#smtsecretsanta2018

It’s not often, at least she doesn’t think so, only once or twice a month. She knows that they won’t ever come back to her, they’re playing a part for humanity, a part much larger than her own… But seeing them always made her feelings of loneliness and regret wash over her, as if they had just taken their last breath while laying in her arms.

That wasn’t to say she hadn’t moved on, though. She was able to live life normally, even happily among her other friends. After learning just what they had sacrificed for humanity, that was the least she owed them. To move on, live her best life, try and make a change how she could.

A change so that, maybe one day, their soul could rest in peace.

That didn’t mean she could stop herself from dreaming of them, though. They would still appear, as they had in nightmares before she had learned the truth of their passing… But these dreams, despite the feelings they brought her, couldn’t be considered nightmares.

Sometimes their hair was blue, covering one of their eyes. They wore the boy’s uniform of Gekkoukan High School and they slouched, giving her a soft smile. Other times, their hair was longer and brown, up in a high ponytail. They wore the girl’s uniform and beamed at her with the power of the sun.

They were always on the roof of the school, but it wasn’t Aigis waiting for them this time. It was always them, waiting for her with open arms. Never could she resist the urge to run towards them, towards their comfort…

But then she would remember it was just a dream, and it would all fall apart around her. The roof would become the area she and her comrades had faced Erebus at, the birds chirping silenced and the blue sky gone.

Yet they would still be there, arms outstretched and offering her a hug. Within her reach. She would slow herself, but they would get closer as long as she moved forward. They didn’t move away from her, always willing and able to share their warmth with her.

Only they were cold when she hugged them, as cold as a corpse. She supposed that would happen when the last time she touched them they had ceased breathing… The last memory of them, so cold and so pale, would stick deep into her mind.

But the dreams, the dreams were making the final words they spoke to her fuzzy. They would speak to her every time they were in this dreamy mindscape, making the last words they spoke change and mix in her head, made her unable to decipher dream from reality. The only thing she could separate? The kind of words spoken, depending on how they looked when she saw them.

When they wore the boy’s uniform, their words were always soft. Comments about how much she and the others had grown, how they were so proud of all of them for what they did. Apologies for not being able to be there with them, to not be able to grow alongside them. Promises that they would always watch over them, no matter where their lives took them.

When they wore the girl’s, the words were always more energetic. Exclamations of how much they missed her and their other friends. Reminiscing on things that had happened to them all that faithful year, telling Aigis stories of what happened before she even joined SEES. And pleas to never forget them, no matter how far she went.

No matter what they said, she would promise them to keep moving forward, with them in her heart. Without them, she wouldn’t be who she was. She wouldn’t be so human, wouldn’t have the power of the Wild Card to help her push and strive for the best… They were still her most important person, even if they were only there in spirit.

The dreams always hurt, especially after she woke up. Knowing she would never hold their hand, never see their sleeping face, never speak to them again… It sent a pang through her papillion heart. Made her want to lay in bed all day and dream of them once again.

But she knew she couldn’t. If she did that and did indeed dream of them, she was sure they would be disappointed in her. If there was one thing she wanted less than to never see them again, it was to disappoint them, after all they had done for her and others.

So she moved on, pulled herself up and got ready for her day. And soon enough, while there was a dull ache, she would be able to smile naturally. Sometimes it almost felt like they were there, smiling with her.

And every time, it led her to their grave, hands clasping together as she kneeled next to it and told them everything that had happened, recently. Made her tell them they should try to keep it more clean as she made sure it was in its best shape (as if they could clean their own grave).

She would smile at it before she left, the loneliness just a bit less harsh.