I don’t know if you’re still talking about SOA but I recently got back into it (first watched it only in 2020) and I just saw one of your posts with a quote from Charlie that said (paraphrasing) ‘aside from his kids Gemma was the person he loved most in this world.’ Referring to the realization of the kind of person Gemma is after Jax realizes she killed Tara.
Do you think Jax loved Gemma more than he loved Tara? Was he manipulated to do so?
(I love your meta analysis’)
Hi there!
I haven't spoken about SOA in a while but I'm always up for discussing it with fellow fans. Thank you for saying you love my meta, it still surprises me that people read my meta, especially since some of them were written so long ago but I love writing them so it's nice to know that people also like reading them 😊
As for your question about whether I think Jax loved Gemma more than Tara, it's a complex one because in general I think the love that a person has for their mother and their partner is fundamentally different and not necessarily comparable. But the simple answer is: no, I don't think Jax loved Gemma more than Tara.
If Jax had ever been in a life or death situation where he was on the spot and had to choose between Gemma or Tara, he would've chosen Tara. In fact, he did see choose Tara over Gemma multiple times or did things that indicated he loved Tara more than Gemma.
In season 5, after Gemma crashed the car with the boys in because she was stoned, Tara hit Gemma and told her she would never see the kids again, and Jax stood by. He didn't attempt to defend Gemma, he supported Tara. The only reason Jax even "forgave" Gemma is because he decided to use her guilt and desperation to see her grandkids to emotionally blackmail her to get information from Clay.
Later in that season, in a conversation with Gemma, Tara explicitly acknowledged that Jax would choose her over Gemma with the whole, "no [I won't kill you], but my husband might", scene.
In season 6 when Tara faked the miscarriage and framed Gemma as having caused it, Jax told Gemma "You're never gonna see my wife, and you will never see those kids again. Grandma is dead." He didn't hesitate to cut Gemma out of his life for Tara and his kids.
When Jax found out about Tara's betrayal at the end of season 6 with the fake miscarriage and plotting to runaway with the boys, he forgave her. That was completely out of character for Jax so much so that even Tara expected that he was going to kill her. Jax's reaction in that scene spoke volumes. You could see the surprise on his face that Tara believed he would hurt her. Jax was more forgiving of Tara than anybody else in his life. If anybody else had done this to him, he would've retaliated with violence. The fact that he didn't kill her demonstrated the depth of his love for her and that he would never hurt her.
Then there's the fact that Jax killed Gemma because she murdered Tara. If the situation had been reversed and Tara had killed Gemma, would Jax have reacted in the same way? Would he have killed Tara in retaliation? I don't think so. And perhaps that would be because of the different context i.e. if Tara had killed Gemma it would've been in self defence but I have no doubts in my mind that if Tara had killed Gemma, Jax would've at the very least let Tara live even if he couldn't have forgiven her.
Gemma's jealousy of Tara also indicated that Jax loved Tara more. The tension and animosity between Tara and Gemma was always about Jax. Gemma wanted to be the number one woman in Jax's life and she couldn't stand Tara holding that place. They were in competition with each other for Jax's love and attention but most of the time when it came down to it, Jax did prioritise Tara.
Then there's the fact that Jax loved his kids more than anyone else and as the mother of his children, that deepened his love for Tara. It also meant he was more protective of her and more likely to prioritise her because whatever happened to her directly impacted the kids.
Finally, I think Jax's love for Tara was very rooted in the fact that she was the best of him. Tara was the only one that really saw Jax the person and encouraged him to be good, or at least better. At his core Jax was a sensitive, compassionate and contemplative soul. The corruption of the club and the traumas he endured throughout the series turned him into a monster but that wasn't who he fundamentally was and Tara was the only one that connected him to that part of himself. That's why he was able to forgive her betrayal in season 6, because she represented a life and a person that he yearned for and believed in but that could never could be due to circumstances.
In contrast, Jax knew who Gemma was even before he found out that she'd killed Tara. He knew she was capable of something like that and was aware of a lot of her misdeeds. Jax repeatedly called Gemma out for her shit and saw the worst parts of her. He knew she was toxic, controlling and manipulative. At points in the later seasons he was outwardly bitter and hateful towards her because of that.
So I think that Jax loved Gemma in spite of who she was because she was his mom, but he loved Tara for everything that she was by choice. That difference in how he loves them is why I think that he loved Tara more.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on whether you think Jax loved Gemma more than Tara. It's definitely a complex one to analyse for so many reasons!
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I can't understand Alex in chapter 16! Why did he push John away, when John was finally ready to take the relationship to the next level. Why did he shove John after he kissed him in the forest?
Hell'a great work!
I kinda hate explaining scenes because I really want them to speak for themselves, but I get it. there's a lot going on there and it's mostly in body language which makes it a little harder to read.
so since it's been awhile, a quick romance arc rewind:
chapter 3: Alex makes a sexual advance towards John which John feels too guilty and ashamed to accept. John offers friendship instead which Alex rejects outright.
chapters 4-8: they have tension over the fact that John holds himself back from his own obvious sexual desires towards Alex, and Alex holds himself back from his emotional desires towards John.
chapter 8-9: Alex admits he wants to be friends and be more vulnerable with John, but John is grieving and doubting his own emotional capacity to be the kind of friend Alex needs.
chapters 10-11: Alex leaves camp and falls ill. news comes to camp that he's dying, and John is so affected he realizes- yes, he cares deeply about Alex- too much not to try and be what he needs.
chapter 12-14: John takes care of Alex while he's recovering. doing so lets John be physically-affectionate in a way that's chaste enough that he's unashamed about it, but it's often so sensual and romantic, it confuses and frustrates Alex who can't help but read it as more- as a desire that matches his own.
chapter 15: John insists that he wants to be partners (not lovers), but he continues flirting despite Alex's request that he stop. when the Baron von Steuben comes to camp and behaves openly-gay in a way that obviously frightens John, Alex struggles (and fails) to be patient with him and give him the benefit of the doubt. when Alex seems to be trying to move on from their back-and-forth, John realizes he doesn't want to let him.
So, in chapter 16, we have Alex subtly trying to wreck their friendship because John keeps breaking his heart and he doesn't know how to deal with it in any way other than a scorched-earth policy. John knows he's doing it, but that doesn't stop it from hurting, and when it hurts, he retaliates in kind. John also knows he kind of deserves it because Alex was never wrong about his desires, but Alex is being petty and vindictive about it.
so you get these two men who know each other way too well trying to hurt each other in their effort to express that the other is hurting them. it's a game of homophobic chicken.
the scene in the woods is them bringing the issue to a direct confrontation to end the passive-aggression, and I need you to understand that John's being downright cruel in this interaction:
Alex tries to directly address the Steuben issue (John's internalized homophobia), but the attack misses its mark because John's been hiding the full picture of his physical relationship with Francis and then John pulls out that detail as a 'gotcha'. he proceeds to mischaracterize the reasons that Alex has been pulling away and avoiding him (as if he hadn't been leading him on and ignoring his repeated requests not to flirt and tease him), then he accuses him of trying to guilt him into sex, rubs it in his face that he was wrong about why he's been hesitating to get with him- (when Alex didn't know the details about Francis because he was keeping it secret!), then- when he digs into Alex's issues with vulnerability- Alex tries to fight back by pointing out that John's been anything but clear about what he wants and he's been keeping secrets and that's what causing these issues. to that, John finally starts getting at what's actually been hurting him: Alex's lust feels like a way to avoid true vulnerability with him.
when John puts it that way, Alex is a little offended that John hasn't noticed that he's genuinely trying to be more open. so, John challenges him to prove it by kissing him.
and that's where the conversation shifts entirely to their body language.
since John's just impressed the issue that his lust feels fake, Alex kisses him chastely and tries to keep it chaste. but, everything John's doing communicates 'this is what desire feels like from someone that loves you'. to which Alex's body language communicates holy shit, holy shit!! I'm so overwhelmed!
so yeah. when John pulls away from that laughing at him he's kinda being a huge dick...
They always say she left Jax when he was 19, but that doesn’t mean she was. I’m trying to calculate the years and high school graduation situation. I have that Jax would’ve graduated in ‘96 and my personal canon he drops out in ‘95 end of his junior year.
So for me Tara was at least a year younger than Jax and left Charming in ‘97.
Just curious if this has ever been discussed before...
I doubt anyone will ever ask about this, but I think it’s important to break down John’s conversation with Steuben at the end of 18 because it’s so important to the plot and I left things happening off-screen that I wanted to put in a couple ficlets, but at this rate probably never will, so-
“When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?
Perhaps to be too practical is madness.
To surrender dreams — this may be madness.
Too much sanity may be madness —
And maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!”
Meta under the cut
Over the course of SOA, the label ‘Madness’ will get transposed over three concepts: love, war, and politics. Those concepts will be necessarily blended and layered over each other, and it’ll get more and more murky which concept the characters are referring to.
It first came up in regards to love circa chapter 12-
“In war we fear what will happen when we meet the enemy- what he will do to us. In love, we fear ourselves and when we will part- what we will do to ourselves.”
“You make it sound like madness...” There’s a taunting lilt in Hamilton’s voice that tells me he’s smiling while he says this, laughing, but I think if I looked, I’d see the veneer, how much truth he tries to tuck away in his tone.
Lafayette laughs anyway, “Only if you try to avoid it.”
I bolded Lafayette’s dialogue because ‘we fear ourselves’ is what Madness has meant to John and Alex in regards to Love for the first 15 chapters of the story. They were full of their own inhibitions around the concept- around the moral connotation of physical intimacy or the personal commitment to vulnerability.
Here’s a romance arc summary post for reference.
After John recognizes that he can’t choose to not pursue his feelings- that resisting is more destructive to him than any consequences that could come of them (including death), he starts referring to this view of Love as Madness in the past tense, and usually to accuse Alex of being fearful towards the concept.
So, Lafayette’s correction to Alex in chapter 12 defines what Madness in Love comes to mean in the story.
Now- John made that development in himself by himself, but Steuben played a major role in giving him the space to do so. Throughout their interactions, John’s been focused on ensuring that the Army can use Steuben’s military expertise to its greatest potential. He’s duty-driven towards that goal, and Steuben respects it and has accepted the help in every way he could.
But, at the same time- while John’s there advising and helping him, Steuben’s office has a very-specific environment that’s very different from working in Washington’s office. They spend just as much time talking about philosophy and poetry and gossip as they do on work. Caty comes over and distracts them whenever she can and Steuben encourages it. Their interests as people are valuable and aren’t immediately assessed as possible weapons for the cause. The underlying message is that their humanity is more important than their utility.
And, while a major feature of John’s humanity is out on display during the Enslin trial, it’s not just a matter of the camp condemning sodomy, but it’s an indictment of the concept of men being physically-intimate with each other. To John- it’s an indictment of his heart- of who he’s capable of loving, and he’s angry and frustrated and ashamed- and ashamed of that shame. But, Steuben is there again and again to encourage him in the other direction. John doesn’t deserve the ways he condemns himself. This isn’t about him. How he feels isn’t this.
John’s grown so much during this arc and through this exposure to community that; when he approaches Alex at the end of 16 to properly confess that he doesn’t just want to be partners, he wants to be lovers, and Alex replies by confessing that he’s been manipulating his career throughout their relationship; John has the confidence in himself to recognize that Alex is using that fact to dodge vulnerability and basically come back and say “so what- you fell for me anyway.”
So what does this have to do with Madness?
The conversation between Steuben and John at the end of 18 defines Steuben’s philosophy of Madness and Sanity and recognizes the shift that’s taken place. Predictably- it’s a direct reference to the Don Quixote quote that kicked off the chapter and which Steuben’s referencing during their conversation.
“Perhaps to be too practical is madness.
To surrender dreams — this may be madness.
Too much sanity may be madness —
And maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!”
Steuben is familiar with both John and Alex’s backstories. It’s a fact that’s been an endless source of discomfort for John, recognizing that Steuben seems to know things about Alex’s thoughts and beliefs that he doesn’t, and unsure how much he knows about him at any given moment. This vibe comes from two off-screen conversations-
A conversation with Henry Laurens ~early February timeframe~ while staying with him in York on his way to meet Congress in which Henry expressed his concern for John after getting his response back, “You asked me, my Dear Father what bounds I have set to my desire of serving my Country in the Military Line. I answer glorious Death, or the Triumph of the Cause in which I am engaged.”
A conversation about personal ambition with Alex in which Steuben recognizes that he doesn’t seem happy with the way that Washington employs him- that he’s right to want to be recognized and properly-employed, not sent on impossible errands anytime Washington is afraid his reputation might suffer from failure.
From those conversations, Steuben knows them on a pretty deep level already. Alex wants power over his own life, and John wants to be the perfect citizen. Alex is motivated by a desire for self-sufficiency, and that’s filtered through his investment in the war and his keen awareness of the social structure of the society he lives in. John is motivated by his intrinsic need to be Good filtered through his investment in the war and his lifelong embroilment in public duties as colonial aristocracy.
So, breaking down the conversation, it plays out like this:
Steuben posits that, despite the fact that we all play parts in our day to day lives, we should be genuine to ourselves because we can’t keep up an act all the time, and sometimes we promise more than we can give.
Then, he recognizes John’s role as the bayard as an act. He admits that it’s an important role for the times they’re in and he says that John is the ideal person to fill that role. He steps closer to him and starts undoing his cravat where John has hidden hickeys from his night with Alex, revealing the truth of John’s sexuality in this safe place, while recognizing him as the ideal role model for American valor.
And then he drops this whopper that has John understandably confused and in tears:
“I believe you are lucky. Your vision of the world as it should be is as close to madness as any man should ever come, and you have found a friend who is so wretchedly sane he might save you. I believe, if your vision can be saved, you boys might just make that beautiful madness a reality. And that thought is exciting.”
And he’s saying a lot here.
Remember his definition of Madness:
“Perhaps to be too practical is madness.
To surrender dreams — this may be madness.
Too much sanity may be madness —
And maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!”
So, It’s really counterintuitive, but what Steuben’s calling ‘close to madness’, is John’s extreme sense of public duty. His sense of his place in the world and how he can serve it best.
In love- that’s being a faithful husband.
In war- that’s being an obedient and useful aide to Washington
In politics- that’s supporting his father and keeping him informed about the military’s needs.
He’s saying that John is too good at being dutiful- he’s nearly giving up on his own dreams and desires for himself.
But! He’s been lucky- he has a friend who’s secretly very selfish in that respect.
On the subject of Love, Steuben knows that John is the more-repressed of the two, and he knows that Alex has encouraged him to pursue intimacy. Which John needs to reach self-actualization.
On the subject of War, Steuben doesn’t know about it yet, but he’s right on this too- John’s plan for arming slaves and adding them to their numbers would be an effective tool in furthering the ideal of Liberty they’re rallying people around, but he’s held back by his duty as a son not to mangle his father’s standing. Meanwhile, Alex sees the idealistic vision that John has, he sees the reservations that John has, and he suggested bolder methods that wouldn’t require John’s father’s support.
On the subject of Politics, Steuben knows that Alex hides his ambitions because they’d be hindrances to his autonomy on Washington’s staff, but now- with John’s social standing and support, and Alex’s ambition and John’s idealism make a heady mix.
And then, Steuben asserts that- if John can manage to serve his public duties like he’s aiming for now without destroying himself or deadening himself, he’ll be the perfect citizen he’s hoping to be.
I'm rereading SOA 'cause why the hell not, and I really don't understand did Laurens and Kinloch have sex or not?
In chapter 3 there's a pair of conflicting passages:
"... I feel precarious- like Geneva, like wide shoulders and firm lips, like a strong hand gripping my eager length along another’s, like harsh, bruising thrusts and a deep grunt."
This passage very clearly indicates that he had a sexual relationship with a man (or even a threesome! Wild!) in Geneva, and Hamilton was not his first, but then a few lines down there's this passage:
"... My hands raise, but hold the air unsteadily I don’t know where to touch him- how I possibly could....."
In this quote it seems to me that Hamilton is his first guy, and Laurens is timid and doesn't know what to do, cause well... It's his first time.
Then in chapter 16 when they finally have the talk Laurens throws this bomb at Hamilton:
' What makes you think I haven’t?” I say. “That I’ve never...acted as I wanted to...with a man"
Here, again he's probably referencing Geneva and clearly states that he had had at least one previous relationship with a man.
So I'm super confused, did he or did he not have a sexual relationship with Kinloch (or someone else) in Geneva. If yes, why was he so confused and frightened when Hammy made the first move?
The ask is much longer than I anticipated, but I really love your work! Xoxo
There’s no conflict between John thinking about his previous experience and thinking that he can’t do that again. The point of that scene is to show that he has deep-seated regrets about that experience with Kinloch- he just doesn’t know why yet.
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I saw the season 6 finale tonight and in the scene between Unser and Wendy in Gemma’s house, Unser asks if Wendy still loves Jax and she says no... But I always got the feeling that Wendy still did love Jax and that she never really stopped doing so, despite it all and I think she even says something like that later on in s7... but what do you think? (Also I think we’ve talked about Jax/Wendy before. If I remember correctly, we agreed on liking them more than Jax/Tara).
Oh, for sure. Wendy never stopped loving Jax. It’s always frustrated the hell out of me that we didn’t learn more about Jax and Wendy’s relationship pre-season 1, because it means that we have to infer and guess from the tidbits we’re given.
However, in the first scene we see of Wendy she still has her wedding ring on. That in itself says something about Wendy’s feelings for Jax. It doesn’t sound like she ever chose to leave Jax. In fact, what we learn about their break-up from Jax makes it sound like he was the one that left her because of her drug addiction and pregnancy. So, that means that Wendy never stopped wanting to be with Jax.
After she went to rehab and was in recovery, she actively wanted to get back together with Jax. She told him that she wanted her, him and Abel to be a family, and she even briefly worked with Gemma to make that happen. The only reason Wendy left Charming was because she could clearly see that she was fighting a losing battle because Jax was in love with Tara.
When she came back the second time she seemed to have moved on from Jax and her priority was Abel. But the fact that Wendy openly admits to Bobby that she still loves Jax in season 7 just proves that she never stopped loving him. If she’d truly moved on, it seems unlikely that she’d fall for him again. That love was always there, she just pushed it away because she knew it was necessary at that time. In the end, whenever Jax needed her, she was there and it was clear that as much as she’d tried to move on, she felt a pull towards him.
So yeah, I think that Wendy always loved Jax, but she was smart enough to walk away and put herself and Abel first. She knew how much Jax loved Tara and that it was better to lose him than to manipulate him into being with her only to feel like she was living in Tara’s shadow. Wendy accepted that no matter how she felt about Jax, the feeling wasn’t mutual and never would be. He loved her but he was never in love with her, and she couldn’t force him to feel that way about her. It’s part of the deal with nonreciprocal love. (Also the only thing that’s entering into my mind right now is Bonnie Raitt’s ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me haha).
I know we didn’t get to see much of them together, but what do you think of Nero and Wendy’s relationship? I’ve found myself really liking their few and far between scenes together this time around and I feel like they’d a nice connection that’s just different from what they’ve with other the other characters.
I like Wendy and Nero’s dynamic. As individual characters, I always considered them to be two of the most decent on the show. They’re flawed, but they have good souls and they strive to do their best. So because of that, they have a nice dynamic that’s very friendly and endearing. Because of their battles with addiction, they’re able to relate to each other on a level that they can’t with anyone else. Wendy is ridiculed and belitted throughout the series by those around her - Gemma, Jax and Tara, in particular - for her addiction. Nero is probably the first and only person that treats her like a human being and shows her compassion and understanding. Not only can they relate in terms of their addiction and ongoing recovery, but also their sons. Both Wendy and Nero have children that have long-term health conditions or disabilities as a result of substance abuse by their mothers before they were born. They both carry guilt and shame for this fact, and their recovery is intertwined with their desire to be better parents and to make amends for letting their children down at the start of their lives.
I don’t ship them romantically, because I see their relationship as being similiar to a father-daughter relationship, but their relationship is understated and refreshing to watch. It’s built on mutual respect, understanding and empathy, and compliments both characters.
All the times jax chested. Some sort of meta please?
To my recollection Jax cheated on Tara twice with Colette. The first time was when Tara was in prison and the second time was in 6x10 when Tara caught them in the act (x). Although there are other occasions where Jax slept with other women, it was when he wasn’t officially involved with Tara. In season 1, he slept with Wendy after Donna’s death, but at that point Jax and Tara’s relationship was still confused and up in the air; in season 3 he slept with Ima after he’d broken up with Tara to deliberately push her away and later in the season he kissed Trinity and almost slept with her (before finding out she was his half sister - yikes!) whilst he was still broken up with Tara. If there are other instances where he cheated on Tara, forgive me, they must have slipped my mind.
The thing is with Jax is that as a character sex means something very different to him than it does to Tara. Sex isn’t a big deal to Jax, it’s just something he does. It’s an act that doesn’t necessarily equate to love or anything beyond the act itself. Jax’s view on sex mostly stems from the misogynistic culture of the club that he’s been around since he was a kid which views sex in a very casual manner and deems that it’s morally okay to have sex with other women regardless of relationship status. Even Clay was ‘allowed’ to cheat on Gemma, despite how much respect and love Clay and the entire club had for Gemma. Even Jax himself had no problem in standing by and allowing Clay to have his end away with some random woman knowing his mother - Clay’s wife - was at home none the wiser. I love SOA but their attitudes to women were disgusting and everything I despise. They all have a cave man mentality that women are theirs to own and protect, and that as men they still have free reign to do whatever they want and sleep with whomever they want. Jax’s attitude to sex was no different from Clay’s or Tig’s or Bobby’s. It didn’t matter how much he loved Tara, it was inevitable he would always cheat because it didn’t mean the same to him as it did to her. Jax could’ve slept with a thousand women and more and it still wouldn’t have changed how much he loved Tara (in fact, he pretty much said exactly that to her in season 1). Tara was the only woman he was capable of loving. In his twisted mind I think the fact that he knew that meant that he somehow justified it to himself. It didn’t matter if he slept with other women because it didn’t change anything for him - Tara was still the woman he loved, the mother of his sons, the woman that knew him better than anyone and the only one he had the capacity to truly let in. It’s as though that made it okay, but of course, it didn’t make it okay.
It’s strange because with any other ship I would be mortified if one or both parties cheated, but with Jax it’s so much more complex because of the way he viewed sex. It still doesn’t condone it and it will always anger me that he betrayed Tara in that way, but context is important and in this scenario, understanding Jax’s character is context. Not only was Jax’s attitude to sex very casual, but he was also a very sexual person. Jax was incredibly sensitive and felt things deeply and he expressed those emotions in two ways - violence and sex. A lot of the instances where Jax had sex, particularly with other women besides Tara, was an emotional release for him. In season 1 he slept with Wendy because Donna had just died and sex was the easiest way for him to blot out his grief and feel comforted. In season 3 when he slept with Ima it served two purposes - alienating Tara so she would turn against him and helping him to run away from his love for Tara and the pain of having to push her away. In season 6 when he slept with Colette it was because he knew his marriage was on the rocks and Tara was emotionally unavailable. In every instance of Jax cheating and/or sleeping with other women it served some purpose for him whether it was for comfort, to deal with or express his emotions or to push Tara away. Even in season 7 after Tara’s death, he used sex as a way to deal with his grief and there was even an instance where we saw him crying after sex.
Again, I’m not justifying cheating or condoning Jax’s actions, but with Jax, his cheating reflects a very fundamental part of his character. Even though I mentioned that he viewed sex as an act, most of the sexual encounters he had were actually quite emotional in some way and you could feel that sex was his way of trying to express some deep emotion he didn’t know how to handle. It’s hard for me to explain in words, but although love was never involved, there was still a level of intimacy (and Jax was always very good at sexual intimacy, even with women he barely knew) and connection that Jax had with the women he slept with which meant that it almost acted as a therapy session for him. You can particularly see that in his relationships with Colette in season 6 and Winsome in season 7.
