#sobermode

When I started this journey to my sobriety I was always under the belief that after the first year everything would be different, easier. The urges would subside, the thoughts would quiet, I’d be able to focus more on life and less on sobriety. As it turns out, I was so incredibly wrong. In fact, the urges got stronger. I think it’s because all this time leading up somewhere in the back of my mind I kept thinking “if I can make it to year I’ll be okay enough to take a drink, just one” however, I’m familiar with me. I know there is no such thing as “one drink” one turns into two, two turns into ten and before I know it we’re back down the rabbit hole again. I think about it when I’m in a bad place mentally and I’ve always expected that but what I wasn’t prepared for was to think about exactly as much even when I’m happy. Other people start drinking and I feel so fucking angry because they get to do what I can’t. Everybody keeps telling me that I’m so strong for getting sober and that they’re so proud. The truth is I’m weak. I’m to weak to take a drink and not black out. I’m to weak to smell liquor without wanting to consume every single drop of it. I’m to weak to be a normal fucking person and be able to go the bar with my friends have a night out of drinking and fun and then go back to reality tomorrow. I end up on a bender and lose track of myself and forget that I care about literally anybody. I will say and do all the things that come to mind when I’m drinking and frankly drunk me is not a nice person. He’s cruel and violent. I know that I’m better off where I’m at, I know that my kids deserve this. I know that I can’t start over. Knowing has never been the problem, self control has. I’m doing my very best but some days I’m not sure how tight I can hold on. 

So, I saw this meme about PC and I was trying to remember Bill Gates but my dumbass literally had to google 'Bill' in order to remember his name because my brain kept popping up the name Bill WEASLEY instead of Bill GATES!