#soberwitch

For some people, my decision to stop drinking and using cannabis seemed to come out of nowhere. I’d actually been working on it - mostly without awareness - for decades. Every spiritual thing I’d ever done, every therapy session I attended, every moment of insight, every book about trauma, body love, self-love, growth, every political awakening, every experience, every lifequake, every deep conversation I’d had to that point - these things and more all led me to sobriety. 

In 2021, I woke up on Wednesday, May 18th at 8 AM. After snoozing as much as I could, pushing through feeling like absolute shite (as usual), and winning the debate about whether I felt up to going to work (mostly usual), I followed the rest of my morning routine. That consisted of reviewing how much I’d drank the night before, how terribly I’d slept, and how awful my stomach felt.  I checked my phone and social media to make sure I hadn’t said or posted something I regretted. Somehow, on this particular day, when I swore to stop drinking, it was like an oath to the godds. I knew I was done. I was never going to drink alcohol again. 

Prior Attempts

I was newly 40 when my dad died unexpectedly in 2011. He was only 61, and there is absolutely no doubt that a lifetime of hard drinking, many drugs, and a two-pack-a-day cigarette habit had a lot to do with that. For the first time, I felt my own mortality, the sense that I really don’t have forever to do the things I want to do or to live the life I wanted to live. I entertained the idea that I had a drinking problem, though not for the first time. 

The first time I realized my drinking was not normal happened years earlier, in the wake of losing Jasmine. Jasmine was my 10-year-old daughter, lost to complications from a lung transplant in 2004. By late 2005 I was drinking up to 2 bottles of wine per day, and somehow still managing to hang onto a full-time job - just barely. I had no PTO and my attendance was a regular talking point in reviews. I was not, however, doing a great job of hanging on to my marriage, parenting, being a friend, or much of anything else. My life was an absolute train wreck, the proverbial hot mess. My playlists often included hits such as “Where is My Mind,” and “Something Is Not Right With Me,” and “I Need Some Sleep” and endless replays of the entirety of The Fragile. (Pixies, Cold War Kids, The Eels & Nine Inch Nails, respectively)  When I look back now, I often feel like I need to apologize endlessly to the people who loved me in my 30’s and early 40’s. I was seriously out of my fucking head with grief and figuring out who I was. Thank the godds for you all, you know who you are. From the heart, I wouldn’t be here without you. Especially Jeff.

I did a month without alcohol at the behest of my counselor in 2006 or so. I was successful, but it was challenging when I visited my family and tried to explain why I wasn’t drinking. Generally speaking, it was a dynamic in my family that drinking and smoking weed was a group activity.  To not do so was not only a betrayal of how we interacted but also an indictment of the decision to drink. If I said I wasn’t drinking, that was like saying I didn’t want to be part of the family and that I was judging and insulting their drinking and drug habits. I managed to do the time my therapist and I agreed upon… and not much more than that. Between my mental and emotional health and my social situation, it was too hard not to drink. 

Fast forwarding to my dad’s death in 2011, it became harder to ignore my drinking. I “experimented” with AA in early 2012 - trying it for six months for a class project. I again left myself an “option” of starting to drink again at the end of that time if I “felt like” I could do it without having a problem. Naturally, that means I was drinking again as soon as my class project ended. I totally hung in for that entire six months, didn’t drink, attended 2-3 meetings a week, hated most (all) of the program literature. I learned that AA was (and is) not a good fit for me, but also to be completely honest? I wasn’t ready to quit yet. I especially wasn’t ready to quit if AA was the way I had to do it - all I wanted to do after I left those meetings was have a glass (or let’s be real, a bottle)  of wine.  I looked into SMART Recovery at the same time, but I couldn’t find any meetings that I could attend. Remember this was pre-Zoom era, so in-person was really the only way to go for support meetings. I also really worried about my relationships and what would happen if I dropped out of social drinking. I was afraid no one would really think sober me was much fun and I would end up isolated and alone.

In December 2020 I received some bad health news - I was starting to show signs of liver damage, signs that made it so I could no longer ignore or deny the impact my drinking was having on my health. Not just my physical health, mind you, but emotional, mental, and spiritual health as well. So I tried to stop drinking on my own. 

I tried moderation first, making rules and agreements that didn’t even last a week. I always had a reason why any given day was exceptional and I should “bend” the rule and drink. While I didn’t always get drunk when I was drinking during this time, it had been many, many years since I’d gone more than a few days without a drink. Even when I was really sick, I would rationalize reasons why I should drink anyway. “The alcohol will kill the bad germs in my gut.” “Whiskey toddies are just the thing for a cold!” “I have a sore in my mouth - definitely need to clean it out with some whiskey.” The lies I told myself - that I knew were lies - were ridiculous. When I think about it now, those lies make me cringe, but mostly I recognize them as a symptom of struggling to come to terms with alcohol use disorder.

2021

Back to that particular day in 2021 -  I knew I was done but that I couldn’t deal with it on my own, especially not while working full time and managing a house full of people. I looked for a local treatment center and found Awakenings By the Sea, a women-only in-patient facility that was less than 20 miles from home. I called and spoke to the intake coordinator before I went to work that Wednesday morning. She assured me I could participate without having to use the 12-step model. I got the logistics in order, took some books and other tools to work my own recovery program, and told my family and coworkers that I needed to be gone for a while. My boss moved heaven and earth to make it so I could enter for a 30-day visit within 4 days. I will forever be grateful to him for helping get my Self back. I checked into treatment on Sunday, May 23, 2021. I was terrified. I needed to be there. And I was, in the end, awakened.

Reflections on The Work

I have spent the past 12 months doing so much work - hard work - on myself. Work that honestly? I think anyone could benefit from regardless of their alcohol/substance use status. Plenty of other behaviors arise from the same roots as addiction - workaholism, orthorexia, codependency, etc. They’re called process addictions, and they’re just another way of coping that becomes harmful. I think these are ubiquitous and especially lethal because they are often rewarded. They destroy relationships, lives, health, finances… all the same things that substances destroy.

I stopped using cannabis and psychedelics at about the same time as alcohol - my last day of using was May 20, 2021. I wasn’t sure if I would continue to use cannabis after I stopped drinking. I hadn’t made up my mind completely even when I left treatment. While I had some spiritual experiences with cannabis and some mushroom/LSD microdosing, I realized that mostly, I was using these things to cope (badly) with trauma. I know that for the foreseeable future, I cannot guarantee that I wouldn’t start to use them to do that if I were to try them again. I have not ruled out future use for spiritual journeying, but I have to say I can’t currently see my way to doing so safely.

Between 2021 and 2022 I have surprised myself over and over. I have felt feelings that I’d rather not feel, but NEEDED to feel. I have taken an unflinching look at myself and that shite ain’t easy. I have touched my shadow, shined a light on it, healed what I could, and honored the rest. Getting sober isn’t easy. But I can’t believe how much better my life is for doing it. I would never have believed it before going through this past year myself. I remember scoffing, again and again, at people’s stories of how sobriety changed their lives in miraculous, magickal ways. What I know now is that it’s not a miracle and it’s not magick. It’s not an act of God or godds. It’s me giving a fuck about myself. Loving myself. Working hard. Seeing that I am, in fact, pretty awesome. Healing. Wanting to be clear for myself and only myself. It’s me knowing why I don’t drink and never questioning that decision.

One year later there has been so much change. Even as the external world feels like it’s falling apart (and it is, in many ways) my life has become different in all the RIGHT ways. I learned that being 100% present, living my life the way I always dreamed was actually possible. I learned (and am learning) so many things.

5 Incredible Things About Being Sober

I love and experience wonder about the person I am. In the past 12 months, I have learned more about myself and how to build the life I want to live than I learned in the last 12 years. I built a platform for sobriety and for truly loving myself in my work with Reclaiming Tradition Witchcraft and Diana’s Grove. My sobriety rests solidly on that work, and I continue to experience and learn in that spiral pattern, coming back to old lessons and learning new things over and over. I’m remembering and discovering what brings me joy. I’m figuring out what actually matters instead of what “should.”

I discovered that there are mental health diagnoses that were hiding under alcohol use disorder - things like bipolar II and rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I learned that what has long been a diagnosis of major depressive disorder is actually a component of bipolar II disorder. I’ve been having hypomanic cycles for years, masked by alcohol. My bank account can definitely testify to this, and so can my life partner. Though C-PTSD was diagnosed well before I stopped drinking, I have a fuller sense of how the trauma has impacted and continues to impact me. Learning about trauma, how it lives in the body, and how it was part of my alcohol use disorder helped lay the background for healing my disordered eating and alcohol use. I’m still learning about trauma and will be for the rest of my life. I think being trauma-informed is as necessary as critical thinking in both my personal world and the world at large.

Thanks to DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), I’ve gathered many tools for emotional regulation, mindfulness, and generally processing my emotional reaction to things. I’ve successfully learned new ways (and gotten better at old ways) of feeling my feelings, honoring them, and giving them space before I engage with anyone or anything. I used to believe I was hopeless - never going to be able to be good at dealing with my emotions. I drank to drown them. These are the most important tools I’ve honed (and continue to hone) for sobriety. I’m learning how to advocate for myself, and how to know something is true for me without needing it to be validated by someone else. The concept of standing in my truth used to be nebulous to me, but it’s become more and more clear and defined since I decided to live without alcohol.

I take better care of my body. I take my prescribed medications and supplements on a regular schedule. I practice intuitive eating and enjoy delicious, nourishing food. I move my body more: fitting in little walks, being more physically active at work, taking the long way to get to things. My sleep - which is critical to, like, everything about my health, improved considerably. I’ve known for a long time that alcohol really fucks with your sleep, both from reading about it and experiencing it. Even still, I had no idea how much it would improve over time when I stopped drinking. I have sleep issues related to trauma anyway, but my sleep is 100% better than it was when I was drinking, even if it’s not 100% as good as most people’s.

I still have an aging body with some diagnoses that will likely never go away. Gravity is real, aging is a bitch, things fall apart, you know the drill. That said, all of those diagnoses are much improved. My liver, after sounding the alarm with pain and swelling, is now healed. I have more energy. I don’t forget as many things, and when I do, I know for damned sure it’s not because I was under the influence of alcohol or anything else. My brain healed tremendously after decades of drowning in wine. And it’s still healing, as is the rest of my body. It takes a long time to recover from alcohol use disorder. 

I’m more honest and thoughtful in my relationships and interactions. I have a buffer between my emotions that comes from a deep peace and wisdom I never had. My reaction is more balanced and in alignment with my values - I am more grounded than ever before. While I still have moments of wishing I’d dealt with a situation differently, most of the time I feel good about how I handle the hard conversations. I stand firmly in my truth these days, even as I can be receptive and compassionate to other truths. I take my time before I respond to situations, especially when they’re emotionally charged. I speak now with conviction rather than self-doubt and a lack of clarity. I am more accountable and less flaky. I’m a better friend, a better partner, a better parent, a better aunt - better at all these things because I don’t feel so fucking unhinged and reactive.

My marriage, well. Jeff is either crazy or a saint for sticking with me through this: ::flails wildly at the past three decades:: Maybe both. Aren’t most saints crazy? Anyway, the guy stuck around despite my best attempts to drive him away. I wasn’t coping with trauma well, or at all, actually. I was just trying to drown it. Glad I’ve learned better. I’m hoping to spend the rest of my life showing Jeff it was worth it to stick around. Not drinking has made our relationship better in about a million ways. For me, that means we’re closer and our conversations are more balanced. I have been relinquishing the need for power and control for many years, but when I stopped drinking, I cut the last bits away. Part of this story is Jeff’s, and he can tell it - or not - as he wishes. I love you so much, Jeff. Definitely don’t deserve you, am glad I regained my sanity for the rest of our lives. We both know that a relationship that lasts long is rarely, if ever, easy. They take work. We’re pretty muddy from it, aren’t we? But look what we have created, this kintsugi of a relationship.

I have made new, wonderful friends in my journey and/or have renewed or deepened existing friendships. The power of community always prevails, even for us introverts. As is often the case, a few relationships changed and some kinda fizzled out. Some relationships have been ended because they were toxic. I don’t love that, but also, I am not willing to sacrifice myself to change it. And…this is a tiny number of relationships. Mostly I’ve made some authentic connections with people that I just wouldn’t have been able to make when I was drinking. My life is just so much clearer now. And of course, I had also damaged - sometimes irreparably - many relationships while under the influence. At least now I know if I’m the asshole it ain’t ‘cause I was drinking.

There are SO many more ways to get sober besides the 12-step model. Thank the godds I have always remained an active, avid reader - it was a book that showed me the way to the program that ultimately worked for me. I started with a book/program that was a feminist, empowered modification of the 12-step model (“Many Roads, One Journey'' by Charlotte Kasl). I found something even better while I was in treatment - the Tempest program (it’s online). This program was created by Holly Whitaker, who wrote “Quit Like A Woman,” and it is a very trauma-informed, science/evidence-based and progressive program.** 

There’s never been a time of more choices to reach sobriety than now. It’s pretty fucking fantastic. At one point, I was participating in meetings from The Luckiest Club (based on Laura McKeown’s work), Soberful (based on Veronica Valli’s work), Recovery Dharma and SMART Recovery. All of these have robust online presences - no local group is required to participate and benefit. And there are SO MANY great podcasts out there! If the 12-step model works for you, that’s great! But it is so very important that people know that isn’t the only way, nor should it be the default setting for how to get sober.

I am creating the life I’ve always wanted. Since I quit drinking, I have rediscovered the facts that I live in the place I always wanted to live in (the Pacific Northwest), that my house is the home I always dreamed of (an older two-story with lots of trees and green growing things all around), and that I now am doing the work I always wanted to do! Way back in 1996 I responded to an interview question about where I saw myself in 20 years. I said that I would be finished with my college degree and working in a women’s shelter where I could help women rebuild their lives following violence and substance abuse. And here I am! My 20-year timeline was off - mostly due to my drinking - but I made it. I fucking made it and the naysayers… well they don’t deserve the energy of me calling them out. 

Some details have been modernized - the DV/IPV center where I work helps people of all gender identities and orientations. We are rooted in being anti-oppression and trauma-informed, empowering survivors to find the best solution for themselves. I share deep values with my co-workers. And now with the new position, I live openly as a polytheist, animist Witch. I don’t censor myself or worry about whether it’s safe to talk about what matters most to me. I can claim my sexuality. My work environment is trauma-informed, caring, and incredibly supportive.  I get to do meaningful work every day, work that supports the change I’d like to see in the world. Fuck yes! I did it! Here I am! And most of the time, I have the presence to remember and revel in it.

…

**Right after I wrote this essay, I received an email that Tempest is being acquired by Monument, which feels a lot like it’s going to lose what is really special about it. Monument – well, the name kind of says it. Bigger with more medical services, but less in the way of individual support and less in the way of all the things that made Tempest my lifeline this past year. That makes me sad, but in learning that, I also learned that Holly Whitaker was basically forced out of being part of Tempest last year, and now I’m having all kinds of feels about that too. All of that said, there is a wonderful FB group that revolves around “Quit Like a Woman” - complete with regular meetings and insightful community providing support no matter where you are in the process of quitting. I highly recommend it.

The minotaur was one of the most famous and gruesome monsters in Ancient Greek mythology, usually portrayed with the body of a man and the head of a bull. Born from the unnatural union of Pasiphae and the Cretan Bull, the minotaur resided at the center of the Labyrinth, designed specifically to hide him from view at the request of Pasiphae’s husband, Minos. With the help of their daughter, Ariadne, Theseus, the greatest Athenian hero, eventually managed to kill the minotaur.

If you are unfamiliar with the story of the Minotaur, please click here. 

7 Circuit Cretan Labyrinth

You are one of the fourteen Athenian youths called to face the minotaur. You are Theseus. The labyrinth of sobriety leads you to your true self.

The Call to the Sobriety Labyrinth

You may try to walk alone - don’t do this. Find your fellow Athenians, join them in this arduous journey to the center where you will face the minotaur. Some will already have made this journey once. You will need this fellowship to hold you. Your Call may be from your body, from your life, from your loved ones, from your gods  - any of these. 

Your Call is to you and it is for you. 

Do not answer another person’s Call. Do not attempt this journey for anyone else.You must only undertake this journey only for yourself, otherwise you will lose your way. Your walk through the sobriety labyrinth will change you in ways you cannot even imagine when you are called to it. 

You will rise to the challenge.

Find the Right Thread

Ariadne loves you. She has learned the secret of the labyrinth. She wants you to find your way back out after you have faced the minotaur.. She has spun a thread for you to help you find your way. 

Once upon a time she only made one thread. Many people could not hold that thread - for some it was hard to see, for others it seemed to disappear from their hands, and some were actually harmed by holding the thread. 

But Ariadne is moved to help us through the labyrinth. 

These days she offers book-threads, online-community-threads, mindful-threads, spiritual-threads, empowerment-threads, therapy-threads - so many threads! Find Ariadne. Receive your thread - you may hold more than one. Your thread(s) will help you find your way into the center - and back out again.

Challenges to the Call

After you hear the Call, you will experiment with ways to stop the meandering and endless path of substance use. You may try to make a map: moderation or creating rules. You may “try sobriety out” for a week, a month, feeling sober-curious. You may be given a thread that leads you in the wrong direction. You may try again and again, and think you will never find the right thread. 

You will find the right thread. 

When Ariadne gives you the right thread, you will face challenges from your environment, delivered by trauma, stress and social pressures. Some may plead with you not to go, to stay with them. 

You must go. 

You might think you are not worthy of the thread or the journey into the sobriety labyrinth. You are. You may not understand why you were Called to make this journey. If you are to make it through, you must trust in one thing: you are worthy of a full, sober life. You are strong and clever. Resourceful.  You are Theseus, the underdog, and ultimately, the champion who faces the minotaur and lives to explore other labyrinths.

Step Into the Labyrinth 

Start where you are, move slowly and gather all the tools you already have for this journey. You will wend your way through seven circuits. Just when you think you’re getting close to the center you will be flung back to the outermost ring. This will happen over and over. You will be challenged in each circuit - your job is to learn from those challenges, to gather more tools for your meeting with the minotaur. Your job is to keep moving towards the center.

Go Deep 

While you are in the labyrinth you will think you have lost your way. You will think this more than once. Hold tight to your thread. Remember that it guides you, imbued with Ariade’s love. Remember that you have to keep it in your hand so you don’t get lost. Prepare to bare yourself to the labyrinth of sobriety even as you continue to gather tools and support.

Hear the voices of your community speaking truths to you. Listen to them. On your way to the center, you will pass many old versions of yourself. You will battle guilt and shame constantly, they will dart out like tiny needles at every turn. You will see shades of yourself doing things you wish you could undo. Remember that these are things you did, they are not who you are. 

When you think the way stretches far before you and your bone-weary self has already been walking for so long, you will discover that you are walking right into the center to meet the minotaur, the beast that stands between you and your new sober life. You will not feel ready, but you are. Step into the center and be transformed.

Battling the Minotaur

When you reach the center you will have shed nearly all that remains of who you were when you entered the labyrinth. You are ready to face the minotaur. 

You may fear that you did not gather the right tools along the way. You did. 

You may feel fear because you are naked and vulnerable. You are stronger than you have ever been.

You may feel alone. You are not. 

You have gathered your people and they are there even if you cannot see them. Your sober community, your accountability people, your loved ones, those who have gone before  - their hands lie atop yours lending strength, steadfast, compassionate. 

They whisper that the minotaur is a catalyst, an initiation. The minotaur is everything that stands between you and sobriety. The minotaur must be faced; you cannot leave the labyrinth without this.

When you finally reach the center, you will see a mirror. You will look into it. You will see that the minotaur is you. When you realize this, you may feel fear, rage, despair, discouragement. You may feel joy, recognition, strength. You may feel nothing. However you feel, you now know the secret of the minotaur.

Draw from your deepest well, take all of your tools out of their box. Look close to find the places in that reflection that require your attention. 

Dig deep. 

Excavate.

Heal.

Heal.

Heal.

Transform into your beautiful, resourceful sober self.

Take the Treasure Home

Some Athenians may not recognize you when you return from the sobriety labyrinth. Some may not see you at all. Some may see you but choose to turn away.  Do not concern yourself with this.

You have transformed. You may need to gently remind those around you of the new you. You may need to let some fade from your new life. You may still need to answer for the things you did or said before your transformation. That is just and you are strong.

You may be Called to help others in their journey through the sobriety labyrinth. You will always have that rich fellowship you created. They will continue to hold you.

Know that you may be Called to face the minotaur again and again in the sobriety labyrinth. You may need to explore other labyrinths - perhaps the labyrinth of healthy boundaries or the labyrinth of strong relationships. Each time you will have more tools, more experience, more community to support you. Each time you will integrate the sum total of your knowledge and experience. Each time you will emerge victorious because you know the way and because you know the secret of the minotaur.

There is no “new day one”. You cannot go back to the person you were before, so how could there be? There is only forward, there is only transformation. 

Take it home. 

Create the life you want to live. 

Your deeds will inspire many people, including yourself.

Believe.

My coven works with the Greek and Roman pantheons - they are our hearth culture. In my tradition, it's important to know not just the godds and their stories, but also to know the culture in which those godds were worshipped. We are not reconstructionists, though we are inspired by their scholarship and piety. We value and seek ways to bring the ancient Greco-Roman beliefs and practices into the here and now. We feel strongly that a tradition needs to live in the now to be fully supportive and relevant.

So I've been searching out ways (especially now that I think I have the basics of my physical and emotional sobriety down) to really engage my spiritual path with my sobriety. Months ago, I stumbled upon the Greek concept of sophrosyne while I was looking for connections between Greek godds and sobriety.  As someone with a strong connection to Dionysos, it was (and is) important to me to figure out how to maintain that relationship without drinking. (But I digress, and that's a topic for an essay of its own.)

Sophrosyne isn't exactly a godd - it's a concept. In some ancient Greek tellings of the tale, Sophrosyne was one of the daimona (a lesser deity or guiding spirit) released from Pandora's Box. We'll work more with the concept here as I'm just beginning to explore a relationship with Sophrosyne. I haven't found much about her as a deity beyond her release from Pandora's Box.

According to Wikipedia, the source of all simple places to start, sophrosyne "is an ancient Greek concept of an ideal of excellence of character and soundness of mind, which when combined in one well-balanced individual leads to other qualities, such as temperance, moderation, prudence, purity, decorum, and self-control." These listed qualities, once upon an alcohol-filled time, really felt antithetical to who I was. I still struggle with purity and decorum, primarily because of the modern associations with those terms.

In ancient Greek society, purity was often addressed in another concept - miasma. Miasma is described, in short, as pollution; pollution of the body, the mind, the spirit. Greeks primarily defined the following as causes of miasma: having sex, giving birth, contact with the dead, and murder. I've read that menstruation was also considered a source of miasma. There were ritual practices that one could engage to cleanse miasma, but most sought to avoid it in the first place.

As you might imagine, I don't feel the need to define what causes miasma, and certainly I don't agree with some of the things listed here. That said, the concept of miasma as pollution - as a sullied body, mind, and spirit - well, that sounds a lot like my experience with alcohol use disorder. And it also sounds like a starting point for creating some connections between my spiritual practice and my sobriety journey.

The other aspects of sophrosyne - temperance, moderation, prudence, and self-control- these are part of my healing journey, though I define the terms in a more modern sense.

Temperance is the alchemical process where molten steel is strengthened by immersion in gentle water. Temperance is knowing that I am strengthened and formed by allowing myself to feel and process my feelings in a healthy way.

Moderation is related to temperance, it's about finding ways to dwell in the middle, to not be flung to every far edge of an experience. Moderation is balance.

Prudence - ah, this word has come to have so many negative connotations. The way we use the word "prude" as a pejorative pretty much says it all. There is a suggestion that prudence is about fear and/or wastefulness. I propose that prudence is about discernment, about taking a moment to think before speaking or taking action.

Self-control is not self-denial. Self-control flows from moderation and prudence; it is taking the measure of a thought or an urge and then acting in a way that is in alignment with my values and the life I want to create.

I keep an altar to sophrosyne & sobriety. The altar is decorated with symbols of my sobriety journey, from the struggle itself to healing to supports. I also do my daily sobriety tarot reading there. Recently, I modified a khernips practice that deals specifically with the miasma related to any lingering shame, guilt, and barriers to my healing. This practice is also informed by the Feri tradition practice of kala.

You'll need:

2 small cups (I use Japanese tea cups)

1 bowl

spring water*

sea water**

a sprig of rosemary or a bay leaf (or any other herb that purifies or protects)

a flame source (lighter, candle, etc)

a black cloth

*use fresh water that is locally sourced if possible, but tap water is fine; let it stand for 24 hours prior to using if your water is heavily treated ** if sea water is not available, you can create it by adding sea salt to fresh water

Fill your spring and sea water cups about 1/3 of the way full.

Allow yourself to focus on the cleansing properties of the water, imagining the cups are filled with gently glowing healing light.

Pour the two cups into the bowl, imagining their healing and purifying properties mixing together into one powerful body of water.

Imagine the transformative properties of fire - clearing away that which is no longer serving, igniting your inner self with healing flames - when this is clear in your mind, light your dried herb above the bowl of water, and quench it in the water. As you do this step, you may say "I call forth bright healing" or whatever feels comfortable as you acknowledge the elemental healing in the joining of water, earth, air, and fire.

Now, call up an action or event from your past that fills you with shame, guilt, or any other feeling that is blocking your healing. Read a journal entry if you need, or simply rely on memory. Really focus on it, letting the miasma gather in your body. You may feel flooded with emotions, you may feel physical sensations. Let the miasma run down and gather into your hands. This may take awhile - allow yourself all the time you need.

When you feel you have gathered all you wish to heal today, allow the miasma to flow from your hands into the bowl. Take as long as you need, imagining it perhaps as a black, sticky sludge moving from your body into the water. All the guilt and shame, the things you did that are not who you are, the sacred wounds you may be  carrying, drain the miasma into the glowing, healing water.

When it is gone, ask for purification and cleansing from your godds or whatever universal source you feel connected to. Draw on sophosyne, if you like. Imagine their energy moving down through your crown and into your hands, a glowing divine energy that washes away any remaining miasma in the bowl, transforming it again into pure, healing water with which to clean yourself.

Wash your hands, and then your face, saying: "I release this guilt, this shame, this grief. I cleanse my wounds so that they may heal. I allow this cleansing and healing to guide my next steps in my journey. I am blessed with sophrosyne."

Take some time to truly feel cleansed. Wash as long as you need, until you feel the built up miasma leaving your body, showing you the way to healing.

When you are finished, cover the bowl with the black cloth. Take some time to journal about the experience, noting if there are areas where further work may be needed. Release the remaining water into a body of running water (a sink drain is fine).

To coin a phrase, I was today years old when I learned that this was a thing. I was poleaxed. When I look at the diagnostic criteria for other diagnoses I have been given - C-PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar II - I have met at LEAST the least number of criteria in the DSM. But not all of them. And honestly, none of them answered in any meaningful way this one pattern I have seen over and over and fucking over in my 50+ years.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? I have every. single. one.

Like, this THING, this RSD, it has destroyed relationships and groups. Kept me small. Kept me on the Easy setting. Limited myself to a very small box. This is a big key - more than any other - in terms of understanding and equipping the parts of myself that I most struggle with, feel most crushed by. This along with the joy of C-PTSD and bipolar II, well, let's just say if I had a warning label, those three things should be on it.

No, RSD is not in the DSM. Yet. But apparently it's getting some attention. Here are the criteria:

High sensitivity about the possibility of rejection

Overly high standards for yourself

Feeling easily triggered toward guilt or shame

Isolating yourself in a preemptive strike not to be rejected

Aggressive or rageful behavior toward those who have been perceived to have slighted you

Frequently feeling an uncomfortable physical reaction due to "not fitting in" or being misunderstood

Self-esteem that is entirely dependent on what others think, and rises and falls accordingly

Frequent and intense ruminating after an interaction about how you did or said something wrong

Y'all.

I could give you a chronological account of the MANY ways each one of these criteria has destroyed something I loved, a relationship I cherished, or something that didn't have a chance to grow. ANY person who knows me personally has encountered this in my behavior, whether you knew it or not. And who are we kidding? You probably knew it.

Fuck. I feel so many feels about this - I feel like sobbing, like singing, like raging, like relief, like finally I understand something that I could never quit explain. This is a huge piece of why I drank and used cannabis. This is why I've struggled to stay in a community for very long - or a job or career, for that matter. This is why I'm not a published writer, it's why I'm not a therapist, it's why I never moved much beyond entry level in ANYTHING.

I can remember one of the root rejection traumas from 1st grade and 4th grade, and I suspect there are some from pre-school that I can't remember.

Tools include those of CBT, ACT and DBT. Which is great, because those modalities are primary in everything I'm doing right now, with a bit of depth psychology thrown in because hey, I'm a polytheist writer and everything is story to me.

I wish I had more words or could more strongly convey what I'm sitting with today. I really covered some major shit up with my drinking. I wish it hadn't taken me this long to figure this stuff out, but here I am, and I can only move forward, not back. Sobriety has uncovered so many parts of my Self that I didn't even know were there. They were just buried in fucking wine. I am grateful for the sequence of events that led me to be able to break the bottle and find what was hiding in the bloody depths.