals, but he chooses people over ideals, when push comes to shove, and Bluthyoncé values people in a way that’s more in line with Cedric’s.

VIKTOR KRUM: Laxdisick, with a Shrugstagram secondary. He just wants to play his Quidditch and chill with some people who don’t treat him like a freak show for being famous, okay.

FLEUR DELACOUR: Bluthyoncé as Hell, but with a hella Laxdisick secondary.

BILL WEASLEY: Bluthyoncé, with a Shrugstagram secondary. I’m torn between that and a Laxdisick secondary for Bill, since he’s cool and all, but he’s also one of the only three known characters to have gotten all twelve O.W.L.s and he was a Prefect, then Head Boy. But his overall attitude still makes me lean toward Shrugstagram.

CHARLIE WEASLEY: Laxdisick, with a Shrugstagram secondary.

PERCY WEASLEY: Laxdisick as fuck, with a Bluthyoncé secondary that he would try so hard to deny, but oh boy howdy, it’s there.

FRED WEASLEY: Shrugstagram, with a Laxdisick secondary (because Fred is the one who asked Angelina to the Yule Ball by yelling at her from across the common room and masterminded stunts like dumping a bunch of experimental sweets in front of Dudley in the name of testing them on a human subject who had no ability to consent or not).

GEORGE WEASLEY: Shrugstagram, with a Bluthyoncé secondary (because George is the one, out of the two of them, who displays more emotional awareness and more sensitivity to the needs and desires of other people — like when he reminds Oliver that he’s a good player, too, and is more annoyed with Percy for making Molly cry than for “choosing the Ministry over his family”).

GILDEROY LOCKHART: Bluthyoncé, with a Laxdisick secondary.

DOLORES UMBRIDGE: Laxdisick, with a Justitopia secondary — look, I know it seems like I’m bagging on Laxdisick in all of this, especially right now, but I put her partially in my own House, okay?

Also, to explain: Umbridge is a social crusader in her own way. She crusades for things that are terrible and is, in many ways, a moral guardian who thinks that she knows what’s best for everyone better than they do (not unlike Dumbledore, which is why she totally should have been a Gryffindor, not a Slytherin, thanks much JKR) and genuinely believes that her way of doing things is The Best Way For Everyone’s Betterment.

Basically, just because she’s deplorable and vaguely fascist doesn’t mean that she doesn’t live by very Justitopian principles or in very Justitopian ways.

It’s the same principle as saying that being a Gryffindor does not mean that you are always in the right or even a good person, c.f. Peter Pettigrew, Cormac McLaggen, Romilda Vane, James “hey, Evans, I’ll stop bullying and publicly humiliating your friend simply because he exists and I’m bored if you go out with me” Potter, Sirius “I tried to straight-up murder this guy who pissed me off, in a way that would’ve gotten one of my best friends sent to Azkaban if not executed, and I still think of it as a silly prank that was totally hilarious Remus, shut up” Black, Molly and Arthur Weasley, and Albus “dude, let’s just say that he knowingly left a child in an abusive home so that he could raise said kid ‘like a pig for slaughter’ because that’s only the start of it but I’ve got other shit to do tonight” Dumbledore.

Like, you can be a crusader for something and you can care about social and political issues without necessarily being a good person or even caring in ways that line up with what most Justitopians believe, y’know what I mean?

However, two big things make her more of a Laxdisick primary, ultimately: 1. She cares more about using supreme executive authority to do what she wants and more about actually DOING things than about high-minded debate (whereas, in Justitopia, we would spend an entire day debating some shit and only end up deciding that we need to schedule another debate);

and 2. Frankly, she would choose Laxdisick over Justitopia, in the end. The Eaglecrest Sorting Hat might send her to Justitopia, but Umbridge would choose Laxdisick for herself if it did, because she wouldn’t want to be surrounded by the predominantly Left-leaning “rabble” in Justitopia.

REGULUS BLACK: Laxdisick, with a Shrugstagram secondary — though it could also be the other way around.

Like, let’s just get this out of the way: Regulus’s outrage at Voldemort that led to his death was not based in any moral objections; there is literally nothing in the text to suggest that he actually had a change of heart about Blood Purism, Pureblood supremacy, or anything like that. His outrage was based in, “Hey, you hurt MY House Elf, who is MY friend, what the Hell, that’s not cool, I will wreck your shit, you bastard.”

So, nope. Unlike his big brother, Regulus is not going to Justitopia any time soon. His deal comes down to being a mix of Laxdisick’s go-getting and concern for things like status and being Better Than You

and Shrugstagram’s desire for peace and chill that can frankly border on apathy (because Regulus is the quieter Black brother, the one who’s more likely to have told Sirius to stop making Walburga angry and go, “YOU’RE the one who’s making this home a toxic environment!” when Sirius stood up for himself to their abusive shit-bag supremacist parents, and who joined the Death Eaters because his family told him to and he wanted to make them happy)

ANDROMEDA BLACK-TONKS: Laxdisick, with either a Bluthyoncé or a Justitopia secondary. But the secondary House here could seriously go either way. I’d personally lean more toward Bluthyoncé, because frankly, marrying Ted and telling her family where to stick it does not inherently mean that Andromeda has the active concern for social and political issues that defines Justitopia, but it could go either way.

NARCISSA BLACK-MALFOY: Bluthyoncé, with a Shrugstagram secondary that she would try very, very hard to deny — but let’s face it: Narcissa only really cares about anything when it affects her, Draco, her sisters, and/or Lucius personally, in that order. She’s, like, the epitome of someone who just wants to lounge around with her #aesthetic fripperies and visit art galleries with a plan to buy the gallery, rather than buying the art, and wants you to know that she’s better than you, but in a way that’s too lackadaisical for Laxdisick.

BELLATRIX BLACK-LESTRANGE: Laxdisick. ……Yeah, that’s all I have to say about that.

SIBYLL TRELAWNEY: Shrugstagram, with a Bluthyoncé secondary.

ZACHARIAS SMITH: ……okay, this little shit might challenge James’s and Draco’s claims to being the single most Laxdisick to ever Laxdisick. Because……… no, seriously. He is so Laxdisick that it hurts.

ERNIE MACMILLAN: Laxdisick, with a Justitopia secondary. But Ernie is way more Laxdisick than Justitopia. Like, it’s there, but he’s still so painfully Laxdisick.

JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY: Shrugstagram, with a Justitopia secondary — Justin’s secondary House is probably very closely tied between all of the non-Shrugstagram options. Like, I could see him telling the Sorting Hat, “Ugh, will you please just send me to that Shrugstagram one, this is getting really tedious” because there are decent cases for all of the Houses, and Shrugstagram would only win out because he’d get Tired of debating his Sorting instead of something better.

and okay, I’m getting bored and really do have other things to go do tonight, so I’m just gonna do three more in the name of pointless (and mindless) self-indulgence

EILEEN PRINCE: Shrugstagram with a Laxdisick secondary — and I will completely acquiesce that Eileen is pretty much entirely headcanon, but I don’t care. No one else loves Eileen, and JKR and Pottermore refuse to call her “Eileen Prince” while insisting on forever linking her to her abusive shit-bag husband by calling her, “Eileen Snape,” so screw it. If not even her creator gives half-a-crap about Eileen, then I’m going to love her ten times harder.

Eileen Claudia Prince is my cranky, snarky, perpetually exasperated, bisexual daughter with a permanent resting stink face and I love her. She’s totally done things wrong, but she does not deserve any of the shit that her gross-ass husband or her fuck-up son ever put her through (Tobias by being an abusive drunk, and Severus by fucking up literally everything).

Also, all of that nonsense on Pottermore about Minerva having a husband was full of shit. Everybody knows that Eileen and Minerva were girlfriends in school, then split up for a while, then got back together after Severus murdered his father and got away with it because Tobias was a shit-bag and no one cared enough to investigate his death.

Eileen and Minerva are girlfriends, do not listen to JK Rowling when she lies to you about either of them being heterosexual or about either of them only having one romantic love in their entire lives and it was some husband because of course it was, JKR can’t actually let any of that LGBTQ shit get all over her story, everything must be heteronormative af and boring because fuck you, she said Dumbledore was gay at Carnegie Hall that one time, ten years ago, what more do you want

……whoops, I got a bit Justitopia there for a second. I would apologize, but I’m not sorry.

So, anyway, as I was Sorting………

BARTY CROUCH, JR.: Bluthyoncé, with a Laxdisick secondary — okay, this is almost as headcanon as my Eileen Sorting, but not quite as much. The issue here is less a lack of canon, like Eileen, and more that there’s a decent amount of canon (at least, there is when you compare Barty to other minor characters in the series), but JKR and the text never take a firm position on any of it, which leaves it open to interpret him in a lot of ways.

Seriously, I’m not kidding.

I’ve loved this little bastard ever since the first time I read GOF, back in the summer of 2000, when it first came out. I’ve been in the HP fandom online for longer than some of you have been alive.

Granted, in a lot of fandom places, most people don’t remember that Barty even exists, and a lot of the people who do, only remember him for the sake of making painful Doctor Who jokes because David Tennant played him in the movie, or that classic, “Q: Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking? / A: Because it was making him Moody, har har!” line

(and seriously, these jokes are not funny anymore. They haven’t been funny for years. Guys, can we please collectively let it go)

But among the fans who actually deal with him, there are some WILDLY differing interpretations — from, “He probably wasn’t even involved in torturing Frank and Alice, he might not have even been a Death Eater in the First War and only turned because he went to Azkaban and almost died and then got kept on Imperius Curse house arrest (which is probably its own form of torture tbh), it’s all his stupid abusive dad’s fault” (which…… I disagree A LOT, but okay)

to, “He is seriously the cruelest and most heartless monster in the series, second only to Voldemort; he’s basically a sociopath, a completely terrifying sociopath with no soul, I bet the Dementor who Kissed him didn’t even taste anything” (I disagree with this one as much as I disagree with the other extreme, but for different reasons. Like, for starters, “Okay, but, ’sociopath’ is an outdated and functionally useless term, but if you mean antisocial personality disorder, then…… no, actually, his behavior does not really indicate that, but thanks for playing”);

and let’s not even get started on the Sorting, because I’ve seen arguments for all four Hogwarts houses with him and literally the only one that doesn’t hold water is Ravenclaw (because it’s literally just, “Well, his Father had that one line about him getting all twelve O.W.L.s and he’s a bonafide evil genius, I can’t put all the unsorted Death Eaters into Slytherin or people will say I’m hating, and I refuse to accept any interpretation of Hufflepuff that isn’t some reductionistic bullshit about how they’re all unimpeachable cinnamon rolls or acknowledge that Peter Pettigrew, canonical Gryffindor, was also a Death Eater — so, Barty gets to be a token non-Slytherin DE, and he has to be a Ravenclaw because of Reasons”)

—but they all (usually) have some kind of basis in the text (even if they take it to conclusions of which we can only say, “Well, you’re not wrong”

So, anyway. My interpretation of canon is that Barty Crouch Jr. would be a Bluthyoncé with a Laxdisick secondary (and frankly, it’s probably pretty close between them, with his Mama Demeter being a Bluthyoncé/Laxdisick and his Father being a Laxdisick/Justitopia), and I’ll probably explain why if anyone actually wants to know

But right now, I want to go do something different, so I’m gonna.

At least, I will once I sort……

RUBEUS HAGRID: Shrugstagram, with a Bluthyoncé secondary — because yeah, Hagrid’s all about being chill and super-cool and encouraging and supporting the kids, but he does appreciate beauty in his own way (as in, “He looks at literal dragons that could straight-up kill you if they felt like it, and he just marvels at how majestic and beautiful they are”) and he does have a party streak in him. So…… Bluthyoncé secondary. For real.

I’m done now.

You’re free.

Go on, go home, there is nothing left to see here.