#sojona

I don’t care what others think of me, I thought. 

I’m too conscious about my bad side I have my social media accounts build my desired reputation. My fb page was so not me I had to make a protected twitter account to unleash my not so good side. My fb page is a faker. It’s the real not-so-jona social media account. I even turn the “Review posts that friends tag you . . .” on so I can control what others can see on my profile and control what others can think about me.

I’m too conscious about my bad side I  still can’t write it here in this zero-follower blog. I can’t write them either on my protected twitter account (I still have some followers there).

I’m too conscious about my bad side I keep lying to everyone around me, and even to myself, just to keep this deceiving reputation I built.

My life is so fucked up right now. Maybe ‘fucked up’ is an exaggeration to describe my life right now, but I am a student, and my life as a student is so fucked up.

I apply for a re-affiliation for all of my three student organizations, and currently applying for another one. I just got accepted into one of my org last semester, so I have to apply for affiliation for this semester. It was not in my plan to re-affiliate myself to the other two, I’m not sure what really happen, I just found myself submitting the re-aff form. I can still manage my time, but I can’t deny that these organizations affect my academic performance. I regret I did this, I’ll never repeat this. 

I feel that my student life is so fucked up every time I think about all the requirements I have to submit, and all of them are overdue for at least a week and a half. To make this thing worse for me, I can’t tell anyone about these still-to-be-submitted-requirements so I have to pretend that already submitted them. Why? Because of my pride. My batch mates don’t think of me as the bright student who can top an exam, but I do not have that image of an irresponsible student who doesn’t do and pass her class requirements on time, which is what I really am right now. 

I prioritize group submission activities. I make sure I’ve done my part, so the group will not be late for submitting our activity, without them knowing that I still have to do my individual activity for another subject due in some minutes. Why? I can’t let my image be the-group-mate-who-doesn’t-do-her-part.

Someone said that if you do not want to fall in love with someone, list all the negatives, or things you do not like about that person for you to realize that (s)he’s not perfect and make you think again if you really like her/him. Now, I’m making that list.

1. We both like extreme activities. I like them because they are extreme activities. You like them just to have great pictures doing them.

You’re good at posing. I’m good at doing them.

2. I love you.  You love being loved. 

You’re not in love. 

I’m still wishing that this is only an infatuation.

3. You never ask for ‘that thing’, but expect to receive ‘that thing’.

How will I know if you still want it? What makes it hard for you to ask for something you really want?

4. I like weird [cute weird] people. You think you are weird. 

No, you are not. You’re not different with the usual people we bump into during a usual day.

5. You’re not living healthy.

I think this is the best reason not to fall for you. haha.

6. We are at the both ends of the university.

You probably have no idea what I’m studying about. I’m not interested in yours.

7. I think I have a different version of you in my mind.

I read your posts and thought I knew you. I forgot that a person’s version on the internet is different in his/her version in real life.

I really like watching movies. After watching several movies, I came to a conclusion that it’s not the visual effects or how good actors and actresses acts that makes me like a movie. All I’m looking for is a good plot. 

Since my childhood, I believe that I am special. I’m different from other people -- I’m unique. I do not like or do what a common person would like or do. I’m different. [Or maybe I’m just a hipster]. I believe that there is something great out there that will happen for me. 

But as I gain knowledge of the world around me and gain consciousness, this belief slowly shatters into pieces. 

I’m a 4th year Applied Physics student in UP Diliman. I’m good at some of my subjects, and really bad at others. I like anime [Japan in general]. I’m weird. I like to travel. I like exploring places. I like experiencing different cultures. I like to taste different kind of cuisines. I’m part of two student organization inside the campus, and currently applying to another, and planning to apply to another next semester. I become part of the executive committee of my both orgs at the same time. I spearheaded many events. I’m enjoying my life. I’m stressed with my academics. And I’m not different from a common student.

I am not special. I’m just like a pixel on your screen that you cannot distinguish from other pixels.

My brother’s doing well with his life. He got a job, a car and a house. Soon, he will get married, have kids, and live a peaceful life [from what I can see right now]. He’s a good guy. He’s now helping my family financially. An obvious firstborn syndrome. [I just call it a firstborn syndrome, not sure what it really means]. He’s not gonna disappoint my family and the whole clan. Therefore, he’s living a nice, peaceful, and common life. [But not boring ‘cause he travels a lot].

I don’t like that kind of life, but I think I’m gonna end up having one. [a common one ’cause I’m not special enough *cries*].

I am planning to be a polyamorous.

Polyamory:  The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. -Urban Dictionary

During this APEC Week break, I discover the wonderful world of Buzzfeed videos and met Gaby Dunn, a bisexual polyamorous person, and she’s so cool and awesome. I got interested in the term. 

So, is polyamory different from adultery? Yes, it is. The last phrase in the definition above made the great difference between them. Consent is the key. 

It is funny that I am planning to be a polyamorous when I don’t even have a romantic relationship with anyone. 

So, why did I get the feel of wanting this? Hmm, maybe I’m looking for a lifestyle that will work for me. It happened many times when I was interested in someone and spend most of my time with that person, but there was another person who [I think] got an interest in me. Let’s say, I like this person A, who I believe likes me too, but not as much as I like him, and there’s this person B who likes me but I am not sure if I like him too [‘cause I like being liked and end up liking the person who likes me]. I’m not good at handling this kind of dilemma so every time, I end up being with no one.  It’s just liberating to know that you are allowed to romantically love anyone or everyone around you at the same time, contradicting to the socially imposed monogamy.