#sids tw

Juniper was happy to have their parents in town. The two had originally booked their tickets for this date, with plans to stay for over a week, anticipating that their grandchild would arrive some time this week and they would be there to help out. But when Atlas made his debut almost two weeks earlier, Sky and Cliff accepted phone calls and Facebook video calls to get by until they touched down at SFO. Their check-in at the hostel was swift before they took an Uber to Chris’s mansion.

Now seated side-by-side on one of the couches, the two grandparents appeared to be in heaven with Atlas drifting back to sleep in Cliff’s arms and Sky positively gushing over every single yawn, every curl of his fingers into fists, and every pucker of his lips as though he was nursing the air. Juni was seated in a nearby arm chair, watching her son and her parents. She’d taken some photos with her cellphone and already sent them to both of their phones, and she’d shown them both what the nursery looked like upstairs, now that everything from the shower had found a place in the mansion.

When asked by their mom how they were doing, Juni gave their answer some serious thought before answering. “I’m okay, I think. Well... I know I’m very...” They tried to find a better word than ‘paranoid’ but really couldn’t think of one in the moment. “I still tend to worry a lot about Atlas when he’s sleeping, if no one is holding him or he’s not near me. I know it’s not entirely rational and I’m being paranoid, but I can’t help it.”

“Because of Reed,” Cliff guessed, holding no judgement in his voice.

Juni nodded, not meeting either of their parents’ eyes and instead fixing their gaze on Atlas.

Sky and Cliff exchanged a glance and then Sky spoke up. “Oh, honey, it’s not an entirely irrational thought, and believe me when I say that you’re not alone in it. Holly, River, and Autumn all worried about SIDS too when their children were born. Even Glenn worried somewhat when Felicity was a baby, and he and Robin don’t really remember Reed. It’s natural to worry, especially after having gone through such loss and grief. Even if you hadn’t, you’re a parent now. Parents--the good ones anyway--spend their lives worrying about their children.”

“It comes with the job description of loving them,” Cliff added with a gentle smile. “You’re always going to want what’s best for your child and with that comes with the wonder and worry for them--if they’re happy, healthy and always know that they’re loved. Even when the first two might sometimes be out of your control, you’re never going to stop loving them, or stop trying to do what you can to provide or add to their happiness and good health. And you, Junebug, are without a doubt one of the most loving people I have ever known.”

Her hormones still hadn’t leveled out, so Juni found herself tearing up easily before her father had finished speaking. She wiped them away and nodded again as her mom asked, “Have you talked with Chris about your worries, Juniper? You don’t want to carry something like this on your mind without your partner knowing.”

“I have,” Juniper assured. “He’s been understanding and comforting, and we’re taking the precautions that we can--monitors mostly, and he’s been sleeping in our room since we came home from the hospital.”

“And what about your midwife, or your doctor? Have you talked to them?”

Tucking their bottom lip in, Juni nodded again. “Atlas’s pediatrician, actually. At his first check-up. She had me fill out a questionnaire and recommended I make an appointment with my midwife to talk about..um.. Postpartum Anxiety?” At this point, they were frowning, their eyes back on a slumbering Atlas. “I hadn’t heard of it before, but she thinks I should talk to my midwife about it.”

Sky gave her husband’s forearm a squeeze and then she stood to pull Juniper to their feet and into a hug. Juni hugged their mom back and quietly cried, wishing that they could feel more at ease and worry less--a normal amount of worry, whatever that looked and felt like. They were happy, but they couldn’t shut off or lessen the worry that stayed with them, day in and day out since Atlas was born. They’d hardly slept because of it, even when Chris encouraged them go nap. And they were rarely out of Atlas’s sight for long. They checked the sock monitor on Atlas’s foot frequently and always double, sometimes triple-checked it before lying him down. When nursing him, Juni was keenly focused on the infant’s breathing pattern, and whenever they pumped or folded laundry, or ate a snack, they would do so while keeping an eye on a sleeping Atlas.

“Are you feeling sad or depressed too?” Sky asked, her voice quiet against Juniper’s shoulder.

At that, Juni shook their head. It took a few tries before they were able to verbally respond. “N-no. Not really. Just... worried. Anxious. The arrest situation had me stressed and a little depressed. I worried that how I’d been feeling then played a part in me going into labor ahead of my due date. But I’ve talked a lot of that out, which really helped. But the worried feeling hasn’t gone away. I’ve been really happy too though... happy that Atlas is here and that Chris and I have both been able to spend so much time with him.” They drew back from their mom enough to wipe their eyes again and then spoke on, “He hasn’t been without either or both of us since he’s been born. And I’m happy that he has all four of his grandparents in his life, and so many aunts, uncles and cousins, and pseudo-aunts and uncles in mine and Chris’s friends. And it’s not just Atlas’s arrival that’s made me happy lately. Chris has too.”

Juni was thankful that it was just them and their parents present at the moment. Talking with them alone made it much easier to have a steady conversation compared to conversations with two or more of their siblings around too. Juni loved them, of course, but just thinking back to trying to tell them about their relationship with Chris, back on the island, and that they were pregnant was evidence enough that it was easy to get lost in the shuffle.

They didn’t have the ring to show it yet, but it didn’t stop Juni from telling them, “He proposed to me, and I accepted. We’re going to get married.”

Her mom stilled in front of her, except for her eyes growing wide like saucers. Her dad lifted his gaze from his grandson to his child and he smiled--the corners of his eyes crinkling. At the same time that Sky’s arms flew around their shoulders, Cliff said, “Wow, kiddo. Congratulations!” in a gentle but sincere tone.

“Oh, Juniper, dear, that’s wonderful!” Sky cried, squeezing Juniper as tightly as hr slender arms would allow. “When did this happen? How did he propose? Did he tell you we gave him our blessing already?”

Juni smiled as their freckled face started to redden, thinking about the proposal--and what all took place prior to. But aloud, they said, “Well, he proposed the night before the baby shower. We were in bed, talking. I’d commented on how he gives me forehead kisses a lot, and he said that he noticed that they make me smile, and he wants to make me smile every day for forever.” Sky was punctuating the end of each sentence with a squealing noise, hands pressed to her cheeks while her child went on, “And then, he showed me a picture on his phone of the ring he’s designed for me. It isn’t ready yet, and he told me I didn’t have to answer then, but he asked if I’d want to marry him.”

“Did you?” Cliff asked, genuinely curious.

“Of course she did!” Sky replied, giving her husband a reprimanding flap of her hand while keeping her eyes on Juniper. “You did, right?”

Juniper chuckled at her parents, “Yes, I did. I had no reason to wait to give him an answer. We love each other, we make each other happy, and we both want the same thing--to spend the rest of our lives together.”

“And you’ve both got Atlas,” Cliff pointed out. “Getting married will be another beautiful layer to add to your existing family.”

Nodding and wiping one more tear away, Juni said, “Yes. Family is something we’ve been on the same page about since we first talked about me being pregnant.”

“And I’m sure Atlas won’t be an only child, right?” Sky asked, eyes still wide and full of hope.

Cliff chuckled, “Sky, they just had their first. Let them enjoy their time with him before pestering them for more grandchildren--not to mention now they’ll have a wedding to plan.”

Juniper’s face was heating up again but they were smiling again as they said, “Atlas won’t be an only child forever, Mom. Chris and I have talked about that before. But Dad’s right, about the wedding planning.” She smiled a fraction more, “I think between that, tending to Atlas, and Chris’s film projects, we’re going to have our hands full for a while.”

Sky grinned, “Of course, dear, of course! But you know, there’s nothing that says you two couldn’t end up with Irish twins, like Holly and River!” She winked and Cliff coughed a small laugh.

Juni just turned more red, mentally considering that Atlas wasn’t planned and yes, that was a possibility, but one that they couldn’t spend too much time thinking on for right now. “Well. We’ll see. I definitely have some healing to do before we put much focus on a sibling for Atlas.”

Sky’s grin softened greatly into a look of more understanding than before. “That’s good, dear. Truly. Your body needs time to physically heal, but allow your mind that same sort of grace too, okay? Not only is labor taxing on the body and mind, but everything you have told us would absolutely warrant you giving yourself time to heal in every way possible. Just know that while we may live two states away, we’re here for you, okay?”

Juniper nodded, “Okay. Thank you, Mom. Thank you, Dad,” and with a light smile, hugged her mother, and then moved towards her father to give him a one-armed hug across his shoulders. Atlas was still peacefully sleeping; it was a sight she couldn’t get enough of, even when she was very, very tired.

Cliff looked from his grandson to his child, noticing the weary expression and dark circles forming under her bright blue eyes. “Have you got anything you need to take care of right now, Junebug?”

Juni thought about this for a moment and then shook her head. “I don’t think so. I’ll have to pump again later, but right now, there’s nothing I can think of. I wanted to make sure Atlas and I had time to spend with you.”

“Well, I’ll tell you what,” Cliff spoke, rising from the couch with his grandson still secured in his arms. “You know your mom and I are old pros at this, and you’re close by. Would you want to try and take a little nap?” He saw the panic flit across Juni’s face and then calmly assured her, “Just here on the couch. You’ll be close. Your Mom and I will be right here with him and if anything happens, we’ll wake you right up, okay?”

Juniper frowned, trying to think of a retort other than, ‘It’s okay, I don’t mind’ in regard to staying awake, but their Mom had knelt in front of the couch next to Juni and gently insisted, “You need your rest, Juniper. Even if all you sleep for is an hour--half an hour, you’ll be an even better parent than you already are if you get some sleep. And it’s like your Dad said: We’ll be right here and stay in this room with Atlas while you rest.” Sky rested a hand on Juniper’s kne while gazing up at her with calm but hopeful eyes.

The idea of a nap sounded inviting and alarming at the same time. But Juni  knew that they were extremely sleep-deprived and not just because of the nightly feedings. After a handful of pensive passing seconds, Juni nodded, “Okay... just... just for a little while. Please wake me up though if--”

“We will,” her mother promised, giving her child’s knee a squeeze. “Now go ahead and lie down, here, dear.” And as Juni did so, Sky reached for the afghan draped along the back of the couch and pulled it down to cover most of Juniper’s body.