#sobersquad

It’s been so long since I felt this close to the edge. I’m hanging on by a thread. One minor inconvenience away from flushing the last 2 and a half years down the toilet. I feel numb and lost. And in the moment I want nothing more than a bar stool and a bottle until I can forget or find a way to feel something, anything. It was never supposed to be this way.

Maybe when my episode is over, I won't want to destroy myself and I'll want to continue to keep trying to recover. I never know what I'll feel one moment to the next. But still, nobody seems to grasp how terrifying that is for Me. Nobody seems to grasp that I didn’t choose this.

Well y'all, I did it. Yesterday I celebrated one year sober! It was the longest and hardest year of my life. There was so many twists and turns. Many dark days along with so much healing and growth. So much presence. If you'd have told me 13 months ago that in a year I'd be standing here I would have laughed at you. But here we are. It may never be over, I know that I have to wake up and choose my sobriety every day, but I do believe the hardest part is past for now. So for now, in this moment I'm going to celebrate and enjoy this moment!

Time does make sobriety easier, but it doesn’t ever make the urges go away. It doesn’t make it any easier to sit alone with your thoughts. My problem has always been linked to running away. I used my addictions to escape my thoughts, my pain, my reality. Over time I have built a life in sobriety that I don’t need to escape from but now and then those old pieces of me resurface and I’m faced with them once again. That’s when the struggles hit the hardest. That’s what I’m forced to sit and bask in all those things I spent so much time escaping from.