#so... this

ten minutes later, bertholdt shuffles in. something soothes in reiner the moment he sees him, and for the first time for as long as he can remember, he thinks that he feels alright. everything will be alright. until bertholdt sits down across from him, and he does not meet reiner's eyes. and reiner remembers— it's only been a month or two since they returned from the island, from hell, and he's already let it all fade away for his own peace of mind as he stares at these white walls with nothing but his own turmoiling thoughts. all the stupid decisions he made, all the ways he nearly got them killed, all the reasons bertholdt has to hate him. it all comes crashing down in that second, and reiner has to swallow the lump in his throat to keep himself from crying. to stop himself from sinking to the floor and kissing bertholdt's boots and begging for his forgiveness. no— retaliation. 

he opens his mouth.

"they, uh," bertholdt starts, then stops. 

he is still staring at his hands, laced loosely together on his lap. a gap lies between him and the edge of reiner's bed, and he keeps his legs tucked close to his chair. he's not wearing his uniform, reiner notices in the frail silence that follows. hot guilt flashes through him. he thinks, he has gotten them both killed, and they'll have to stand side by side in that dark glass chamber and wait for their names to be called. he hopes he'll go first so bertholdt won't have to look at him any longer. clearly bertholdt can't stand the sight of him. no— maybe bertholdt would rather go first, so he can leave reiner behind in this wretched life and start anew in whatever comes next. whatever bertholdt wants. 

when bertholdt clears his throat and starts again, reiner is still fixated on his clothes.

"they have a proposition for us," reiner hears him say, but he is not listening to the words. all he hears is bertholdt's voice, for the first time in what feels like forever, and he blinks up with tears in his eyes, because no matter how flat and sullen he sounds, no matter how much he knows bertholdt must hate him right now, it's him, really him, sitting here in front of reiner and breathing. he's just inches away. just an arm's length.

"reiner," he hears, and his gaze snaps up.

bertholdt is looking at him. those dark eyes, that serious gaze. reiner tries to blink back his tears, but they roll freely down his face and he has to hold his breath to steady himself.

"bert," he whispers, chokes.

the graveness on bertholdt's face intensifies as he furrows his brow, before quickly glancing away again, his gaze flicking to the side, then dropping back down to his hands. 

"they've made us a proposition," he continues, softly. "it's a way for both of us to live. because after what happened—"

"i'll go," reiner syas.

bertholdt's eyes are wide when his dark gaze flicks up again. "reiner. no, that's not what i—"

"it was my fault. they can take me, but you didn't do anything wrong."

"reiner, please," bertholdt says, his voice low like a whisper as he sits still in his chair. something in his eyes softens. "please, listen to me. try to pay attention. they're not going to get rid of either of us. not even— they're going to let us live, okay? as long as we do something for them. we have to help each other through this."

reiner stares. "but you... you don't—"

"reiner, please—"

"i ruined everything," he exclaims, and he can't help it when his voice breaks, from the guilt that's flooding through him or the fact that he hasn't spoken out loud in two months. he can't help it when the tears keep coming, not when he's seeing that sad face in front of him, not when bertholdt is looking at him like that, so desperate and tired, but still so soft with reiner, always, even when reiner wishes he would just hate him. 

"everything that happened was my fault," reiner exclaims. "if they're going to save anyone, it should be you, bert. and after all i did to you, you shouldn't— you shouldn't be helping me." 

no matter how loud he shouts, his words fall flat in the small, white room. and bertholdt's face stares back at him, similarly blank, unmoving, at least for a moment, at least for as long as it takes for reiner to catch his breath, blinking at bertholdt through his tears. then something changes in bertholdt's eyes, or at least, reiner thinks he sees something. but something changes, the softest little ease of the tired lines on his face, and he leans so slightly forward in his chair to extend on arm and take reiner's hand in his. reiner's cold, trembling, untouched hand.

"that's not true," is all bertholdt says a moment later, his voice so soft reiner wonders if he's imagining his words. it wouldn't be unlike him to fantasize, and this is the dream he has many nights over— that bertholdt still loves him, after all. 

another moment, and then bertholdt continues. 

"none of us are free from blame," he says, his gaze fixed on their hands as he holds reiner together. "we all made mistakes over there."

"but i made you do it," reiner says, suddenly numb again, suddenly feeling nothing but the cold shivering in his fingers as his skin melts beneath bertholdt's warm touch. "whatever you did, i was the one who made you do it."

bertholdt only shakes his head, the lines of his forehead tensing again. "reiner, all of that, everything that happened— we can talk about it later. right now, i need you to understand— i need to tell you— they've offered a way for both of us to live, to keep our titans— if we agree, then—"

he stops, measuring his breaths, one in, one out, before he speaks again.

"it's for the good of the empire," he says. his voice is flatlining again, but his hands are warm as he squeezes reiner's fingers. "the warriors will be stronger than ever when we present as a united front. there is strength in numbers, and power in solidarity. love, in adversity."

reiner blinks at him. "w-what is... what does that mean?"