#sketchhh

I love Hijiyama x Okino soooooooooo much soooobbb!! I’m making a double-sided charm to celebrate TT v TT~ ♥

I was hesitant to begin this little project. Putting it on the side for a while now (along with many others..) but I knew thinking wouldn’t solve the problem.

I’m grateful to draw with friends. When I am stuck I tend to get more stubborn and I fear of becoming a downer, ending in avoid talking about subjects that could be discussed (and rob myself and others from having a potentially good conversation. But alas, I do not wish to ever be the main subject/ center of discussion). I’m finding ways to communicate by asking better questions. It’s still hard, as I have to train my brain to calm down and remember the goal instead of being full-panic mode, overthinking like help i’m drowning. I don’t want to put that responsibility to anyone, unsolicited or not ////////. Ahaha, it sounds as if I am putting another weight on myself, but I think it’s just like carrying a box that contains clothes. Carrying it is not convenient, but I have to- until I unpack it and see how to wear what’s inside. 

That’s.. probably a bad example because who knows of these clothes suit me at all. It’s trial and error..

Anyway /////////o\\\\\\\\\\ I came a lil’ out of my shell and I think after hearing a couple of stories I realised I am overthinking it. Thank you for bearing with me, if you’re reading this TT_____TT♥ you know who you are..

--To the subject--

I’m not necessarily overthinking style yes I do, but I think it’s “time” that makes me freeze. I was processing this today while making Hijiyama bby here. I’m down to making two versions- what’s stopping me anyway-- and this is where the thoughts started to storm.

I am not used to making multiple versions of one thing. For some reason I feel like it’s a waste of time, but that’s because I have other things in the wait-list and I can’t wait to get there- but this will probably never be quenched, so why worry.. ..but I do. I think it’s another step I have to take if I want to get there (wherever there might be). I love the process of getting back in my comfort zone, I know I can do it with ease and fast. I enjoy the process more than anything, to the point of nitpicking details and picking, and picking and never letting go. I’m tired of tying myself to “a process” every time I try something new, as if “I need to remember or I fail”, even if it’s convenient. The weight falls again on my luck- alternatively: lack of skill- but I do not mean it in a way that I’m punishing myself for it, even if I do word it in such a way, because I do not yet know better. I know the result is going to be something presentable, but I’m also aware I run the risk of feeling empty again after it’s complete, and the work will be hollow. I can’t see myself there anymore. But I also don’t know what myself looks like-- with an exception that I am trying to ignite now. Maybe that’s my cue to slow down.  This time, in art. I won’t tie myself to anything. I’ll use my tools to make it easier for me, not for the sake of being fast, but for the sake of capturing what’s in my soul. What we both need, even if sometimes we agree to disagree.