@sinruby said:ย ๐ฉ oh i'm always here for the tea lmaoo
send me a ๐ฉ and i'll share my unpopular rpc opinions and hot takesย ย ย /ย ย ACCEPTINGย โท
Why yes thank you kindly! XD
OK, so, "you don't owe people anything", "you do owe people basic kindness"...................ย secret third thing.
Both of these things are true and most folks I ever see discuss this actuallyย share the same opinionย even when they are arguing against the other. Literally most folks who say either of these things actually agree and are just arguing about semantics.
Whenever I see people explaining why one or the other of the above statements is the correct opinion, they are literally agreeing with what the people who have the opposite opinion use for their justifications, more or less.ย You don't owe people anythingย originates from useful counter-practice for abuse survivors and people pleasers, and it doesn't, for most people, mean that you think you get to be a dick to people.ย You do owe people basic kindnessย seems to be to counter some of the current Western hyperindividualistic culture, to urge people to do nice things for others because, as we are social mammals, that just feels nice; it's also not meant to be tellilng people to be doormats. So the statements sound opposing, but when you talk to people about what they mean when they say these things, you most often find that they actually agree.
I think both statements are useful, and that everyone gets to decide for themselves which one is more useful for them. "You do owe people basic kindness" might be useful if you're self-aware of your hyperindividualistic tendencies and want to take others into consideration more... but if you're self-aware of being selfish, I don't know that youย needย such mottos at that point. If you're feeling guilty about being selfish, you're probably already... not really selfish, imho. So, honestly, this side feels more reactive and antagonistic, to me - something to tellย other people, rather than something to live by, yourself. It feels accusatory. But! I might be mistaken, and if you susbscribe to this, feel free to talk to me about what the statement means to you and why you agree with it!
"You don't owe people anything" might be useful for chronic people-pleasers and autistic people*, people who feel guilty for not being enough for others, people learning to take better care of themselves.
*secret third thing within the secret third thing within the secret t- Yes, autistic people,ย bothย because RSD profile autistics are likely to be people pleasers, but also because PDA profile autistics, such as myself... let me ramble on for a bit.
I have PDA profile autism, PDA being officially short for "pathological demand avoidance" and re-nicknamed unofficially as "persistent drive for autonomy". So I am not a people pleaser, never have been. I'm not overly selfish either, to the point of never taking anyone else into consideration (though I sort of used to be, as a kid/teenager). If anythingย feels likeย (not actually is, but feels like it might be) a threat to my autonomy? It'sย that much harderย to comply. If someone tries to tell me I owe anyone anything, I'm going to double down and shut down and cooperate less, because my nervous system reacts defensively to that rhetoric. So, no, I do not owe anyone anything, because if I did, I would not do anything kind for anyone. I don't owe anyone anything,ย but I can choose to be kindย - is much more useful for me. Now it'sย my choice, now I'm being kind becauseย I choose to, not because I feel like Iย need to. If I feel like I must meet some moral standard, I am not going to. If I feel like I amย choosing, however, I can do kind things for others, I can and want to take people into consideration, etc. The moment I feel like Iย have to, I won't want to. So I could never go by thinking I owe anyone anything because if I believed that I would instinctively just rebel against that.
Also just, I would much rather someone else be kind to me becauseย they choose to out of their own free will, than they feel... obligated to? Like they owe it to me? The latter sort of almost makes me feel like they're being dishonest with me. I know that's not the case, I know people can have moral rules for themselves in that rhetoric without it beingย dishonest, I'm saying that's what itย feels like. "I don't owe anyone anything, but I can choose to be kind" is perhaps the single most useful sentence I have adopted into my personal values that has actually made me a kinder, less selfish person over the years, "I don't owe anyone anything" is how I have become more mindful of considering others. I had a streak of moral OCD about ten years ago, and while that probably made me seem more selfless... that was me being there for others because my OCD was telling me things like "if you don't, you'll get cancer" etc. ultimately always selfish and unsustainable. I had no personality, no free time from compulsions, I was compulsively donating money despite not always even having enough income to cover my rent at one point, etc. And recovery from that looked a lot like putting myself first, again. And healthy growth towards balance of prioritising myself but considering others, these past several years has looked a lot like, "I don't owe anyone anything (but I can choose to be kind)".
