Tonight at dinner with the ladies I learned so much. Like we really be living completely different lives. I learned a lot about absolutely nothing:
1. Somebodyās husband is clearly cheating. AGAIN. Heās been cheating since we were in college, and I donāt think itāll ever stop to be honest. At some point coochie is coochie is coochie is coochie, and I think heās DL because the behavior is giving exactly that. She told him her PH was off and he said he didnāt care. She said the room smelt like Red Lobster afterwardsā¦ š¤¢ bitch stop. He does not care about you honey. Divorce immediately. No maāam. Like what do you even do when a womanās coochie stink?? Iād be turned tf off. Personally, Iāve never had a funky coochie in my face š but I wouldnāt want it there after a whiff. And thatās the thingāhe doesnāt even care, not one bit.
2. One of the ladies preps for nasty time with a knee brace. I laughed so hard she got up and went to the bathroom because I just couldnāt stop š¤£. Lingerie and a knee brace is wild. I get it thoughāmission must be accomplished. Stillā¦ once I hit 30, Iām just not doing what I was before at all. Shoulda caught me in my prime, babe, because thereās so many things to do with legs and feet to assist in the work without pulling out orthopedic gear. Her husband is a small man, so heās definitely not tossing her thick ass aroundāsheās probably always in control. Honestly though, imagine pulling that out the bag with the garter belt š. Or telling bae āwait, let me strap inā before you climb on. Nahhh, the comedy writes itself.
3. The thing is, I donāt kink shame. I really donāt. But as a woman why would you ever find yourself going down, propping a manās legs up, putting them over your shoulders, spreading his butt, and then putting your tongue in there? Bitch, you lost me. Bitch. Bitch. Be so fucking for real. Like no no no no no no no no no. Like bitch whatās wrong????!!!!! Whatās going on, whatās the problem? What would even make you do that? It aināt that much self-hate in the world. Idgaf - idgaf donāt ever let a manās ass up in your mouth. Bitch. I canāt even type this without making the stink face š¤®.
4. Women my age are dating 50 and 60-year-olds. Eww. Balls been drooping since we hit 25, so what do they look like at 50+? Gray and sagging? No thanks. I donāt care what life insurance, pension, or benefits he gotāIām not a good liar and Iām not built to be phony. Iāll take a late 20s youngin before that any day. I can acknowledge, sometimes I do be looking like āoh he handsomeā and I know heās in his 50s somewhereā¦ something about it. But I donāt wanna listen to Peabo Bryson and shit, and he donāt wanna hear Key Glock š. The only plus about an older man is he doesnāt want kids. And I think Iām cool tooāIām expensive. Canāt imagine having to buy pampers over the Coach mules I want. Not need. Want. And I want a bag to go with the shoes. The older man could probably make sure everything is taken care of tho. Ugh, so much to think about here. But until then? Iāll take the youngin with stamina every time.
5. Somebody is sad theyāve never had a hoe phase. Personally, I think the time has passed š. At this age, if you try to hoe, youāre just gonna get your feelings hurt. Thereās a reason you never had one. When I was a young hoe, itās because I had it in me at the time. Now Iām older and washed. If youāve made it this far without it, youāre a wife, not a hoe. And truthfully, itās not all itās cracked up to be anyway. Sometimes I look back like, āBrittney tffffffffffff š.ā Like what was the reason?? I was a hoe because I liked to fuck and gained validation in locking eyeballs back. I was young. I could not care less what you think about my pussy now. Head lazyāprobably. Iāve been at work all damn day. Iām thinking about how Iām boutta pay bills and get some money by tomorrow. Therapy taught me that at my core Iām a true lover. I probably should have never been a whore, but it is what it is. Hoe phase expired, lover unlocked.
6. And listenāif he asks if you came? Say no. Say it FIRM. Say it with some bass in your voice and let him sit in that silence. Donāt say āno, butāā just say no. Be commanding. Have some authority when you say it. Let him sit there and think about it, let him marinade in the failure. Stop lying to these men. Just be like no. And first of all, if heās asking? He already knows the answer. Weāre too grown to be poorly managing our bodies like that. Your ego can recover, my orgasm cannot. No. Just no.
7. They all think I already met who Iām looking for. Truth is, I honestly thought I was gonna die early, so for the most part I did whatever the fuck I pleased. I had life to live honey. What a crazy decade š . Been there, done that, did it again and again and again. So no, I donāt think I met him back then. Perhaps in recent yearsā¦ as Iāve started looking through people and not at themā¦ maybe. Dating again while it was hot out was fun and needed in a few different ways. But letās be realāIām not going on any more dates, specifically dinner dates. Flat out. You should earn the privilege of me taking the time to do my makeup and get all dolled up. We go walk into a restaurant, me walking behind him like Iām his bitchāew no. At this point, low key just pay me for my time, because me getting up doing my hair, makeup, putting on a lady-like outfit to leave my home for a $100 dinner just doesnāt seem worth it. Honestly, heās gonna have to find me in my homeāthereās nothing out there for me. If heās mine, heāll find me here.
Such an introspective evening. Learned so much. The knee brace thoughā¦ Iām still weak. I just canāt wrap my mind around that one. š Like how do you even dress that up and make it sexy?
Sitting there tonight, I couldnāt help but thinkāIāve outgrown these women. We all went to college together, but nobody made it out with sense. I canāt be the only one trynna do right.
They think Iām playing about going off to start living my 5th life. Theyāve been laughing at me. But Iām so seriousā thatās one of the true beauties in life, knowing you can start over and build a new one whenever you damn well please.
