#solful

I can’t pretend that I’m okay. I can’t pretend that I’m satisfied. I I have a real problem. I get too jealous and I base my happiness of what I don’t know. Instead of my usual posts I will be more intimate with myself I will be more real and not beat it around the bush.

I started writing this two days ago, on the 22nd, but I- for some reason decided to held off. And now that I'm back to writing it on the 24th, it seems that God has a funny way of reminding me of the dates and times of promises and events. It's been 10 months since I made my commitment to the Lord to not date/ talk to girls in anything more than I would talk to a friend. And last month was difficult.

I realized the true purpose of doing this practice- which is to remove idols of my heart. And God revealed a lot to me.. I idolized myself, the selfish protection of my own feelings, the past relationships I had, the relationships I was making, and a girl.

When I first started writing this, I was going to start it off by saying that I think that I am in love with someone. But to be honest, I don't know what holy intimate love is and how to balance love into a perfect trinity of compassion, passion, and intimacy. Therefore, I don't want to say that I could truly love someone or even think that I can love someone right now. It might be infatuation. I might even still like her- I don't know. There are certain circumstances that trigger thoughts of her, that I think about talking to her, that I dream about her and I together. However, her world is complicated and so is mine; I wouldn't be surprised if things didn't work out. And, I don't want to sound crazy, but I'm really starting to think about the future and I have a desire to be married and deeply in love with someone. If I'm thinking about her more than I think about being like Christ, then I'm not ready for a relationship anyways. So probably more than anything, my timing is off and I still have a lot to learn before I can even worry about things like this. And if it was meant to be, it will be. I'm not too worried (: --- For the next 2 months, I have several personal and spiritual goals in my mind. I want to read the Bible more, a lot more. More than the 1 Proverb per day Bible reading (which is actually a great plan for those who want to get started in reading the Scripture daily) and more than just a Psalm. I want to get into the nitty gritty of the Bible, the controversies, the contradictions between culture, the painful parts to read.

Of course, I want to get a job too (and the money that comes with it) but I feel like God is telling me that I'm not ready for a job. I was reminded of my original purpose of coming here, which was to find a spiritual father/ mentor and to learn spiritually while also learning mentally. I'm interested in internships that will equip me and teach me more for the purpose of the Gospel. Money isn't the issue with living, dying so that I can live is the issue.

Next topic- I'm getting fat. I love the food in America. I need to lose weight. Less portions, healthy snacking, more exercise. I worked out my legs and core today and like--- my butt hurts so bad. I'm going to get back to 175 pounds by the end of Fall semester. My goal for 2 months is 12~15 pounds off my body, which I think is pretty reasonable. I can push for 20 pounds off if i do extreme cuts to my lifestyle, but I think i'll ease into it for now and pick up a routine like I used to. Good bye frequent trips to cafes. Good bye ㅠㅠ

Currently, my short term projects are volunteering as a leader for SOLFUL (Maple), volunteering as a leader for Kaleo Christian Fellowship's VBS, getting a drivers license (or at least a provisional permit), and finding an internship.

Unemployment 2012, is completely different than circa 2010. The way I viewed it God gave me an opportunity to put into practice all those things he taught from the experience in 2010. I remember where I was weak and where I was strong; where I failed and where I conquered. Thus, I have spent the first month vowing to myself I would not make the same mistakes twice.

Thankfully, my soul is in an amazing place. My heart is content. I do not know where God is going. What I know is He is moving; He is guiding; He will make sure I am fine.

I am at SOLFul because I love my city - Fullerton. I am at SOLFul because I am unemployed. I am at SOLFul because I know my God is present and He will provide. I am at SOLFul because in reality there is no place I would rather be - even when it is extremely and profoundly difficult.

The days at SOLFul can be long and hard. The fifth graders can be a challenge, but I enjoy it, because I know through prayer and faithfulness - Fullerton can be changed. I long for Fullerton to be changed. I long for Richman to be changed. I know five weeks this summer will not change the community - but it can begin to redefine and breathe life into a community. This is my prayer. This is my hope.

I have been told I am great with kids; however, children are not something I usually volunteer to work with. I have been journeying into relationships with 12 and 8 year old nieces I inherited through my brother's marriage. I have no problem volunteering for VBS at my church - but even then it still isn't my comfort zone. I drop in for a week and drop out. I love middle schoolers and high schoolers. I can hang out with them hours and hours at a time - days upon days. Yet, children are a different story. This summer, because of unemployment, I choose to volunteer with children, four days a week for five days. 

It is outside of my comfort zone.

God works in some pretty fun ways. Days before being laid off I tweeted about having a longing for a new Jesus-adventure. Somehow, my gut tells me this is what God had in store all along.

Hanging with children four hours a day does not give me energy - in fact - I am drained faster from children then I am just about anything else. Children are not the first thing I jump into, when I'm there it's amazing - but it just takes an extra push for me to get my toes into the water and once the toes get in the water there is no looking back.

One week in and I'm grateful I have this opportunity. I don't know what God is fully up to or how He is stirring but I do know this is where I need to be this summer. What comes next? I do not know. God is moving. I get to pursue and expect God to move.

In the meantime I get to hang out with fifth graders and pray for them, hoping they will encounter Jesus.