#sonny rambles

me: so you see, it’s really a story about grief and it's capacity to change you, devour you. How these two tragic lovers can’t cope with the absence carved out of them by their loss, so they're forced to feed off each others worst qualities in a desperate attempt to fill the gathering void inside them.

partner: I thought you were writing smut?

me: yeah. It's a story of unspeakable desire and the horror of giving into it.

partner: And this is about... the elder scrolls?

i just realized something about my two favourite kids, specially now that i’m going back to my exe blog

so saito and lance right? two muses that seem VERY very different, and ARE different, but you know one other thing they have in common (aside from being self sacrificial shits lmao) and also differ in at the same time? 

like saito is mostly headcanon based, cause we will probably never know what rock would have been like if he’d grown up as a human and never died. but one thing i headcanon is that, regarding saito and netto’s relationship--saito always kinda felt like he’s shadowed by him. because netto is so amazing in his eyes, his brother is so capable and skilled--has saved the net and the world several times and is just--he’s like the SUN to him. and saito thinks he can never compare to him, he can never be as good as he was, can never beat him. netto is always better than him even when saito IS very skilled and amazing at other things.

meanwhile lance--this time his and keith’s relationship. so we know lance has insecurities, and he feels like maybe he doesn’t have any redeeming skills (Season 2, i quote: “maybe i don’t have a thing” yes hi i’m crying because my SON IS SO GOOD AND HE DOESN’T SEE IT) *ahem*

 i feel lance and keith’s rivalry was born out of lance’s desires to surpass the best guy in his class, maybe out of jealousy even, and he’s constantly trying to get a rise out of him. (it’s more about THE IDEA of keith that he wants to beat than keith himself--but that’s something for another post oh boy) he boasts and is arrogant, confronting keith and posing taunts and challenges on him-- but, personally, i think  back at the garrison, and now in space, he thinks keith’s always been on top, always one step forwards. and lance feels like keith is BETTER than him. the better pilot, the better fighter. hell, he sorta admits to it on episode 10, when he talks about keith and says he does cool stuff and all that.

see the similarity? both saito and lance have someone they think they can’t surpass because they are better that them. what’s the difference then?

saito kinda of just...accepts it. and he’s determined to protect netto at all costs, and he’s...almost okay with being in his shadow, if it means he can protect him. like in his head it’s like “I know i won’t ever be like Netto and that’s fine.” but not in the good sense like “I can never be him and i can only be me and i’m okay as i am” no, it’s more like, he’s convinced he’s always going to be this way. netto is stronger than him, and he accepts it that way. (when it’s not true !! saito is so strong in his own way, and has so many great qualities and skills---)

meanwhile, lance is--reluctant. he FIGHTS it. he confronts keith, taunts him, tries to beat him and get a rise of him. other times, they work great as a team! but he has yet to let go off their rivalry. he is determined to BEAT him but--deep down--he thinks that is not going to happen. because keith is so much better than him, and not only him--he thinks everyone in the team has a THING they are awesome at and he--he doesn’t have it.

But all that does is make me not want to revisit my old stuff, try to learn from it, and improve. And I feel so bad for younger me, like why am I being so mean to them?? This was literally the best they could do at the time, and here I am berating myself because I didn't write then like I do now after several years of more experience and practice and conscious thought.