#sodareview

Melon Farts | Lotte Chilsung Cider 칠성

Disclaimer: the Stocktaking NZ squad has a serious lack of Korean members, so hands up: we are uneducated fuckwits who in no way mean any offense towards the Korean fandom. We only mock the no-fresh-fucks-today-store.

Alcohol, finally shop-of-0-fucks: you are delivering our needs.

And what a magical niche: Auckland office day-turnting Korean cider styles – How cultured.

The store appears to *cough* import it’s Chilsung directly from South Korea as the packaging was seouly in Korean (ba-dum-tsss). However, spotted: 8%! How exciting! 8% - we better go easy on the Chilsung.

Seeing as we’re uncultured-AF…Google revealed the following disappointments (ranked in order of our emotional-devastation):

0% turnt. It’s fucking soda

It’s not even fucking cider-apple flavoured

It’s recipe hasn’t fucking changed since 1951 - fear.

Time to judge.

Personality

Secrets to the brim: no best before, no ingredients, no warnings, no manufacturer info, no sugar grams – just trust. Like blowing a Camel Blue in your gelatine-filled infant’s face in 1951.  

Plonk tease. Identifies with your 15 year old self, claiming that fake ID works despite your -5ft/board-shorts/scrunchie/kangol/centre-part combo.

Most like: Gretchen Wieners

3/5

Look & feel:

Design: on a first glance it’s unoriginal sure, take a second and you’ll sense the heroin chic. The Kate Moss of can: just slightly more hipster and slightly less venereal.  

Feel: room temperature - the store of 0fks smirks with the great irony of lack of chill…sung.

Chilsung (chilseong, 칠성) means the Big Dipper*, ergo the seven star motif. On a limb, we’ll take this nod to astronomy as a respectful nod to HRH J. K. Rowling and her people.

4/5

Taste

Top notes: heavy carbon – like sucking a pencil, the entire contents of the Birkenhead sugar factory & a touch of lemon.

Bottom notes: every Sprite knock-off brand: Lilt, 7-up, Maccers Sprite, 100 plus, Lemon Lite…etc.

Aftertaste: a honeydew melon farted in my mouth.

4/5

Vibe

It’s a truth, universally acknowledged that a group of individuals in possession of a good Chilsung will be reminded that my mother is indeed right: you do not need alcohol to have a good time…at work before midday.

Wisdom is indeed a side-effect of consuming Chilsung.

4.5/5

Overall experience

Chilsung brought a group of people together for an adventure of discovery, debate, cultural-learning and respect. Noble Chilsung.

Never judge a cider by its label that says cider.  

4/5

Final score: 19.5/25

Final thoughts: Chilsung - expectation-setting is crucial.

Leading the nation of New Zealand to believe their getting turnt when they’re in fact, not, will land you on ONE News @ 6 first segment slot headline: KOREAN DECEPTION CRUSHES AOTEROA.

TBF to Chilsung… we don’t think they know their product is being sold here.