100 Reasons Why - Chapter 17
I Could hear the water at the edge of All Things : Hammock
#23
Solid math.
Knock knock
Lance had his headphones on and was listening to the same bit of music over and over again. Ā He is staring up to the ceiling, completely oblivious to the knock on the door. Ā His eyes are glistening though the tears arenāt really falling anymore. Ā Lost in his daydream, Lance doesnāt realize that Keith has opened the door. Ā Sometime during the second week of their night talks, Lance had told him the password to his room, for occasions like this.
Unaware he is being watched, Lance closes his eyes for a bit and hums along to the song, pretending the world where it came from was not so far away. Ā It brings a bittersweet smile to his face, mixing strangely with the dried tears.
For a moment, Keith isnāt sure he should stay. Ā Itās not like Lance to look like this. Ā Isnāt Lance always happy and ready for the next adventure? Ā Scratching his face, Keith takes a deep breath and decides to sit down. Ā When he does, Lance about jumps out of his skin before ripping his headphones off his head.
āKeith?!ā Ā He blurts out before hoping he doesnāt look too miserable. Ā āWhatās up, buddy?ā
āI think I should be asking you that.ā Ā Keith responds quickly before relaxing back onto the bed. Ā He watches with an eyebrow raised as Lance shakes his head and shrugs.
āIām not really sure what you mean.ā Ā Lance plays it off by smiling quickly and being āhappy Lance.ā Ā He sits up suddenly then turns off his music. Ā āHowās Shiro holding up?ā
āSurprisingly well.ā Ā Keith puts his hand up to stop Lance as he opens his mouth to say something else. Ā āTalk to me.ā Ā
āIsnāt that my line?ā Ā Lance says with a lopsided smile.
āUsually.ā Ā
The two of them sit in silence for a bit as Lance decides if he actually wants to tell Keith whats on his mind. Ā He fidgets a bit, twiddling his thumbs and running his fingers through his hair before finally exhaling and looking up to Keith. Ā The red paladin sits, patiently waiting to hear what is on Lanceās mind.
āIām..not really sure where to start, man.ā Ā Lance admits finally.
āTry at the beginning?ā Ā Keith responds simply which draws an exasperated sigh from Lanceās lips.
āThe beginning, huh?ā Ā Lance clears his throat and laughs absentmindedly. Ā āYou sure you want to listen to me rambling that long?ā
Keith just looks around as if to say, what else am I going to do?
And with that, Lance slumps over a bit and finally allows himself to speak much of what heās kept to himself since day one.
āI hate this.ā Ā Lance says plainly. Ā He watches as Keithās eyes open a little wider in surprise. Ā āLike, it was cool for a day or two. Ā Then the weight of everything hit me. Ā And itās so stupid. Ā I donāt want to complain. Ā You all have it worse than me! Ā I mean, you - you -ā Ā He shakes his head and refuses to finish that thought. Ā āI just keep hoping to wake up and realize this is all some bad dream. Ā Iām not good enough, I have no goals. Ā I donāt know how to be a paladin and yet everyone just seems to assume itās so natural! Ā Like, what about any of this is natural?! Ā I just want to go home and be a normal kid again!ā Ā Somewhere between his rambling, Lance had started to cry again and didnāt even realize it.
At the edge of the bed, Keith is frozen. Ā This is Lance, crying in front of him. Keith isnāt really sure how to respond, but, thinking back to how Lance has reacted, Keith swallows hard then leans in and hugs him gently.
āIām sorry.ā Ā Lance says as he tries to calm himself down.
āDonāt be.ā Ā Keith responds quietly. Ā āAll of us have had our moments. Ā Itās okay to take some time to grieve.ā
Lance shakes his head and tries to seperate from the hug, but either he is weaker than he wanted to admit, or Keith is actually putting a bit of force into the hug. Ā Either way, it causes Lance to falter. āBut, you guys all have it worse than me.ā Ā He sniffles.
āSo that means you canāt be upset?ā Ā Keith questions. Ā āItās ok. Ā Just...Iām here for you.ā Ā He says quietly. Ā
And somehow, this quiet reassurance is all Lance needed to finally snap. Ā His strength finally vanishes and props his forehead on Keithās shoulder before wrapping his hands around Keith and sobbing. Ā For the first time since his venture into space, Lance was letting his real feelings show. Ā It is as if a weight was being lifted from his shoulders.
For just a minute at least⦠the real Lance is free.
Lance can barely keep himself upright as he cries. Ā Heart-wrenching, muffled sobs echo through the room as he grips Keithās jacket tight in his fists. Ā āIām sorry.ā He says through the tears. Ā āIām really sorry.ā Ā The same words repeat as Lance tries to calm his tears. Ā āThis is so stupid.ā
Not use to seeing so much emotion - especially from Lance - Keith is shocked. Ā He starts to rub circles on Lanceās back, hoping it might help to calm the man who has obviously been hiding his emotions for quite some time. Ā āStop apologizing. Ā You havenāt done anything wrong.ā
āBut this is stupid.ā Ā Lance grumbles. Ā āI shouldnāt be crying like this. Ā Iām so childish.ā
āItās not stupid, Lance. Ā Itās human.ā Ā Keith, while still uncertain of his own actions, pulls Lance away from him for a second then laughs a little at the obvious embarrassment on the blue paladinās face when they meet eyes.
āReally Keith? Ā You laugh now?ā
āI canāt help it. Ā You look so pathetic.ā Ā He says with another small laugh.
In rebuttal, Lance pushes him away and turns away from Keith before curling up in a little ball. Ā He tries to choke down his tears, fully regretting being so open now. Ā With his face buried in his knees, Lance sobs a bit, saying;
āAll I am is one big joke.ā Ā
Keith feels his heart drop. Ā Suddenly realizing his laugh had the opposite effect on Lance as he was hoping. Ā Isnāt laughter suppose to be contagious or something? He hears what Lance says and crawls over beside him. āThatās...notā¦ā Ā Keith starts then wraps himself around Lance, playing the little spoon for a minute. Ā āI just donāt know how to react, ok?ā Ā He admits finally. Ā āI mean, I had no idea you felt like this. Ā Honestly.ā
āThat was, you know, sorta the point.ā Ā Lance turns to look at Keith with an eyebrow raised and a look that is almost irritated. Ā āI didnāt want it to be obvious. Ā Like I said, this is stupid. Ā I have no reason -ā
āYou have Ā Allita, FernĆ”n, Teb, Retha, Yoselin. Ā And, and, the dogā¦ā Ā
āNoodle?ā Ā Lance canāt help but be taken aback. Ā He had no idea Keith paid that much attention to his stories.
āYeah. Ā And you have a mom and dad you miss. Ā So donāt tell me you have no reasons to be sad.ā
āBut -ā
āThere are no buts about this.ā Ā Keith shakes his head. Ā āSaying you have no reason to be sad is just a lie. Ā No one thinks that. Ā We all just assumed you were having too much fun to be sad.ā
āI havenāt stopped missing them.ā Ā Lance says quietly, still curled up on himself. Ā His tears have slowed nearly to a stop. Ā He cannot help but blame shock as a big contributor to this. The other part is how nice it feels to have someone holding him. Ā As much as he wants to admit it though, Lance canāt find the heart to admit it right now. Ā Admitting that would hurt too much when Keith doesnāt feel the same way in return.
āI know.ā Ā Keith says quietly. Ā At this, Lance turns to him with one eyebrow raised and a very confused expression before wiping his face with a dirty shirt. Ā āYou talked about them almost every night. Ā You wouldnāt talk about something you donāt miss, right?ā
Lance turns to Keith and bows his head. Ā āI never realized how much you listened to my stupid stories.ā Ā He admits bashfully while spinning his body back around.
āOf course I listened.ā Ā Keith shakes his head. Ā āWhatād you think I came in here just to hear more of your obnoxious voice after hearing it all day for my health?ā
āW-was that...a joke?ā Ā Lance grins a bit.
āMight have been.ā Ā Keith finally sits up and runs a hand over Lanceās shoulder.
āThank you, Keith.ā Ā
āItās really nothing.ā Ā He hugs Lance again lightly. Ā āYou could have just said something before and not bottled it up like this.ā
Lance nods. Ā āIāll keep it in mind.ā Ā He yawns then, obviously tired from the roller coaster of emotions today had brought with it. His tired eyes watch as Keith scoots to the end of the bed before motioning for Lance to lay down.
At first, Lance simply freezes in place. Ā However, he canāt deny that cuddling overnight would be great for his broken spirit. Ā So, with that, Lance lays down and puts his head in Keithās lap. Ā Just about the time Lance gets comfortable, Keith starts to mindlessly stroke Lanceās hair. Ā
āYour legs are going to go numb.ā Ā Lance says sleepily.
āWorst things have happened.ā
And that was the last thing Lance remembered hearing before he fell asleep.
#23 - numb legs













