#singleinla

A year ago, after Mr. R broke my heart the first time, I wrote him a letter telling him “my story” thinking it would somehow help me win him back.  It's amazing how in our moments of heartbroken desperation, we tell ourselves the craziest things. "If I only would of done this, or that, it would change everything." But in reality, there's nothing I could of done to of changed what happened. 

As part of my new goal of being more vulnerable, and since my last entry was all about how our “story” says what we think of ourselves, I will now share that story with you.  Keep in mind, this is over a year old, and after re-reading it, and having talked through it - I see a lot of these things differently. 

Of course, names have been changed out of respect for privacy, Although, I’m sure it goes without saying, that I named myself Ray after my favorite author, Ray Bradbury.

And so it begins….

 There once was a little girl named Ray.

  Ray dreamt about chasing her dreams, and finding her prince charming.  She wanted someone who would look at her and know she was special and never want to let her go.  A person that knew she was different from other girls, and relate to her weird sense of humor, and naive look at life. Ray was a girl who was lost in a sea of never-ending heartbreak. 

  But, she never let the world stop her from following her dreams, or believing that she was destined to be great.  She would be boundless at doing what she loved and she would be limitless at loving every person even when they let her down.

  Since she was young, people have been drawn to Ray’s light and her smile.  The way she made boys feel was addicting.  They were quick to get lost in her stories, laugh at her jokes, escape in her adventures, but then be unsatisfied with the reality of her humanity. 

  As a child, she spent most of her time by herself in the world she had created building tree houses and surrounded by her imaginary friends.  She told her secrets to the animals in her backyard.  Secrets of how she wanted to run away, but felt trapped.  

  Her father and mother split when she was 9.  Her father left and that was the first of many men who would leave her.  

  She had two older sisters that both struggled in their own ways after the divorce. 

  Ray was too wrapped up in the world she had created, and was oblivious that the real world around her was crashing down.  

  She loved the theatre and went to art camp where she made friends who she could be herself around, and taught her how to do the cabbage patch.  She acted in a children’s short movie with puppets where she wore pink stretch pants, a big pink bow in her hair, and sang about making good choices.  

  As the new school year started, things were different.  She was in a new home, and her imagination grew as she was left alone most of the time now that her mother had to work.  A lot of it was spent making up more worlds with new friends. Ray's need for attention along with her red headed temper became too much for her mother.  Ray was sent to go live with her Aunt, Uncle, and three cousins in the country and was home schooled. 

  Living in the country felt more like home to Ray.  Her backyard was the woods. Ray would sing songs while swinging on the tire swing looking up at the great big trees above her.  Sometimes in the morning, Ray and her cousins would ride their bikes down the dirt roads to get fresh eggs before starting their schoolwork that consisted mostly of reading books.  

  When they weren't being home schooled, Ray and her cousins would go out into the woods and play make believe, pretend to be in Tarabithia, write and perform plays, and have make believe weddings. 

  At the end of the year - Ray went back home to the city.  She became quickly depressed and unsatisfied with the structured life she now was forced to live, but found release in finding new ways to create new worlds. She soon began making close friends with most of the boys in her class, and "falling in love" with them. None of them were romantically interested in Ray - and in result, she felt hopeless and endless "heartache".  

  In middle school, Ray was never happy with the amount of attention she received, and she always wanted more.  The loneliness she created for herself gave her a desire to seek attention by telling her best friend that she wanted to kill herself.  At that point, she gained all of his attention as he made it a point to act as her therapist and help her through this time of need.  Needless to say, it was a joke that went too far.  At one point, Ray made a list of reasons why she wanted to die which was snatched up in the middle of class by her teacher.  She was quickly sent to a real therapist who did nothing more then write down Ray's stories about her father she would spout off every week.  Daddy issues are not a thing lacking in Ray's life. 

  After many trips to church camp, mission trips, summer vacations, pop quizzes, endless crushes, and discovering her love for writing - Ray somehow survived middle school.  At the end of 8th grade, she broke her best friend's heart by leaving her private school to go chase her dreams of becoming an actress at an arts magnet high school where she studied theatre.  

  Once she got there, she realized that the theatre world she had grown up in had so many more players then just actors.    

  Ray started spending most of her free time in the costume shop, writing lab, and stage direction.  She decided she wanted to be a director.  When she wasn't working at school, she was at church singing and being a leader in her youth group.   She never knew of a happier time in her life then those times spent with her friends from church just playing music.  

  During her freshman year, Ray became best friends with a girl, Joslyn, who was a music major.   The two of them called each other soul mates, and would laugh at the rumors that they were lesbians while holding hands down the hallway.  

  Ray lived with her father and his partner. During the middle of the school year they broke up, and Ray and her father moved into their own place.  Her dad would spend nights playing the piano which would keep Ray up.  Ray constantly went to school tired, and unfocused, but dreamt of a world where she could escape and be with the animals doing what she loved. Ray’s freshman year she was introduced to the world of drugs through her neighbors. She never partook in them, but many of those around her did.  Once, Ray was sleeping on a couch when a very large scary drunk man passed out right next to where she slept.  That same year, Ray witnessed her father getting robbed and punched.  

  One night, Ray unknowingly ate pot brownies. She spent the whole night terrified that she was slowly going insane and desperately seeking help.  Ray just lied on the couch clutching her cross necklace knowing that she wouldn’t wake up.  Aside from heartache, that was the worst night of Ray’s life.

  Soon she asked her mother to move back home. 

  It was the summer before her sophomore year that Ray's newly safe world seemed to once again fall apart.  Ray's mom left for the summer to go get her masters at a college in Chicago and left Ray in care of her sister. Ray and Joslyn spent almost every day together.  But everything changed when Joslyn thought that Ray was trying to steal her boyfriend and their friendship ended.  Ray was left alone.  There was a guy who started frequenting the apartment who sold drugs, whose friends would go into Ray's room while she was sleeping and make sexual advances. 

  Once their mom was back, it was time for Ray and her sister to go visit family for the rest of the summer.  The man who came to pick them up for the drive was not normal, but Ray and her sister got into the car trusting he would get them to their destination safely.  The whole drive there he kept saying he was seeing people that weren't there and would park at rest stops for hours leaving the girls in the car alone. The girls wanted to go home, but there was no turning back. Once in Missouri, the man continued speaking to inanimate objects and would disappear again and again.  They later found out he was on PCP. 

  Finally they made it back to Texas. The summer was over, and sophomore year came and went. Ray made up with Joslyn, and spent most of her time working on plays or singing at church. 

  Ray's junior year everything changed. Her playwrighting teacher told her that the way she wrote was better suited for a screen and not a stage. Ray had always dreamt of being a part of making movies, but until that moment never thought it was possible.  Ray spent the next summer in Philadelphia taking a screenwriting class, and registered for film classes at school.

  At the end of her junior year, Ray’s hard work over the past three years paid off, and she was accepted to be part of the Senior Directing class.  

  The summer before her senior year of high school, Ray underwent corrective jaw surgery which changed not only the way her face looked, but caused her to lose weight.  The ugly duckling’s transformation into a swan began.

  It was during her senior year of high school that Ray realized she was ready to say goodbye to theatre and follow her passion for film.  That same year she fell in love with the first boy who loved her in return, Z. She shared with him her first everything. 

  When she got the acceptance letter to her first choice film school in North Carolina, her boyfriend begged her to change her mind.  He sent her lists of film schools in Dallas, but Ray knew that school was where she was meant to go. 

  In the first couple months of college, Ray started to get e-mails from different girls who said that her boyfriend was cheating on her with them.  Not wanting to believe them, Ray ignored the signs and continued to trust in the love she believed she and her boyfriend shared. 

  It was time for Ray to come home for winter vacation, and she couldn't wait to see Z.  It was on their one-year anniversary that her plane landed, and Z called Ray to tell her it was over.  That same week she went over there to pick up her items only to find him in bed with another girl.  She never found out if he was cheating, but the evidence points to yes.

  Back at college, Ray lost herself in the world of film, alcohol, kissing boys, and making movies. The next four years would be the best four years of her life.  She fell in love with a fellow filmmaker and they inspired one another.  Their passion for movies and each other was so strong that their fights were epic, the love was overbearing, and Ray's tears when it ended were never ending.  They both knew it wasn't going to be forever and walked away, but knew that their friendship would last them a lifetime. 

  Ray continued to date, and the gift she had to offer to every man was the memory of being young.  She found happiness in sharing the joy of a root beer float, a ride on a swing set, the innocence of that first hand holding, and the feeling of hope in the world. But time and time again - she would date guys only to be left when the world she had to offer them was no longer exciting. 

  After graduating from college, Ray continued to make movies and moved out to LA without a place to live and a few dollars in her pocket.

  Although heartache had followed her throughout life, she never was let down by her one true love - filmmaking.  

  In LA, Ray started to date a man who she knew wasn't the one.  She had manipulated herself to believe he could become that perfect guy, and spent two and a half years of her life with an alcoholic who gave her nothing but lies and betrayal.