#sorrybb

[10:34:27 PM] ｘ-ｖｉｒｕｓ: about u

[10:34:28 PM] ｘ-ｖｉｒｕｓ: bb

[10:34:48 PM] BEN DROWNED: its fine

[10:34:49 PM] ｘ-ｖｉｒｕｓ: im tired af

[10:34:53 PM] ｘ-ｖｉｒｕｓ: imma go to bed

[10:34:54 PM] ｘ-ｖｉｒｕｓ: ily

[10:34:59 PM] BEN DROWNED: AS I SAY AS I EAT THE CHOCOLATE ICECREAM

[10:35:02 PM] BEN DROWNED: oh

[10:35:03 PM] BEN DROWNED: ok >

[10:35:08 PM] ｘ-ｖｉｒｕｓ: sorry

[10:35:09 PM] BEN DROWNED: goodnight

[10:35:14 PM] BEN DROWNED: its fine

insomnia always comes at the most inopportune times

though i suppose there is no good time for it

and i can't tell if i can't sleep because my body hurts

or because i'm to the point where i'm so tired that i'm restless

or because i never really sleep as well when there's someone in my bed (with exceptions)

or because my poor choices (dietary/life) are making my body straight up protest

and i'm wide awake. 

but, fuck, is there a worse time than 330am to be alone with your thoughts? everything is heartbreaking and overwhelming and empty and scary and regret hides at every other corner. Little things feel catastrophic.

i guess it doesn't help that last night i ran into someone that i had hoped i wouldn't ever run into again (via denial and avoidance) for an entire year and a half. it was bad in that it showed me another side to a situation where mostly, clearly, I really fucked up. GOD AND I SO KNEW IT. That's why I lay in bed crying as it was happening just watching and not knowing what to do about it except hope that it wouldn't really matter in the long run (it did and does).  i mean, running into him was good because i saw how much progress i have made in this relatively short amount of time and felt good and (mostly) calm. but it was a trigger throwback to the other side of the coin and i realize the mistake i made and how stupid it was (bc, like, really?) and i am still paying for it at 3:31am on a tuesday morning in late August. 

I fucked up and I've known it the whole time. And recently it has been SO. IN. MY. FACE. And it's somehow gotten more difficult. Yes, the situation catapulted me forward to FINALLY take care of my relationship with MYSELF and I'm better now than I have been in a really long time (or ever). Yes, it has been so long and shit happens. But it still sucks. I guess I recognize in retrospect how it probably needed to happen in a way that would stick. What more effective way of learning a lesson than to hurt someone good that you also care about... and then realize repeatedly and consistently how stupid that was? and how nothing will improve if you continue to be passive and silent and cowardly. I can't make any of it better, but I can make myself better and I can go forward and be smarter and careful and honest and hope that with time it'll make sense. (But nothing makes sense at 3:46am... but it also does.)

I'm going to read this in the morning and be like 'wtf ew shut up none of that makes sense stop whining', but there's nothing else to do this time of night but to try to make sense of things that don't make sense and to try to take shit from your head and place it elsewhere so that maybe, MAYBE it'll let you sleep. Maybe if you make note of the little things that, in light of day seem to pass unnoticed, maybe you will remember and maybe it'll get better.