When I started conceptualizing the fic as a whole, I was in the midst of this horrid spiral I’m still working my way out of. One where I had truly created for myself an “outie” and an “innie”, but that “innie” sees the light of day more than my “outie”. I moved from a place I could call Home, where I had people who got me and loved me and let me be who I am, all for the first time in my life. Now I’m in a new place, with new people, and I’ve slipped back into that old performance of being this idealized Blue, one who is sociable and kind and as “normal” as they can be. Making friends and being taken seriously despite who I am is hard. Quite literally that Eggman meme where he goes, “I’M BACK IN THE FUCKING BUILDING AGAIN??”.

I’m working on it! It’s slow and steady. Catabasis is a good outlet, creatively and personally.

Capitalism is a horrid beast that tosses us all in this big rock tumbler. If you don’t get worn down, become smooth and shiny and marketable and useful, you get tossed out, or right back in the machine until you’re useful. People are mean, and loud, and money controls the world around us in a rotten, evil way.

It makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you, because you don’t fit into the machine. It hurts you more than it hurts anyone else, and you don’t know why. Makes you think maybe there’s something wrong with you, something rotting and poisonous, something that’s fighting and clawing and desperate to claw its way out of you.

But there’s not! It’s just you. A machine that is meant to encompass all but doesn’t actually fit all is an inherently flawed one, and one we should never measure our own worth based on.