I will say, in the shadow of this good weekend:
I have been so so jumpy and fearful/scared and tbh blatantly Paranoid recently, which I thought I had a handle on (and it would go away with the rest of my depressive symptoms). However, not only has it not gone away but it is bad enough that M has noticed and asked me about it and even asked if she did something to me that has me afraid of her. (She has not, like she’s done things that make me anxious before before but nothing that makes me Afraid yknow) .. She eventually chalked it up to it must be my period by the end of the weekend (to be fair I did have a mean ass period this month but that’s not a typical period/PMDD symptom for me)
I didn’t wanna say too much and sound insane but I was like “no it’s not you, it’s all the time lately” and laughed off being afraid that my boss is spying on me at work. But like, that’s true. I’ve been brought to tears multiple times in the past couple weeks because I feel like/think that my manager is sending people to scope out and spy on me, and literally have my hands shaking any time she speaks to me. (I must stress that my boss is genuinely so relaxed and passive, she literally brought me clothes today she thought I’d fit before she sold them)(“think” is also a loose term. My analytical brain knows this paranoid stuff probably isn’t true. That’s always been my thing, but the paranoid animal brain is actively winning out the Smart Sapien brain recently which isn’t usually how it goes, and that’s making me nervous)
Similar fearfulness with my parents just because my mom hasn’t called me every day the past week or two (not that I Like that but it is weird for her, so I assume the worst)
I’ve spent several days working up the nerve to ask my therapist friend for advice on how to find a therapist, but in the light of M seriously noticing how jumpy and scared I am, I did text him today. I was convincing myself that I was on a hard upswing, but perhaps I’m really not if I’m so extremely skittish.
He is a saint and immediately sent me so much info from his job, and I’m really gonna hold myself to reaching out to some to see what I can do. I am nervous to tell M I’m seeking out therapy because that sounds so intense and I also don’t want her to think she “did it to me.” But also there’s a good chance she’d be glad tbh
Idk, I have a lot of emotions about it. I am avoidant of help of any kind, including medical. But it’s been over a decade of my brain working against me (that I can consciously remember and recognize) and it feels like it’s ruling my life and I really want it to stop. I don’t waaaannnnnaaaaa be medicated but I’m willing to be medicated, and I don’t feeeeeeellll like a therapist will tell me anything I don’t know, but I’m willing to listen anyway. Hhhh