#skydiary

09/03/1992-04/19/2016

I'm not perfect; in fact, I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum. I've struggled with my various mental illnesses since middle school, maybe even before. I've attempted suicide a couple times and thought about and planned it out many, many more times. I've self-harmed in the form of cutting in an attempt to silence the monster that lives within me. I've used drugs to numb the mental and emotional pain. I became a full blown heroin junkie. I overdosed and was told by the doctor and police officer that I was "extremely lucky" and that I "didn't almost die, I did die." I sure didn't feel lucky at all at the time. Not long after that I traded in my heroin so that I'd have more time with meth- the meth that I first tried in order to lose weight faster. And not very long after that- I found out I was pregnant. I lived in denial for basically the first half of my pregnancy. And then I woke up. Something inside me told me that although this baby was far from planned, this was no accident. I overdosed and should have died that day, but for reasons unknown to me at the time, God saved me, he kept me alive. Within a month after my overdose, I had become pregnant.... and when all of that clicked inside my head- I knew that God had kept me alive for a reason, and when I didn't care enough about my own life to take recovery and life in general seriously- he gave me something (or rather, someone) to care about. God gave me my reason for living, my purpose in life, my angel, my baby, my RayRay of sunshine.