#sls2

A big revelation I had was that many of my relationships especially friendships were on foundations of a form of servitude. The common term is "people pleaser". I simply put a tremendous amount of effort into my relationships to avoid abandonment. Honestly, I cannot and will not put full blame on those I built relationships with. I didn't have a notion of boundaries and so I never set them in any relationship.

My fear would grow and I would push more of myself into the waves and eddies until most of me was washed away. I felt I had no other option but to sacrifice my limits to keep those I cared for close to me. It was last summer that I realized how little that effort would be returned. I found a fascination with reciprocity while studying medieval literature... I've only recently discovered why the concept caught my attention in the first place. I dreamed of a day when all my effort, sacrifice, and passion would be reciprocated. However, that level of give is too much to ask of anyone. It would never be returned.

When I was at my lowest, I was met with that abandonment I feared. I was no longer what those relationships expected me to be and they didn't know how to respond. To many it may have seemed unbelievable but I was burnt out. I had no more to give and no one offered any lifeline for me to take. (All except my partner who was an ocean away.)