#songmeme

Charlie wonders frequently about what Matthew Lawson thinks.He can’t help himself. He just has to know, craves the knowing. He’s holding apicture in his hands as tightly as he can without rumpling the paper. The desklight illuminates the room, casting a sick yellow glow over everything. It’snot ideal.

Even now, it still feels like Matthew’s desk. He doesn’tthink he’ll ever be able to see it as anything else. He feels like a child,sitting as his father’s desk, wearing his blazer with the buttons done upwrong, the oversized hat falling into his eyes. He doesn’t feel ready.

Matthew has nothing new to offer him, nothing that Charliehasn’t already seen in the last ten or so years. The black and white picture depictswhat it always has. He’s carried it in his wallet for nearly a decade, wantingMatthew close to him, even if he couldn’t be there in the flesh. Some might sayit was morbid. He would disagree.

The picture was taken at a crime scene. Matthew’s crimescene. It’s the most beautiful murder Charlie has ever seen, and Charlie hasseen a lot of murders, more then he’d care to admit. Even in death, Matthew isthe most beautiful man Charlie has ever seen, and Charlie has seen a great dealof those as well. He has those cheekbones, sharp like knives, and a jawlinethat seemed to be rock solid. He has also thought, over the years, that it isodd to think of men as beautiful. Mostly they are handsome. But Charlie woulddisagree. He always thought Matthew was beautiful.

He was certain that Matthew was the only person he’d everlove like that. His only great love. His best lover. He’s taken lovers since,of course he has. The world is full of beautiful bodies Charlie wanted toexamine. But none of them were Matthew’s body. Which was a shame. He thought Matthewhas a beautiful body as well. So warm under his icy fingertips. He alwayssmelled pleasantly of aftershave and his hands were calloused just right. Hiscurrent lover is not like that. Danny Parks is beautiful, but he’s not Matthew.The truth was, Matthew Lawson could have looked any way and Charlie wouldprobably have still loved him.

In the picture, Matthew is looking up. He’s gazing into thesky as if it has answers for him. He remembers how they looked on the day, it’sburned into his mind so he can’t forget it. So pale. Matthew’s eyes werealready pale blue, but so different then. There is the barest trace of blood on his teeth and inside his lips, hisclothes hardly rumpled. He’s collapsed, at the scene. His legs just refused tohold his body up for one more second. His desperate hands tried to findMatthew, his voice halfway to raw. Lucien pulled him away, holding him tightand close. It is Lucien who allows him to stand in on the autopsy, to hold hishand after. It is Lucien who sits with him every night for three months when hecan’t sleep. It is Matthew on his mind.

The one thing he wonders, these days, it what Matthew’s lastthoughts could have been. Was he thinking of his sister and his niece who hehardly knows? Was he thinking of the woman who left him? Was he trying to comeup with ways to stay alive, because if Matthew Lawson was good at anything, itwas staying alive. Selfishly, Charlie hopes that it is him who Matthew thought ofin his last moments, even if that may not be true. He wanted to be someoneMatthew loved as much as he utterly adored Matthew. He doesn’t know if that’strue. He does not think he is a particularly loveable person, especially notthese days. He still lives with Lucien and Jean for fucks sake. Not for tenyears straight, but on and off.

He works late a lot these days. Jean likes it when he’s notaround so much. More time alone with her husband. Lucien likes it better whenhe’s there because his head is full of some notion that he must adopt Charlieas his own child, or some such nonsense. Charlie likes them both a lot. They’vebeen very kind to him, over the years. But they aren’t Matthew. He doesn’t reallyknow what Matthew thought of him. He’d said I love you, but only once, when he’dthought Charlie was asleep. Charlie takes comfort in that, at least Matthewdied loved, even if he died alone.

He set the picture aside, and turned his attention to hispaperwork. He date stamps it, put Matthew back into his wallet, and turns thelamp off, turning just in time to catch his shiny new name tag.