#solid math

I Could hear the water at the edge of All Things : Hammock

#23

Solid math.

Knock knock

Lance had his headphones on and was listening to the same bit of music over and over again.  He is staring up to the ceiling, completely oblivious to the knock on the door.  His eyes are glistening though the tears aren’t really falling anymore.  Lost in his daydream, Lance doesn’t realize that Keith has opened the door.  Sometime during the second week of their night talks, Lance had told him the password to his room, for occasions like this.

Unaware he is being watched, Lance closes his eyes for a bit and hums along to the song, pretending the world where it came from was not so far away.  It brings a bittersweet smile to his face, mixing strangely with the dried tears.

For a moment, Keith isn’t sure he should stay.  It’s not like Lance to look like this.  Isn’t Lance always happy and ready for the next adventure?  Scratching his face, Keith takes a deep breath and decides to sit down.  When he does, Lance about jumps out of his skin before ripping his headphones off his head.

“Keith?!”  He blurts out before hoping he doesn’t look too miserable.  “What’s up, buddy?”

“I think I should be asking you that.”  Keith responds quickly before relaxing back onto the bed.  He watches with an eyebrow raised as Lance shakes his head and shrugs.

“I’m not really sure what you mean.”  Lance plays it off by smiling quickly and being ‘happy Lance.’  He sits up suddenly then turns off his music.  “How’s Shiro holding up?”

“Surprisingly well.”  Keith puts his hand up to stop Lance as he opens his mouth to say something else.  “Talk to me.”  

“Isn’t that my line?”  Lance says with a lopsided smile.

“Usually.”  

The two of them sit in silence for a bit as Lance decides if he actually wants to tell Keith whats on his mind.  He fidgets a bit, twiddling his thumbs and running his fingers through his hair before finally exhaling and looking up to Keith.  The red paladin sits, patiently waiting to hear what is on Lance’s mind.

“I’m..not really sure where to start, man.”  Lance admits finally.

“Try at the beginning?”  Keith responds simply which draws an exasperated sigh from Lance’s lips.

“The beginning, huh?”  Lance clears his throat and laughs absentmindedly.  “You sure you want to listen to me rambling that long?”

Keith just looks around as if to say, what else am I going to do?

And with that, Lance slumps over a bit and finally allows himself to speak much of what he’s kept to himself since day one.

“I hate this.”  Lance says plainly.  He watches as Keith’s eyes open a little wider in surprise.  “Like, it was cool for a day or two.  Then the weight of everything hit me.  And it’s so stupid.  I don’t want to complain.  You all have it worse than me!  I mean, you - you -”  He shakes his head and refuses to finish that thought.  “I just keep hoping to wake up and realize this is all some bad dream.  I’m not good enough, I have no goals.  I don’t know how to be a paladin and yet everyone just seems to assume it’s so natural!  Like, what about any of this is natural?!  I just want to go home and be a normal kid again!”  Somewhere between his rambling, Lance had started to cry again and didn’t even realize it.

At the edge of the bed, Keith is frozen.  This is Lance, crying in front of him. Keith isn’t really sure how to respond, but, thinking back to how Lance has reacted, Keith swallows hard then leans in and hugs him gently.

“I’m sorry.”  Lance says as he tries to calm himself down.

“Don’t be.”  Keith responds quietly.  “All of us have had our moments.  It’s okay to take some time to grieve.”

Lance shakes his head and tries to seperate from the hug, but either he is weaker than he wanted to admit, or Keith is actually putting a bit of force into the hug.  Either way, it causes Lance to falter. “But, you guys all have it worse than me.”  He sniffles.

“So that means you can’t be upset?”  Keith questions.  “It’s ok.  Just...I’m here for you.”  He says quietly.  

And somehow, this quiet reassurance is all Lance needed to finally snap.  His strength finally vanishes and props his forehead on Keith’s shoulder before wrapping his hands around Keith and sobbing.  For the first time since his venture into space, Lance was letting his real feelings show.  It is as if a weight was being lifted from his shoulders.

For just a minute at least… the real Lance is free.

Lance can barely keep himself upright as he cries.  Heart-wrenching, muffled sobs echo through the room as he grips Keith’s jacket tight in his fists.  “I’m sorry.” He says through the tears.  “I’m really sorry.”  The same words repeat as Lance tries to calm his tears.  “This is so stupid.”

Not use to seeing so much emotion - especially from Lance - Keith is shocked.  He starts to rub circles on Lance’s back, hoping it might help to calm the man who has obviously been hiding his emotions for quite some time.  “Stop apologizing.  You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“But this is stupid.”  Lance grumbles.  “I shouldn’t be crying like this.  I’m so childish.”

“It’s not stupid, Lance.  It’s human.”  Keith, while still uncertain of his own actions, pulls Lance away from him for a second then laughs a little at the obvious embarrassment on the blue paladin’s face when they meet eyes.

“Really Keith?  You laugh now?”

“I can’t help it.  You look so pathetic.”  He says with another small laugh.

In rebuttal, Lance pushes him away and turns away from Keith before curling up in a little ball.  He tries to choke down his tears, fully regretting being so open now.  With his face buried in his knees, Lance sobs a bit, saying;

“All I am is one big joke.”  

Keith feels his heart drop.  Suddenly realizing his laugh had the opposite effect on Lance as he was hoping.  Isn’t laughter suppose to be contagious or something? He hears what Lance says and crawls over beside him. “That’s...not…”  Keith starts then wraps himself around Lance, playing the little spoon for a minute.  “I just don’t know how to react, ok?”  He admits finally.  “I mean, I had no idea you felt like this.  Honestly.”

“That was, you know, sorta the point.”  Lance turns to look at Keith with an eyebrow raised and a look that is almost irritated.  “I didn’t want it to be obvious.  Like I said, this is stupid.  I have no reason -”

“You have  Allita, Fernán, Teb, Retha, Yoselin.  And, and, the dog…”  

“Noodle?”  Lance can’t help but be taken aback.  He had no idea Keith paid that much attention to his stories.

“Yeah.  And you have a mom and dad you miss.  So don’t tell me you have no reasons to be sad.”

“But -”

“There are no buts about this.”  Keith shakes his head.  “Saying you have no reason to be sad is just a lie.  No one thinks that.  We all just assumed you were having too much fun to be sad.”

“I haven’t stopped missing them.”  Lance says quietly, still curled up on himself.  His tears have slowed nearly to a stop.  He cannot help but blame shock as a big contributor to this. The other part is how nice it feels to have someone holding him.  As much as he wants to admit it though, Lance can’t find the heart to admit it right now.  Admitting that would hurt too much when Keith doesn’t feel the same way in return.

“I know.”  Keith says quietly.  At this, Lance turns to him with one eyebrow raised and a very confused expression before wiping his face with a dirty shirt.  “You talked about them almost every night.  You wouldn’t talk about something you don’t miss, right?”

Lance turns to Keith and bows his head.  “I never realized how much you listened to my stupid stories.”  He admits bashfully while spinning his body back around.

“Of course I listened.”  Keith shakes his head.  “What’d you think I came in here just to hear more of your obnoxious voice after hearing it all day for my health?”

“W-was that...a joke?”  Lance grins a bit.

“Might have been.”  Keith finally sits up and runs a hand over Lance’s shoulder.

“Thank you, Keith.”  

“It’s really nothing.”  He hugs Lance again lightly.  “You could have just said something before and not bottled it up like this.”

Lance nods.  “I’ll keep it in mind.”  He yawns then, obviously tired from the roller coaster of emotions today had brought with it. His tired eyes watch as Keith scoots to the end of the bed before motioning for Lance to lay down.

At first, Lance simply freezes in place.  However, he can’t deny that cuddling overnight would be great for his broken spirit.  So, with that, Lance lays down and puts his head in Keith’s lap.  Just about the time Lance gets comfortable, Keith starts to mindlessly stroke Lance’s hair.  

“Your legs are going to go numb.”  Lance says sleepily.

“Worst things have happened.”

And that was the last thing Lance remembered hearing before he fell asleep.

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