#slim fast

Consistency: Not great.

Colour: Not great.

Taste: Could be worse.

Lumpage: Too numerous. Need a whisk.

Conclusion:

is butter a carb?

The entertainment industry owes me a Fat Tax. And the overdue balance is astronomical.

The following is what I'm owed per every offense. This is for main, side, and background characters, etc.

Every time a fat character is slovenly and food obsessed: 3 movies

The fat person is the bully, not because they're fat, but it's definitely because they're fat: 14 per

A fat character appears only to be compared to our assumed to be skinny character now fat: 30 per

Fat character used to be skinny, old love interests no longer interested: 12 per

Any fucking movie like The Whale (2022): 16 per

A fat person is minding their business and is brought into the story because a character is making fun of them: 6 per

Fat person has self love but has to prove it to others. 2 per (ex. Willowdean in Dumplin)

Movie could be cute romance/romcom but instead focuses on self-love: 7 per

Zuckerbaby (1985, German) & Baby Cakes (1989) or any other movie like them: 9 per

Fat person is married and miserable or being cheated on (with skinny person) with because fat: 50 per

Skinny actress has round face, so they are constantly cast to play fat (ex. Amy Schumer, Mae Whitman, Rene Zellwegger, teen Ani Luckiest Girl Alive (2023): 165 per

Bachelorette (2012): 10K per

Anything from the early aughts in which a skinny round faced and size 8 woman is lamenting about being fat and is treated like she is 900 pounds (Bridget Jones, Tyra Banks in hee bating suit, Ugly Betty): 90 per, in addition to all the profits Slim Fast made during that period

The Fat people episodes of procedurals (Bones and CSI): 28 per

Fat character is stalker because no one could possibly love them normally: 45 per

Fat character fucks, but is relationship averse (see any show 2019 onward): 1 per

This is the industries new way of saying sorry for the fat jokes that we're still going to continue doing.

Fat Amy getting Bumper only for his spin-off show love interest to be different and skinny: 39 per

News reports B-roll, for an obesity segment, of fat people walking down the street: 52 per

True story, real person fat, adaptation, actor skinny: 8 per

"Her over me?": 72 per

Fat persons weight being mentioned even though it has no effect on the story: 600 per

A fat body used for shock value: 49 per

Movie stars a fat person, and the plot is about them being outcasts because they're fat: 5 per

Fat character learns to love themself: 10 per

Show is about bullying= bad, unless person is fat (All of Us are Dead 2022); 20 per

Character likes Fat women but never dates/fucks/oogles/looks at one outside of the episode where they are outed as being a chubby chaser (ex. Malik Wright, The Game (2006-2015 + Spin-off) Danny Wheeler, Baby Daddy (2012-2017): 22 per

A fat person makes fun of another fat person for being fat because they aren't fat like them: 20 per

Skinny person Friendzones fat person, not because they're fat, [sotto voce] it's because they're fat: 11 per

Fat actress' career dies because they are fat and therefore are not for any sorry that does not involve their weight: 82 per

A skinny person in a fat suit: 8 per

A character finds love with another fat person because they, too, are fat: 2 per (looking at you, The Sleepover (2004)

A skinny person learns a lesson through a fat person: 6 per

Character was fat in the book, skinny in the movie: 3 per

Super hot or ugly snake dates fat person to get closer to someone else or to steal or to something: 6 per

Super traditionally hot person likes fat person, everyone, including fat person, skeptical and/or suprised: 13 per

Fat character is an idiot, not because they're fat, but it's definitely because they're fat: 15 per

Fat character finds self-love through bump on the head: 2 per

Fat person loses weight, makes them hot, and an asshole: 6 per

Whatever the hell Sam Levinson thought he was doing with Kat on Euphoria: 550 per

I want 1,000 movies and shows for every article ever written about a fat person's body and how they had the audacity to be nude, even you fuck-ass feminist publications who write condescending articles about how brave it is. (Ex. Any article written about Hannah on GIRLS)

So, Slim Fast is embedded in some of my earliest memories. It was the first commercial I ever made fun of when I was five or six years old. Dad and I were watching TV, and there was a commercial where the lady said she lost five pounds or whatever. I remember I like, stopped from my coloring, and mimicked her. It was one of the last times I made my dad laugh. 

(but also, ew. hot cocoa?)

4. 

There’s the shaker! 

My mom also bought into any diet fad back then and bought Slim Fast all the time and even let me have it for lunch alongside her during the Summers, because I too was fat. She made it in a little shaker container. I think she even won a bike at the Commissary for buying a 2 pack of slim fast during the peak of Slim-Fast-iness in the early 90s?! I just remember something about slim fast, a bike, the commissary, and dad giving it or selling it to one of the guys he worked with.  

Back in the late 80s and early 90s, baseball great Tommy Lasorda was the face of Slim Fast in advertising. My most favorite commercial he did was for the short-lived Slim Fast you mixed with juice instead of milk. So of course, the most unhealthiest one was my favorite back then. It was an orange-pineappe flavor.

I found this from a biography about Tommy, turns out he hated the stuff 2:

Another celebrity that advertised the stuff was Willard Scott -- who at the same time was doing ads for Carnival Cruise Lines where he was basking in the glory of the giant buffet. 1 Also, rest in pancakes to Willard Scott, he died recently. America’s Uncle Willard. 

In 1991, it was even offered in some restaurants: 

Southern California restaurants, hoping to lure dedicated dieters, are now featuring Ultra Slim-Fast on their menus. At Sunset Boulevard's trendy Le Petit Four, the diet drink tops the list of breakfast offerings. Selling at $3 a pop, the bistro gets 15 to 18 orders a week. Marie Callender's, a chain famous for its pies, is also serving Slim-Fast, but it's not a big mover. 5

 Around New Years of 1992, Slim Fast expanded big time (er) with food! 

Can we discuss the slim fast CARTON? 

I want to drink Slim Fast out of a carton so bad now. I wonder what was the difference between this and the can though. The can was out at the same time. Did they sit in convenience stores right next to the milk? 

OH speaking of Slim Fast at a convenience store!! I just remembered! A million years ago I saw a video on YouTube of these two bicyclists? who stopped at a convenience store out in the middle of nowhere for a snack. One of the guys got a slim fast shake in a can. He cracked it open and noticed it tasted terrible. It had been in the fridge in the store 3 years past its expiration. I searched high and low for the video, but it looks like it’s long gone.  I found it! They were on a road trip and one guy’s slim fast was fermented. It had only been expired for a year though. I totally mis remembered it. Me in 2008 watching YouTube at 3am.

I miss the Slim Fast in a can. It tasted so much better than the bottle ones they have now, which always, always taste like plastic. 

I found a review for the mac n cheese where food columnist Judy Fitzgibbons stated that the pasta had “no flavor” and a “medicinal aftertaste and odor”. 3

Those peanut butter crunch bars were delicious. 

Ooof that instant soup. It belongs in an office drawer. 

Here’s an example of a slim fast day. Don’t forget your slim fast salad dressing !

...and slim fast ice cream. 

The pretzels got a “poor” rating in a 1993 issue of Shape. They couldn’t even get pretzels right. 

In closing, here are some recipes, I think these are from 1990. Christina is Christina Ferrare who also did commercials for the product. 

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1. Staff, Newsweek. “Living Large.” Newsweek, August 21, 1994. https://www.newsweek.com/living-large-187732.

2. Plaschke, Bill, and Tommy Lasorda. I Live for This! Baseball’s Last True Believer. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 2007.

3. Fitzgibbons, Judy. “On the Label.” Cedar Rapids Gazette, November 17, 1992.

4. Akers, Charlene. Obesity. Lucent Overview Series. San Diego: Lucent Books, 2000.