#soidade

Eddie’s mouth opened, but no words came out. He closed his mouth, swallowed. 

Steve smiled, and Eddie’s stomach did a flip. God damn it. He had a fucking crush. 

“Hey,” Steve said. “I just wanted to, uh, make sure you got your vest back.” He held the vest out to Eddie. 

For one insane moment, Eddie thought about telling him to keep it. Keep it? Really? A metalhead didn’t give away his battle vest, especially not to someone he barely knew. Eddie had spent years collecting all those pins and patches, saving up to get them at concerts, sewing them on by hand. He might as well ask the guy for his hand in marriage. 

“Thanks,” Eddie said instead, taking the vest from Steve. 

“So, how are you holding up?” 

Eddie laughed. “Me? You’re the one who almost died, dude.” 

Steve shrugged. “Not the first time.” 

“That doesn’t make it better. Probably worse, actually.” 

Steve shook his head. “I’ll be fine.” His smile looked a little forced now. Great. Eddie must be annoying him. He never did know when to keep his mouth shut. 

“Yeah.” Eddie punched Steve’s arm lightly. “I know you will. You’re the big hero. You’re gonna kick the bad guy’s ass, save the town. Get the girl,” he added. 

Steve looked down. “It’s not like that.” 

Eddie’s heart sank. This could be their last conversation, and Eddie was fucking it up. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s fine,” Steve said quickly. “You’re right. I was hung up on Nancy for way too long. But we’re not right for each other. I– I get that now.” 

“What do you mean? The way you look at each other,” Eddie said. “The way she jumped into the lake after you.” 

“So did Robin.” Steve looked Eddie in the eye. Eddie couldn’t read his expression. “So did you.” 

Eddie put his hands up. “Peer pressure, man. Everybody was doing it.” He made himself laugh, like it was no big deal, when he knew he must have been looking at Steve pretty much the same way Nancy had been. 

“You didn’t accuse me and Robin of being in love.” 

“Well, no. You’re obviously not.” 

“I wish Dustin could see that. He’s constantly trying to get us together.”  

Eddie laughed, for real this time. “Isn’t that kid supposed to be smart? Really barking up the wrong tree there.” 

“Yeah,” Steve said, smiling a little before he stopped, looking curiously at Eddie. “Wait. What do you mean by that?” 

“Robin’s– She’s not really– It just doesn’t seem like you’re her type.” He raised his eyebrows at Steve. 

Steve frowned. “What do you–” Steve paused. He must know what Eddie meant by that, now. “Where did you hear that?” His voice was flat, cold. 

“I heard you two talking about a girl named Vickie? But I kind of figured, before that. I just didn’t know for sure.” 

“How?” Steve spoke quietly. It was the first time, in all of this, that Eddie had heard him actually sound scared. It made Eddie’s heart ache, to hear the fear in his voice, to see the cracks in that tough exterior. And it made Eddie’s heart ache to hear how much Steve cared about his friend, how much he wanted to protect her secret. 

“I don’t know.” Eddie scrambled for an answer that wasn’t the truth, but also wouldn’t make Steve worry. 

“You just figured? What do you mean? Did she do something? Did I do something?” 

“No,” Eddie said quickly. “Nothing. I—” Fuck it. What was Steve going to do, beat him up? Haul him back to town and let the angry mob at him? No. Because Steve Harrington was a genuinely nice guy, a fact that was really fucking with Eddie’s head right now. “It’s just like gay intuition or something. Ask Robin. She has it too. The first time she looked at me, I knew she had my number. She could tell.” 

Steve’s brow furrowed. “She could tell? That you’re…” he trailed off. 

“Gay. Yeah.” 

“Oh.” Steve’s expression was unreadable again. 

Eddie took a step back, licking his lips nervously. He thought it would be fine, or maybe just hoped so. Maybe the stupid crush was clouding his judgment. Either way, it was probably best to get out of punching range. 

Steve was silent for a moment. Eddie thought Steve must be running through all of their interactions again with this new context. The casual touches, the compliments, the–in retrospect–obvious flirting. Eddie was such an idiot. He moved further away. 

“Where are you going?” 

“Nowhere. I just, uh– I don’t know.” 

A look of realization crossed Steve’s face. “Dude, come on. I’m not gonna– Robin’s my best friend.”

“I know. But lots of guys are cool with it when it’s a girl. Two girls together is hot, right? A gay guy, that’s different.” 

Steve laughed, shaking his head a little. “Yeah, it’s definitely different.” 

What did he mean by that? Clearly he didn’t hate Eddie, didn’t seem disgusted by him, wasn’t rushing to get away from him. So what was the difference between how he felt about Robin being gay, and how he felt about Eddie being gay? 

“How is it different?” Eddie shouldn’t ask. He probably didn’t want to know. But the words came out before he had the chance to stop them. 

Steve stared at Eddie for a moment, brow furrowed and eyes searching. “I wish I’d listened to Dustin.” 

“What?” 

“He kept telling me I should meet you. That we would be friends. I didn’t believe him.” 

Eddie shrugged, hands out. “Don’t worry about it, Steve. I felt the same way when he told me about you. Guess we were both wrong.” 

Steve nodded. “But we can hang out. After the big fight. When all this is over.”

“I’m not sure if this is ever gonna be over for me, Steve.” He was beginning to doubt whether he would even be around for after.

“No. You’re right. It’s never over, not for any of us. That shit sticks with you.”

“So do murder charges.” Even if Eddie did make it through their plan alive, what did he really have waiting for him on the other side? Everyone thought he was a serial killer. 

“No, I’m telling you, man. The government knows all about this Upside Down stuff. They always cover it up. They’re gonna come in and explain everything away, like they did with the mall. Everyone believes that fire story.” 

“Steve.” Eddie looked at him sadly. “Did it ever occur to you that the easiest way to come up with a story everyone believes…” He paused. “Would be to use the story they already believe?” 

“But–” Steve shook his head. “You’re innocent.” 

“You think that’s ever stopped the government?” 

“Jesus.” Steve sat on the couch, looking at his hands. 

Eddie sat down next to him. “It’s okay,” he said. He put his arm up on the back of the couch, but kept it as far as he could from Steve’s shoulders. “You’re probably right. It’ll probably be fine.” 

Steve looked intensely at Eddie. Their faces were inches apart, and Eddie’s heart was racing. 

“You asked me earlier,” Steve said quietly. “Why it was different, with you and Robin. It’s actually, weirdly, exactly the same.” He looked away from Eddie, bit his lip. His eyes flicked briefly upward. “Because when Robin told me– At that time, I kind of had a thing for her.” Steve looked back at Eddie with a half smile and his eyebrows raised, expectant. 

“I don’t–” Eddie pulled his arm toward himself, shrinking away from Steve. 

Steve had a thing for Robin, and it was the same, somehow the same, with Eddie. But it couldn’t be the same. There was no way. Steve couldn’t have a thing for Eddie. He was straight, and in love with Nancy Wheeler, and wouldn’t have been caught dead with Eddie a week ago. How could it be the same? 

Steve must have figured out that Eddie liked him. It wasn’t so different from the situation with Robin. One person had a crush that was rejected due to incompatible sexualities. Close enough. 

Eddie’s first instinct was to deny it outright, but protesting too much might make it even more obvious. He decided to just play dumb. “What do you mean?” 

“If you’re right,” Steve began. “If this doesn’t all work out, then this might be my only chance.” 

“Your only chance for what?” Eddie barely got the words out before Steve’s lips were on his. 

Eddie froze, for a second. This couldn’t be real. It didn’t make any sense. But, he reasoned, nothing about the events of the past few days made any sense. Why did this have to? He relaxed, parting his lips and feeling Steve’s tongue slide between them. He put a hand on Steve’s jaw, then wrapped it around to the back of his head, pulling him closer. Steve’s hand went to Eddie’s waist, and Eddie wanted to do the same, hovering briefly before he remembered the wounds. It was too bad, because he would have loved to get a hand under the vest– Eddie’s vest. Watching him run around in that vest had been driving Eddie crazy, and a part of him wanted to tear it off of him. Another part wanted to leave it on, to do unspeakable things to Steve while he was wearing it. 

The hand on Eddie’s waist traveled to the edge of his t-shirt, toying with it tentatively before going underneath to touch Eddie’s skin. Eddie thought about stopping him, thought about how long it had been since he’d had a shower, how gross he probably was, but it was the end of the fucking world. Steve was gross, too, and Eddie thought it was hot as hell. Who could have guessed how good Steve Harrington looked covered in blood and grime? 

Eddie pulled away to shrug out of his leather jacket. He had barely taken a breath while they were kissing, and he was panting a little. 

“Need a second to catch your breath?” Steve smirked at Eddie. His breathing was even, seemingly unaffected. 

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “Not all of us were on the swim team.” 

“Captain of the swim team,” Steve corrected. 

“I thought it was co-captain.” 

“So you were listening.” 

“You caught me.” Eddie smiled, then leaned forward to kiss Steve again. 

It wasn’t long before Steve broke the kiss again, his eyes traveling up and down Eddie’s body. 

“Co-captain needs a break now?” Eddie asked. 

“No,” Steve said. “I can hold my breath for almost five minutes.” 

“That,” Eddie said, tilting his head and widening his eyes. “Is very interesting.” Eddie had a lot of thoughts about that, but he tried not to dwell on them for too long. He was getting ahead of himself. 

“Is it?” Steve asked, smiling. Eddie wondered if Steve knew what he was thinking. He also wondered if he should be embarrassed about that, but he didn’t have much time to think about it before Steve was pulling off Eddie’s shirt. “Is this okay?” 

“Yeah,” Eddie said. It was more than okay. It was great, almost unbelievably so. It would be perfect if not for the circumstances, and if not for Steve’s injuries, which Eddie eyed warily. “Um, I don’t want to hurt you.” 

Steve shook his head. “Don’t worry about me right now.” He ran his hands down Eddie’s chest, stopping at his belt. He raised an eyebrow. “Handcuffs?” 

Eddie smirked. “Wouldn’t you like to know, Steve?” 

Steve smiled. “Yeah, I think I would.” He pulled the end of Eddie’s belt out of the loops, and Eddie’s heart was beating so hard that he could hear it pounding in his head, couldn’t hear much else. 

And then the pounding was outside his head, on the door of the Winnebago, and they sprang apart. 

“What are you guys doing in there?” Dustin was yelling through the door. “Why is the door locked?” 

“You locked the door?” Eddie whispered. 

Steve gave Eddie a shrug and a half-smile, like who, me? Smug bastard. He planned this. Or at least part of it. Eddie wondered if Steve had guessed how far it would go. How far it would have gone, if not for Dustin banging on the door. 

“Guys?” Dustin’s voice got louder. “Is everything okay in there?” 

“It’s fine,” Steve yelled. “Can you give me a goddamn minute, please?” 

“Hurry the hell up,” Dustin yelled back. “We’ve got shit to do!” 

Steve shook his head. “That kid. I swear to god.” He looked at Eddie, who had fixed his belt and was now putting his shirt back on. “Sorry.” 

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Eddie said. “I, um– That was nice.” 

“Could have been nicer,” Steve said, gesturing toward the door. “Maybe it’s good he interrupted. I didn’t even take you out to dinner first.” 

Eddie laughed. It was weird, thinking about going on an actual date with Steve Harrington. He couldn’t quite picture it. 

“Now we have to get through this, so I can take you out to celebrate. Dinner, movie, the whole thing. Or whatever you want, if that doesn’t sound–” 

“Dinner and a movie sounds good,” Eddie said. It did sound good. Even if he couldn’t picture it, he would have liked to. He wanted to see what that looked like. 

Steve smiled. “Okay, then it’s a date.” 

Eddie smiled back, nodding. “Okay.” He really, really would have liked to see that. 

Later, when they were all dressed in probably-useless tactical gear, laden with makeshift weapons and lofty plans, Eddie promised Steve that he wouldn’t try to be a hero. He smiled, as genuinely as he could, but Steve didn’t look convinced. When he finally turned away, leaving Dustin and Eddie to their part of the plan, Eddie stopped him. 

“Hey, Steve?” When Steve turned around, Eddie held his gaze as long as he could, drinking in the sight of his face for the last time. Eddie wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. 

You go with Dustin. Let me do the dangerous part. I’ve got nothing to lose. But he had Steve to lose, and that was the whole thing, wasn’t it? I love you. But that wasn’t quite right. He barely knew him, he couldn’t be that sure yet. I could have fallen in love with you. That was better. That was true. He was already partway there. I’m having second thoughts. I don’t know if I can do this. The plan, the plan. He could do that. That was the easy part. But Eddie had been cooking up his own plan, for a while now, and Steve had messed it up. Steve had given him something to look forward to, a reason to get through this. The date. Eddie knew it could never happen. There were dozens of reasons why it couldn’t happen. But he wanted it to. 

I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it to our date. That was what Eddie wanted to say. That was what Eddie would say, if he had the nerve, if he weren’t such a coward. But maybe, if things went according to plan, Eddie’s plan, Steve could remember him as a hero. 

Eddie had to say something. He’d hesitated too long. People would start to get suspicious. 

“Make him pay.” 

Robin’s eyes widened. Part of her wanted to say yes, tell me, please, I need to know. She felt almost desperate in her need to make a connection with someone like her. But she knew how she would feel if Steve told someone about her without her permission. She sighed. “Probably not,” she said. “Definitely not,” she corrected. “You promised.”

“Yeah,” Steve said, deflated. “That’s what I figured.” He was quiet for a moment, then looked at Robin again. “Can I tell the person about you?”

Robin considered. The prospect of talking with this person was exciting, but she wasn’t sure. “It depends who it is,” she said finally.

Steve threw up his hands, exasperated. “You just said I can’t tell you that.”

“I know,” Robin said. “I just– it’s hard.”

Steve’s face softened. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Robin shrugged. “It’s okay.”

They were silent as Steve started the car and started the drive toward Robin’s house. Her brain was going a mile a minute, but she managed to keep her mouth from doing the same. Finally, she had a thought she felt was worth sharing.

“What if you went to this person,” she said, speaking slowly, deliberately, considering her words carefully. “And told them you have a gay friend, but don’t say who. And tell them that I want to meet, and you can set up a time, and then we both have the chance to chicken out if we decide we don’t want to do it.”

Steve tilted his head from side to side, considering. “That could work.” He stopped the car in front of Robin’s house. “Oh,” he said. “I should say, this person’s not like a dating prospect for you or anything. If that makes a difference.”

Robin hadn’t even allowed herself to consider that, but it did narrow it down. So it was a guy, or someone who wasn’t around her age. Maybe both, considering the group Steve spent a lot of his time with. “Doesn’t make a difference,” she said as she got out of the car. “Just let me know when.” They said their goodbyes, and Robin walked into her house. She knew she would be thinking about this constantly until Steve got back to her.

It didn’t take long, though. Less than a week later, Steve told Robin that it was all set. They would meet at Steve’s house, which was going to be empty that weekend as it often was these days. Neutral territory, a chance to back out if they needed to. Robin knew now that she wouldn’t. She couldn’t, not now.

That Saturday, Robin got to Steve’s house early. She sat on the couch with him, jiggling her foot and rambling about nothing in particular. Steve just nodded along. He probably wasn’t paying any attention, but she appreciated the fact that he didn’t tell her to sit still and shut up. There was no way that was going to happen anyway.

Robin heard a car pull up and jumped to her feet. Steve held her back.

“Give him a second,” Steve said.

Robin sat down again. Him. So it was a guy. She squinted, trying to see through the window despite the distance and sun shining directly in her eyes. She saw a glimpse of a face through the front windshield of the car that was now parked in front of the house. She craned her neck, trying to get a better view.

Jonathan. Oh god, it was Jonathan? Robin’s thoughts started spiraling out of control immediately. She was friends with Nancy now, she knew they hadn’t broken up, knew that Nancy was happy, that she thought Jonathan was too. But he was lying to her, not that she blamed him, she knew how hard it was to tell anyone, and she was sure he loved Nancy on some level, but it really wasn’t fair to string her along like that, to tell Steve for some reason but not talk to Nancy. How was Robin supposed to talk to him? How could she know this and then talk to Nancy, act like nothing was different, like nothing was wrong? How could–

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a car door slamming shut. The passenger side. With the glare of the sun, she hadn’t noticed that anyone was in the passenger seat. Jonathan gave the other person a smile and a wave, then drove off.

“Oh,” Robin said with a sigh of relief.

“Oh what?” Steve asked.

“I thought–”

There was a knock on the door, but Steve waited, looking at her expectantly.

She waved a hand at him, waving away all those nervous thoughts about Jonathan. “Don’t worry about it. Answer the door.”

Steve stood, walked to the front door, and opened it. Standing on the front step, looking even more nervous than Robin felt, was Will Byers.

Will looked past Steve, spotting her on the couch. She smiled gently.

“Hi,” she said.

Will smiled back, and Robin thought she could see some relief break through his anxious expression. “Hi,” he said.

“I’m gonna go upstairs,” Steve said, pointing. “Let you two talk. I’m here if you need me.” He walked quickly, giving a final glance to Robin and Will before he got to the stairs. He gave them a thumbs up. Robin rolled her eyes.

Will sat, not next to Robin but in an armchair that was angled toward her. It was good, Robin thought, it would be easier to talk if they could see each other. But Will didn’t look at her. He sat hunched over, staring at his hands which were folded in his lap.

“Um,” Robin said. She wasn’t good with words, but apparently she was going to have to lead this conversation. “How are you doing?”

Will shrugged. “Okay.” He glanced up at Robin for a second, then looked back down.

Robin had only seen Will a few times since he moved back from California, and his appearance still surprised her. Her mental picture of Will was still the scared boy at the mall, so small and fragile-looking. But now he was so tall, maybe taller than Robin, and his voice was changing, and he wasn’t a little boy anymore.

But he still looked scared. He still looked fragile.

Robin wanted to say something to put Will at ease, but she wasn’t even sure how to put herself at ease right now. “I guess Steve’s the cool person to come out to,” she said after a moment, hoping a joke would break the tension.

Will laughed. It was barely a laugh, but Robin saw the corners of his mouth turn up and heard his short exhale. “I guess so. I didn’t really plan to tell him. He said I seemed down lately and asked if I wanted to talk about it. He’s easy to talk to. It just came out.”

Robin raised a finger. “Ha. Came out.”

Will raised a skeptical eyebrow. Okay, wordplay wasn’t the tactic with him. But at least they were talking.

“I know what you mean,” Robin said. “Well, probably part of the reason I told him was because of the truth serum or whatever that the Russians injected us with, but he is easy to talk to.”

Will looked at her quizzically, and she wondered if he hadn’t heard that part of the story. But that wasn’t what she was here to talk about.

“So did you just figure it out?” Robin asked. “Is that why you’ve been down about it?”

“No,” Will said. “Well, kind of. It’s a long story.”

“I’ve got time.”

Will sighed, then looked back down at his hands as he began to speak. “People have been calling me gay basically my whole life. And– and other words.” He curled in on himself, like he wanted to shrink away, to make himself too small for anyone to notice. Robin knew the feeling. “The kids at school. My dad.”

Robin’s chest hurt. She couldn’t imagine how that would feel, coming from her own parents. Actually, she had imagined it many times, and had resolved never to tell them because even the imagining was too painful.

“So I guess I kind of always knew, or maybe feared, that it was true. I knew I didn’t like girls, but I thought maybe I just didn’t like anyone like that. But there was this moment last summer, before all the stuff at the mall. It was like something broke inside of me, and I suddenly just knew. For sure. I was devastated.”

Robin was afraid if she spoke, she might start crying. She swallowed hard. “I had a moment like that.” She was surprised, and relieved, that her voice still sounded calm. “First day of ninth grade I saw this girl and just thought, oh shit.”

“Yeah,” Will said. “Oh shit is right.” He didn’t elaborate, and Robin didn’t want to push him.

“I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with that,” she said. “I know how hard it can be. How lonely.” Her voice broke on the last word, and Will looked up quickly. There was so much concern in his face, so much care, for Robin. He barely knew her and he was looking at her like he’d forget his own problems in a second to focus on hers instead. It broke her heart to think about how people had treated him. How could anyone see this sweet, shy kid and want to hurt him?

Robin cleared her throat. “That’s why I thought maybe we could be friends. We can talk about this stuff. And– and other stuff! It doesn’t have to be just this kind of stuff, it can be anything–movies or games or whatever you’re interested in.” She was starting to lose control of her sentences. She cleared her throat again, looking around the room as she spoke. “But knowing you’re around, it just makes me feel a little less… alone.”

When Robin looked back at Will, he had tears in his eyes.

“Oh no,” she said. “I didn’t mean to– I’m sorry.”

“No,” Will said, wiping at his eyes. “You didn’t– I’m sorry.”

The sight of Will crying opened the floodgates, and Robin wiped the tears off of her cheeks, then pressed her hands against her eyes. After a few seconds she felt a weight next to her on the couch, and Will’s arms wrapped around her.

“Thanks,” she said, turning to hug him back. It was comforting, but somehow that made her more emotional instead of less. She sobbed.

“Sorry,” Robin said again. She squeezed Will tightly and then released him, wiping her eyes again.

“It’s okay,” Will said. “I understand. I didn’t think I’d ever meet someone like me. Like us.”

“You’ll meet more,” she said. “We both will, when we get out of Hawkins. I’m going to college soon. I’m sure I’ll meet a lot of them. Us.” She had thought about it before, somewhat doubtfully, but it was easier to believe with Will sitting her next to her. “And I’ll introduce you to all of them. You can come visit me.”

There were still tears in Will’s eyes, but he smiled. “That sounds good.”

Suddenly, there was a sound from across the room, and Robin looked up to see Steve rushing down the stairs.

“Sorry,” he said as he reached the bottom of the stairs. “I don’t want to bother you, I just need—” He glanced over at them, slowing down as he took in their tear-stained faces. “Are you guys okay?”