@slaghtyr said: ❛ did you ever even love me? ❜
it was not meant to hurt you. or, well, perhaps it was — it was not as though you didn’t deserve. but you are certain he had not meant to rip your heart out of your chest and stomp on it. again, you would not blame him if he had. heaven, god, karma or whatever knows you have done enough to earn the coldness that now hides behind his eyes. you would give anything to see just that, for the pain and betrayal to go away ( you would do anything to have him look at you with love too, yet that is a thought you do not allow yourself to conjure up. ) instead, you just stop walking. arms wrap around yourself & if anyone were to ask, you would blame the cold wind. yet it is your heart you fear, the one begging to burst out and proclaim how it beats stronger and faster whenever he is around. or perhaps you are sheltering it from the pain you are about to cause on the both of you ( you would take an entire existence of misery if it meant ace would be alive. )
turning around, you allow emerald hues to study his features — memorize all the details you already know so well. the curve of his nose and the pink of his lips, the way he smiles even when he does not want to and the way his hair shines when it catches sunlight. ❝ of course i loved you. i do love you. ❞ it is liberating the say the words, even if just for a second. ❝ you are one of my best friends, ace, how could i not love you? ❞ and there comes the bitter taste, swirling around in your mouth as a reminder that you are lying — to him, to yourself and everyone else. you cannot remember the last time you felt so utterly alone. ❝ but it’s… us… ❞ a beat. ❝ you mean too much for me to risk losing you. and you saw what happened with nick. and owen. and… ❞ another beat, flashes of the dream coming to mind. the blood on his lips, the light going out in his eyes. suddenly, it becomes a bit easier to lie. lying means ace lives. ❝ it’s not like that with us. but that doesn’t mean i don’t love you. ❞
