#soffa

My 4-year-old wants to use "they/them" pronouns. Is there any harm in honoring that? Do they need to be "sure" before we tell others?              

Need Advice

I have a child who just turned 4 years old. They were assigned female at birth, so everyone in their life refers to them with she/her pronouns. My child and I have talked about gender and pronouns a fair amount. From time to time, I check in with them and ask if they still feel comfortable with their pronouns or ask what gender they're feeling that day. Their answers change a lot - which I totally expect at this age. They frequently respond that they feel like both a girl and a boy, or sometimes neither, but rarely ask to be called by different pronouns, so it didn't affect how I behave.

When I checked in 2 days ago, kiddo told me they "feel like a they." So, I used they pronouns and reminded them that if they want me to ask others to use those pronouns I will do that. The next day, I woke up and reverted to the old pronouns out of habit. They didn't seem to notice, but when I caught myself, I checked in to ask how they were feeling today and they again responded "I feel like a they." Then, they seemed hurt that I had not taken them seriously and asked my partner or their teacher to use those pronouns. When I mentioned it to my partner, he laughed and said he doesn't want our child to be pushed into a non-binary identity. He wants to be certain before we start making changes. Today (day 3), kiddo still feels like a they, and asked what non-binary means, so we talked more about it.

I am happy to use they/them pronouns and will support my kid whether they change their pronouns again later or not. But, I also worry that my lessons of "it's important to always use the words and names people tell you they want to be called" may not have prepared them for reality. We certainly have friends/family members who would not respect they/them pronouns for a 4-year-old. How certain should we be of their identity before we tell my transphobic father-in-law? How do you prepare a tiny kid full of sunshine and optimism for the reality of bigotry?

Från @RobinCalmegard

You’re not being rude at all, no worries. It’s good that you’re trying to be more respectful of other people!

I think the biggest problem with how your friend phrased that is outing their trans sister. It’s often dangerous to be known to be trans and you shouldn’t out someone without their permission. Some people might be fully out at school, but not work, out to friends and their sister but not their dad or their aunts and uncles, so it’s always better to ask rather than assume. “I have three little brothers and one little sister” would be better in most situations. Probably they told you that because you’re a trusted friend, which is great, but just as a general note :)

Slightly less worrisome is the “used to be my little brother” part. It’s maybe how you might explain it to a little kid - “she used to be my brother before she realized she’s a girl” - but sounds awkward to adults. When you talk about trans people, emphasize that they are what they have told you they are: a trans man “realized he’s a man,” not “became a man.” Gender can be somewhat fluid for some people, but he was probably always a guy, he just wasn’t out or hadn’t quite come to terms with it. Instead of “used to be a [gender]” just use “trans woman,” “trans man,” etc.

“Transsexual” is a really old word that used to be used for a trans person who underwent surgery/HRT. Although some people still use it, it’s rare now (and usually rude unless the person it refers to has specifically asked you to use it). Transgender or trans are better. Both adjectives, not nouns, so it’s “a transgender woman” “a trans student” not “a transgender.”

It’s good that you’re trying to become better informed, and this is a good place to do it! Let me know if you have any other questions :)