#sinfulandsilly

Ate Good friday night, Ate amazingly good Saturday (we tried duck!) we were very gay, we visited my friend and went to a museum Sunday and ate good again

Past couple days since I’ve been really really struggling

Monday I was home alone and just bawled until I fell asleep, I cried like 3 times at work Tuesday

M’s fam was a mixed bag yesterday for her real bday but we got a coffee maker and a meal out of it at least, and in a pleasant turn her mom stood up for her

I’m gonna follow up call some of these therapists on my break in a few, I feel like I have less of a handle on this than ever and it’s been a full week since I sent in my intake stuff

For the past couple weeks she’s also been upset that I haven’t wanted her to eat me out

Anywayyyyyyyyy

Spent all Monday at work (not working) sending out messages to some local therapists, several of which got back to me quickly

I was off work yesterday so I spoke to them some and also did some quick calls with them (also went out and voted)

The more I do toward looking for a therapist, the more nervous I become. I am skeptical (a large part of why I’ve not looked before) and also a money hoarder, so I struggle to both pay a lot of money AND pay it for something I’m doubtful will work. BUT it probably will help. Ironing out logistics. I’ll pick someone soon.

Like I said before, if I don’t do it Now when I’m doing semi-okay, i certainly won’t do it when I’m actually doing bad

I have been so so jumpy and fearful/scared and tbh blatantly Paranoid recently, which I thought I had a handle on (and it would go away with the rest of my depressive symptoms). However, not only has it not gone away but it is bad enough that M has noticed and asked me about it and even asked if she did something to me that has me afraid of her. (She has not, like she’s done things that make me anxious before before but nothing that makes me Afraid yknow) .. She eventually chalked it up to it must be my period by the end of the weekend (to be fair I did have a mean ass period this month but that’s not a typical period/PMDD symptom for me)

I didn’t wanna say too much and sound insane but I was like “no it’s not you, it’s all the time lately” and laughed off being afraid that my boss is spying on me at work. But like, that’s true. I’ve been brought to tears multiple times in the past couple weeks because I feel like/think that my manager is sending people to scope out and spy on me, and literally have my hands shaking any time she speaks to me. (I must stress that my boss is genuinely so relaxed and passive, she literally brought me clothes today she thought I’d fit before she sold them)(“think” is also a loose term. My analytical brain knows this paranoid stuff probably isn’t true. That’s always been my thing, but the paranoid animal brain is actively winning out the Smart Sapien brain recently which isn’t usually how it goes, and that’s making me nervous)

Similar fearfulness with my parents just because my mom hasn’t called me every day the past week or two (not that I Like that but it is weird for her, so I assume the worst)

I’ve spent several days working up the nerve to ask my therapist friend for advice on how to find a therapist, but in the light of M seriously noticing how jumpy and scared I am, I did text him today. I was convincing myself that I was on a hard upswing, but perhaps I’m really not if I’m so extremely skittish.

He is a saint and immediately sent me so much info from his job, and I’m really gonna hold myself to reaching out to some to see what I can do. I am nervous to tell M I’m seeking out therapy because that sounds so intense and I also don’t want her to think she “did it to me.” But also there’s a good chance she’d be glad tbh