100 Reasons Why - Chapter 17
I Could hear the water at the edge of All Things : Hammock
#23
Solid math.
Knock knock
Lance had his headphones on and was listening to the same bit of music over and over again. Â He is staring up to the ceiling, completely oblivious to the knock on the door. Â His eyes are glistening though the tears arenât really falling anymore. Â Lost in his daydream, Lance doesnât realize that Keith has opened the door. Â Sometime during the second week of their night talks, Lance had told him the password to his room, for occasions like this.
Unaware he is being watched, Lance closes his eyes for a bit and hums along to the song, pretending the world where it came from was not so far away. Â It brings a bittersweet smile to his face, mixing strangely with the dried tears.
For a moment, Keith isnât sure he should stay. Â Itâs not like Lance to look like this. Â Isnât Lance always happy and ready for the next adventure? Â Scratching his face, Keith takes a deep breath and decides to sit down. Â When he does, Lance about jumps out of his skin before ripping his headphones off his head.
âKeith?!â Â He blurts out before hoping he doesnât look too miserable. Â âWhatâs up, buddy?â
âI think I should be asking you that.â Â Keith responds quickly before relaxing back onto the bed. Â He watches with an eyebrow raised as Lance shakes his head and shrugs.
âIâm not really sure what you mean.â Â Lance plays it off by smiling quickly and being âhappy Lance.â Â He sits up suddenly then turns off his music. Â âHowâs Shiro holding up?â
âSurprisingly well.â Â Keith puts his hand up to stop Lance as he opens his mouth to say something else. Â âTalk to me.â Â
âIsnât that my line?â Â Lance says with a lopsided smile.
âUsually.â Â
The two of them sit in silence for a bit as Lance decides if he actually wants to tell Keith whats on his mind. Â He fidgets a bit, twiddling his thumbs and running his fingers through his hair before finally exhaling and looking up to Keith. Â The red paladin sits, patiently waiting to hear what is on Lanceâs mind.
âIâm..not really sure where to start, man.â Â Lance admits finally.
âTry at the beginning?â Â Keith responds simply which draws an exasperated sigh from Lanceâs lips.
âThe beginning, huh?â Â Lance clears his throat and laughs absentmindedly. Â âYou sure you want to listen to me rambling that long?â
Keith just looks around as if to say, what else am I going to do?
And with that, Lance slumps over a bit and finally allows himself to speak much of what heâs kept to himself since day one.
âI hate this.â Â Lance says plainly. Â He watches as Keithâs eyes open a little wider in surprise. Â âLike, it was cool for a day or two. Â Then the weight of everything hit me. Â And itâs so stupid. Â I donât want to complain. Â You all have it worse than me! Â I mean, you - you -â Â He shakes his head and refuses to finish that thought. Â âI just keep hoping to wake up and realize this is all some bad dream. Â Iâm not good enough, I have no goals. Â I donât know how to be a paladin and yet everyone just seems to assume itâs so natural! Â Like, what about any of this is natural?! Â I just want to go home and be a normal kid again!â Â Somewhere between his rambling, Lance had started to cry again and didnât even realize it.
At the edge of the bed, Keith is frozen. Â This is Lance, crying in front of him. Keith isnât really sure how to respond, but, thinking back to how Lance has reacted, Keith swallows hard then leans in and hugs him gently.
âIâm sorry.â Â Lance says as he tries to calm himself down.
âDonât be.â Â Keith responds quietly. Â âAll of us have had our moments. Â Itâs okay to take some time to grieve.â
Lance shakes his head and tries to seperate from the hug, but either he is weaker than he wanted to admit, or Keith is actually putting a bit of force into the hug. Â Either way, it causes Lance to falter. âBut, you guys all have it worse than me.â Â He sniffles.
âSo that means you canât be upset?â Â Keith questions. Â âItâs ok. Â Just...Iâm here for you.â Â He says quietly. Â
And somehow, this quiet reassurance is all Lance needed to finally snap. Â His strength finally vanishes and props his forehead on Keithâs shoulder before wrapping his hands around Keith and sobbing. Â For the first time since his venture into space, Lance was letting his real feelings show. Â It is as if a weight was being lifted from his shoulders.
For just a minute at least⊠the real Lance is free.
Lance can barely keep himself upright as he cries. Â Heart-wrenching, muffled sobs echo through the room as he grips Keithâs jacket tight in his fists. Â âIâm sorry.â He says through the tears. Â âIâm really sorry.â Â The same words repeat as Lance tries to calm his tears. Â âThis is so stupid.â
Not use to seeing so much emotion - especially from Lance - Keith is shocked. Â He starts to rub circles on Lanceâs back, hoping it might help to calm the man who has obviously been hiding his emotions for quite some time. Â âStop apologizing. Â You havenât done anything wrong.â
âBut this is stupid.â Â Lance grumbles. Â âI shouldnât be crying like this. Â Iâm so childish.â
âItâs not stupid, Lance. Â Itâs human.â Â Keith, while still uncertain of his own actions, pulls Lance away from him for a second then laughs a little at the obvious embarrassment on the blue paladinâs face when they meet eyes.
âReally Keith? Â You laugh now?â
âI canât help it. Â You look so pathetic.â Â He says with another small laugh.
In rebuttal, Lance pushes him away and turns away from Keith before curling up in a little ball. Â He tries to choke down his tears, fully regretting being so open now. Â With his face buried in his knees, Lance sobs a bit, saying;
âAll I am is one big joke.â Â
Keith feels his heart drop.  Suddenly realizing his laugh had the opposite effect on Lance as he was hoping.  Isnât laughter suppose to be contagious or something? He hears what Lance says and crawls over beside him. âThatâs...notâŠâ  Keith starts then wraps himself around Lance, playing the little spoon for a minute.  âI just donât know how to react, ok?â  He admits finally.  âI mean, I had no idea you felt like this.  Honestly.â
âThat was, you know, sorta the point.â Â Lance turns to look at Keith with an eyebrow raised and a look that is almost irritated. Â âI didnât want it to be obvious. Â Like I said, this is stupid. Â I have no reason -â
âYou have  Allita, FernĂĄn, Teb, Retha, Yoselin.  And, and, the dogâŠâ Â
âNoodle?â Â Lance canât help but be taken aback. Â He had no idea Keith paid that much attention to his stories.
âYeah. Â And you have a mom and dad you miss. Â So donât tell me you have no reasons to be sad.â
âBut -â
âThere are no buts about this.â Â Keith shakes his head. Â âSaying you have no reason to be sad is just a lie. Â No one thinks that. Â We all just assumed you were having too much fun to be sad.â
âI havenât stopped missing them.â Â Lance says quietly, still curled up on himself. Â His tears have slowed nearly to a stop. Â He cannot help but blame shock as a big contributor to this. The other part is how nice it feels to have someone holding him. Â As much as he wants to admit it though, Lance canât find the heart to admit it right now. Â Admitting that would hurt too much when Keith doesnât feel the same way in return.
âI know.â Â Keith says quietly. Â At this, Lance turns to him with one eyebrow raised and a very confused expression before wiping his face with a dirty shirt. Â âYou talked about them almost every night. Â You wouldnât talk about something you donât miss, right?â
Lance turns to Keith and bows his head. Â âI never realized how much you listened to my stupid stories.â Â He admits bashfully while spinning his body back around.
âOf course I listened.â Â Keith shakes his head. Â âWhatâd you think I came in here just to hear more of your obnoxious voice after hearing it all day for my health?â
âW-was that...a joke?â Â Lance grins a bit.
âMight have been.â Â Keith finally sits up and runs a hand over Lanceâs shoulder.
âThank you, Keith.â Â
âItâs really nothing.â Â He hugs Lance again lightly. Â âYou could have just said something before and not bottled it up like this.â
Lance nods. Â âIâll keep it in mind.â Â He yawns then, obviously tired from the roller coaster of emotions today had brought with it. His tired eyes watch as Keith scoots to the end of the bed before motioning for Lance to lay down.
At first, Lance simply freezes in place. Â However, he canât deny that cuddling overnight would be great for his broken spirit. Â So, with that, Lance lays down and puts his head in Keithâs lap. Â Just about the time Lance gets comfortable, Keith starts to mindlessly stroke Lanceâs hair. Â
âYour legs are going to go numb.â Â Lance says sleepily.
âWorst things have happened.â
And that was the last thing Lance remembered hearing before he fell asleep.
#23 - numb legs











