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Awsten Knight of Waterparks is invited as a guest on Smosh's hit food crime drama: Culinary Crimes!
content warning: force-feeding, implied dismemberment, cannibalism, body horror (but like, we don't go into detail)
“In a world where everyone thinks they’re a five star chef, I’m here to sort out the frauds!” A confident voice from the dark announced. “You think you can just change a recipe all willy nilly and not expect consequences?” Courtney spun dramatically to face the camera.
“Well think again! Today, with the help of my two guests, we will bring justice to the culinary world by evaluating unasked for changes made to your favorite online recipes. This, is Culinary Crimes.”
“Yeah!” A voice out of frame squeaked, a cheerful fist just barely popping into view.
The camera pans out to reveal Courtney’s guests. To her right, sat Arasha, her hands folded as she held a stony no-nonsense composure. To her left, sat Awsten, both arms raised, a confident grin on his face.
“I appreciate your enthusiasm, rookie,” Courtney nodded her head supportively, trying not to break character. “Would you like to introduce yourself?”
Awsten noticed the serious demeanor of the other two and quickly dropped his hands. “Oh, uh, yeah…”
“You’ve got an ID badge in front of you,” Arasha reminds him, pointing to the fake detective badge on the table.
“Oh yeah! My bad,” Awsten quickly picked it up, showing his ID to the camera. He cleared his throat, throwing a punk gesture with his opposite hand and putting on a fake surfer dude voice. “I’m Detective Fletchers, Department of Sick Chunes.”
Courtney nodded approvingly as the camera panned to Arasha.
“And I’m Agent Arasha, Agency of Alliteration,” she flashed her badge confidently, holding it between her index and middle finger.
“Ooo nice, very clever,” Courtney approved.
“Thank you, thank you,” Arasha bowed her head.
“We are going to be investigating three cases today,” Courtney continued, folding her hands and pressing them against the table to match Arasha. “We’re going to review the evidence, taste the dishes to see and theorize what has been changed, try the original dish, and determine whether or not the changed dish is a CRIME.”
“That... sounds like a lot. Can you say that again?” Awsten asked, genuinely confused by the premise.
“You’ll get it as we go along,” Courtney assured him. “But first, Awsten, do you see anything out of place, in this detective’s office?”
“You know I was kind of wondering when you were going to bring up the giant tub of Twizzlers in the back,” Awsten tilted his head to one side.
“Twizzlers? I didn’t-” Courtney turned her head and saw that there was indeed, a huge plastic tube of Twizzlers sat behind them. “I didn’t put those there!”
“Really? How could you not see them, you were just facing them!” Awsten pointed out.
Courtney cocked her head in confusion. “I don’t know.”
“Why don’t you explore the tube of Twizzlers, Detective Fletchers,” Arasha suggested nonchalantly.
“Hell yeah!” Awsten cheered as he jumped from his seat to investigate the giant red candy.
“What happened to the guitar with the evidence?” Courtney whispered, a little flustered and confused.
Arasha shrugged and raised her hands, similarly confused.
“Spencer?” Courtney turned to look past the cameras, where Spencer was flipping through some pages on a clipboard.
“I got nothing, dude. There’s nothing in the script about Twizzlers.”
“Aha!” Awsten, who had been rummaging around the bin of Twizzlers completely unaware of Courtney’s panic, triumphantly lifted a manilla envelope into the air and waved it around. Grabbing a fistful of Twizzlers, he made his way back to his seat, and offered them to the Smosh cast members. Arasha happily took one, but Courtney declined. She seemed put off by the unexpected change.
“What do you have there?” Arasha asked, pointing to the envelope.
“Evidence!” Awsten held up the envelope for everyone to see.
“Well let’s open it up,” Courtney asserted, shaking her hair back and trying to regain control of the situation. Awsten stuck a Twizzler in his mouth to free his hands and open the envelope.
“Some people seek to fill their heart with a dish best served cold,” Courtney began to monologue as Awsten pulled out the recipe. “But in this house, we only serve justice!” The camera zooms on Courtney’s exaggerated features as she narrows her eyes dramatically.
“Best-Ever Pigs in a Blanket,” Awsten read out loud.
“Let me see that,” Courtney held out her hand expectantly and Awsten handed her the page. She snatched it and held it close to her face, continuing to squint as if the print was too small or hiding something from her.
“Best-Ever Pigs in a Blanket,” Courtney repeated with conviction. “Ingredients: One large egg, water, cocktail-sized smoked sausages, refrigerated crescent roll dough,
Flaky salt for sprinkling.”
Courtney peered over to her guests to make sure they were both listening before she continued.
“And now, for the changes,” she hissed menacingly. “On December twenty-first, twenty twenty four-”
“That was only a week ago,” Arasha pointed out. “This is a hot case.”
Courtney nodded solemnly. “User Danger0sAstrosBoy posted this comment: Truly a classic recipe to bond over with your closest friends. Like my best friend. My REAL best friend, who actually shows up when it means the most.”
“Woah this guy is worked up!” Awsten commented, craning his neck to see the evidence page. Courtney turned the page away from him so she could continue reading it herself.
“I didn't have any blank blank on hand so I substituted blank blank,” Courtney read aloud, including the censored changes. “I haven't tried it yet but I'm sure my friends will appreciate it very much!”
“Wait so they made a change to the recipe and they didn't even taste it?” Arasha asked, concerned.
“That's what it says,” Courtney confirmed, folding the page and putting it back in the envelope. “They gave the recipe five stars.”
“That's ballsy,” Awsten chuckled, crossing his arms. “They messed up the recipe, looked at them, was like, “this is the best thing ever!”, and then shared it online without even trying it? Yeah, right.”
“Are we ready to investigate?” Courtney asked, folding her hands and looking to each of her guests.
“Absolutely,” Awsten smirked. “Bring in the dogs!”
The dish was brought in, and Awsten immediately screamed and nearly fell out of his seat in surprise.
“Oh no,” Courtney whispered.
“Oh no no no no,” Arasha seconded, leaning away from the table.
Courtney looked into the camera, and then beyond it to the crew. “Is this real?” she asked, horrified.
“It’s real,” Awsten choked, sitting himself upright and looking down at the plate placed before them. Instead of the traditional little smokies wrapped in a croissant blanket, what sat before them all instead were two severed hands messily covered in fried dough.
“Whose are those?” Arasha asked, bewildered.
“They're Geoff’s,” Awsten croaked, feeling his stomach twist.
“Geoff-?” Arasha began to ask, but she was cut off by the sound of the soundstage door swinging open from across the room.
“Well well well,” came a familiar and arrogant voice. “Look who decided they would go and appear on Smosh without me.”
“Otto?!” Awsten asked in disbelief. “What are you doing here?”
Otto’s features were obscured by the darkness at the back of the set, but his accusatory tone was unmistakable. “You thought you could just leave me behind? You know I've been watching Smosh since two thousand and six! I should be on the show! I should be having lunch with Ian and Anthony!”
“Dude, I tried to call you, but you didn't answer your phone!” Awsten explained.
“Enough!” Otto roared, stepping from the darkness and on to the stage. “Now it's time for me to get my revenge!”
Awsten tried to stand up and get away, but tipped over in his stool, his perfect ass stuck firmly to the seat.
“What the fuck?!” he yelled after the hard impact onto the stage floor.
“Sorry, I forgot to mention I covered your seat in hot glue before you sat down,” Otto chuckled menacingly.
“That doesn't make any sense,” Arasha pointed out, testing her seat and realizing she, too, was stuck. “He literally just got out of his seat a minute ago to pick up the envelope!”
“Oh can it, Arasha,” Otto scoffed. “This is the part of the fanfic where the action becomes so heated and exciting that the writer stops paying attention to the details in favor of a more emotional payoff.”
Courtney turned her head to one side and gave her classic “are you serious right now?” confused face.
“Wait wait wait wait WAIT,” Awsten interrupted. Not from the floor of the studio, but from his desk chair in his apartment. He looked at Travis through the Discord video feed. Travis stopped reading aloud to look back at his friend. “Otto KNOWS he’s in the fanfic?”
“That would appear to be the case, yes,” Travis answered matter of factly, blinking his eyes slowly and slightly out of sync with each other.
“That's stupid!” Awsten threw his arms up in the air. “And lazy! I don’t even think Otto’s been online enough to know what Smosh is!”
“This story sucks, I don't want to read it,” Awsten whined.
“Because it's meta?”
“I don't want to eat Geoff’s hands!” Awsten explained as if it were the most obvious thing.
“We don't know that you're going to have to eat Geoff’s hands,” Travis responded with fake naivete.
“Yes. We. Do,” Awsten asserted. “We’ve read so many of these we know exactly what's going to happen. I'm gonna be force fed Geoff’s sweaty Pillsbury dough fingers, that's going to somehow make me pregnant, then I'm going to give birth to you, AGAIN, and then everyone dies.”
“Well if you're so sure we could just end the episode right here and call it a day,” Travis shrugged nonchalantly.
“No, no, we’ve already made it this far,” Awsten relented, propping his elbows up onto the desk. “And they said I have a nice butt. Go ahead and finish the paragraph.”
Travis continued the story where it left off.
“Poor beautiful-assed Awsten,” Otto mocked, looking down at his friend. “We could have had so much fun together today, but you had to go and do this all by yourself.”
“I didn't even know you were in town!” Awsten argued.
“It's my BIRTHDAY,” Otto emphasized.
“You know I'm bad with birthdays,” Awsten pleaded. “Only Facebook keeps track of those.”
Otto ignored Awsten's rebuttal and instead reached down and tipped him back upright at the table.
“It’s too late for excuses,” he asserted, pushing the plate of Geoff's dismembered digits toward Awsten. “It’s time to eat.”
“Where even is Geoff?” Awsten asked, concerned, but also trying to stall for time.
“Oh, don't worry about him. He's just fine,” Otto assured him, patting him on the shoulder. “Well, except for the hands part. He'll get over it though, I'm sure.”
“Spencer, what is happening this was not in the script!” Courtney finally asked the crew on set. But when she looked over, Spencer and the rest of the crew had disappeared.
“Oh Courtney,” Otto chuckled, handing her one of Geoff's doughy hands. “They were written out of this story a long time ago.”
“How is that possible?” Arasha asked in disbelief.
“Yeah, how does the author of this story justify these inconsistencies?” Travis interrupted from the other end of the discord call. “They're not even that hard to rectify.”
“I think they're just fucking with us on purpose,” Awsten frowned, scrolling through the text to see how much further they had to read.
“I hope they know they aren't getting bonus points for this because it's very confusing,” Travis muttered.
“Whatever, I just want to get through it,” Awsten grumbled before picking up where he'd left off.
Back on the set of Culinary Crimes, Awsten and Courtney were now slowly and begrudgingly eating one of each of Geoff's hands. As they did so, Otto started chatting it up with Arasha, who seemed at least a bit relieved that she didn't seem to have to eat human flesh today.
“So I heard you like boy bands,” Otto pointed out.
“I'm kind of a little bit of a huge Big Time Rush fan,” Arasha admitted, raising her shoulders, winking, and pinching her fingers to show the size of said ‘little bit’.
“That's awesome!” Otto smiled warmly, as if he was not force feeding his best friend his other best friend's hands. “I've always wanted to meet them. Awsten, did you ever watch Big Time Rush?”
Awsten gargled something incoherent as he chewed through his flesh dough.
“Yeah, you would say that,” Otto chuckled.
“Woah, hang on, is… is his stomach getting bigger?” Arasha asked, pointing at Awsten's quickly inflating abdomen.
“Oh, yeah, that's normal,” Otto shrugged it off. “I think he's pregnant again.”
“Pregfrant?!” Courtney said through a mouthful of Geoff.
“With Travis. Happens all the time,” Otto explained. “That's what he gets for thinking about Geoff so much.”
Awsten scowled at Otto angrily, but the author of this fiction didn't allow him the willpower to fight back. Instead he accepted that this was just another day of his shitty life. Which was a pity, because it had started off so well.
“Was there anything you wanted to say before he pops?” Otto asked Arasha, turning to face her.
“He pops?”
“Yeah. Once Awsten gives birth, Travis will begin to devour everything and everyone will die. So… any last thoughts before we go?”
“I think I'm gonna be sick,” Arasha gagged, looking over at the rotund Awsten. He didn't look so much pregnant as he did swollen like Aunt Marge from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. He looked as if at any moment now he would float off the ground and bounce against the ceiling.
“Yeah, me too,” Otto smiled, placing his elbows on the table and cradling his head to admire his HANDiwork. “Life is a beautiful, fleeting thing.”
