#sides angst

Roman gasps as he wakes up, panting hard, tears rolling his cheeks. He felt like he couldn’t move, the dream having been so vivid. He could hear him, feel his presence there with him. He looks to his left, and it was empty. The bed was still neatly done, not even the pillow shifted. He runs a hand down it slowly, afraid to move it for a moment. It had to stay perfect, the pillows had to stay the way it was, it had to stay smooth.

Roman checks the hour, seeing he had only one hour to get ready and had to leave no later than said hour. Today was the day, and while he was nervous, he had to move on with it. He grabs his phone, dialing a number and places his arm on his forehead.

“Hello?”

“Hey. I need you.”

Roman fixes his tie, sighing shakily as he walked into the church. He looks around, seeing family members, friends, acquaintances, people he knew. He sees Virgil and Patton, walking over to him. They were talking in hush whispers, Patton being the first to look up. Patton tapped on Virgil’s shoulder and they both went towards Roman.

“Roman...”

“Hug me.”

With that, they both wrapped their arms around Roman. He let out a breath he was holding in, shaky and unsteady. He grips onto their jackets and tears up, gritting down on his teeth.

“Roman-“

“Just hug me.”

They stay quiet, Virgil separating when he needed to tend to the people coming. Patton kept his arms around Roman, leading him to the front. Roman shook his head, not wanting to look. It was too much.

“I can’t, Patton,” Roman grips onto his shoulder, looking down at his shoes.

“Let’s sit. We still need to wait for the priest,” Patton informs him and leads him to the pews, letting him sob on his shoulder. He rubbed his back, seeing the people going up towards the front.

-

“What are you doing?”

“Talking to the moon.”

“Why? It won’t respond.”

“I know, but she’s a beauty. Just look at her.”

“She sure is a beauty.”

-

Roman runs his hand over the smooth wood, looking at the flower. He lets out a shaky sigh, opening the lid slowly, Damian and Remy standing behind him. Roman had his eyes closed, taking deep breaths to control himself. He opens them slowly, looking down at the person laying there.

“Logan.”

He covers his mouth, trying to keep his composure. He takes in a deep breath and blows it out, feeling fresh tears well up.

“Oh god, Logan,” He whimpers out and wipes away his tears, eyes now puffy and red, “Logan.”

He strokes his cheek, seeing his peaceful looking face. Roman shook his head, not wanting to believe this was his husband.

“Please come back, my love. Please,” Was what he could whimper out besides his name.

-

“How long?”

“14 months, possibly more but it shouldn’t be more than two years.”

“Logan, I’m terrified.”

“Hey, I’ll come back. I always do, don’t I?”

“You better come back.”

“I will, mi amor. I promise.”

“Te amo.”

“Te amo también.”

-

Roman was holding onto Virgil’s hand as they handed him the flag. He let go, taking it gently and holds it delicately. He looks down at it, then back up at Damian and Remy.

They were both close to Logan, having gone through the training and boot camp together. They’ve known each other since diapers. They’ve been through hell and back. They were all in combat, they’ve tended to each other’s injury. It was Damian who saw Logan take his last breath, while Remy could feel it under his hands as he put pressure on the wounds. Seeing them keep their composure at this delicate time, with everything they saw, Roman could only imagine how difficult it was for them.

He looks down once more, closing his eyes and tried to imagine Logan next to him. At their house. In bed. Together.

Not at his funeral. Not at the cemetery. Not where they were surrounded by many. Not this.

Roman opens his eyes as the trumpets play, and he was at the verge of breaking down. He didn’t want to be there anymore. He wanted to be home, where all of their things were at.

He did not want to read the headstone he had to get for Logan.

‘CPT. Logan Alexander Sanders

Beloved husband, father, brother, mentor, soldier, and friend.

July 12, 1981-December 20, 2019’

-

“Is this the home of Captain Logan Alexander Sanders?”

“Yes, I’m his husband.”

Roman knew why they were here, but he didn’t want to believe it. Everything went mute to Roman when they confirmed it, covering his mouth as he cried, screamed, holding onto the door handle for support.

“No! No he can’t be dead!”

“We’re very sorry for your loss.”

Roman sobs and shakes his head, screaming at the pain he felt once more. Virgil was outside when he heard the screams, running over and froze when he saw them.

“No. No. This isn’t real.”

Virgil shook his head, falling down onto the grass and grips his hair. His brother. His baby brother.

Logan was killed during active duty.

This was the day before Christmas, when Roman was preparing his come back.

-

Roman gently placed the frame over his chimney, next to Logan’s picture. He backs away, looking around his now home. He felt alone. He felt cold. He felt scared. He wanted Logan. He wanted to be held. He wanted to be reassured he’s safe. He wanted his protection.

He wraps his arms over himself, trying to imagine Logan’s slender but toned arms around him.

“You broke your promise,” Roman whispered into the air, “You didn’t come home,” walking to his bedroom and laid down.

-

“How does it feel to be Mr. Sanders now?”

“You’re a little cocky, huh?”

“Ecstatic, really.”

“It feels amazing. Mr. and Mr. Sanders.”

“Roman Carlos Sanders. Fun initials.”

“Is that what you’re really thinking about?”

“Well, it is you, so yes.”

“...”

“Roman?”

“I fucking love you, dork.”

Logan laughs in response and Roman just watches him as if he was the most beautiful star. His heart fluttered even more, and he was falling for him all over again.

-

Roman sat up on their roof, looking up at the moon. He stared up it, seeing how she shone brighter than ever. No need for much light, the moon was bright enough. Even the stars seemed brighter, seeming to twinkle and were putting on a show. The whole night sky was littered with stars, making Roman stare in awe.

A gust of wind brought him back, and he looks at the moon once more. He swallows back his tears and gives a shaky smile.

“I know you’re somewhere up there,” He whispers softly, “Logan, I love you. I never...I never got to tell you one more time. I love you, Logan. I love you.”

He fists up his hands, wiping away any stray tears. He soon remembered something, letting out a small chuckle.

“Take care of our, little Thomas. I hope you two are together and I’ll see you one day.”

He felt a gust of wind once more, but it was a gentle blow, as if wanting to envelop him in a hug. Roman gives a small smile, walking down to his room.

-

“Logan!”

Roman laughs as Logan picks him up, spinning him around. He squeals as Logan picks him up bridal style, a bright smile on both of their faces. Roman stares into those dark eyes, which would always hold mystery but they also help compassion. Empathy. Love. Curiosity. It held the secrets of the universe.

“You’re staring, my rose.”

“How can I not? You’re just dashing, sunflower.”

“Flattery will only get you in bed quicker.”

“Is that a promise?”

Logan laughs this time, setting Roman down and cups his cheek. Roman leaned into his warmth and smiles softly. The calm winds blew through them, the sounds of waves crashing was calming, birds singing or chirping. Logan kisses Roman’s forehead, and Roman hums at the warmth.

“Together forever.”

“Logan, what’s wrong with you?”

Patton knew the answer already, but he needed to hear it from Logan. He needed to hear his ex-brother-in-law say those words, to admit to his wrongdoing. Logan didn’t respond, instead wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and gripped onto the leather jacket.

“You’re using again, aren’t you?”

Patton looks over to their old friend, who was staring in disbelief as Logan just shifted his eyes away and mumbled in the boyfriend’s chest. Patton sat down, needing to take it all in. He couldn’t believe this, and just the thought of having to tell his ex-husband about his brother was too much.

“We’re getting married.”

With that, Patton’s head snaps up, seeing Logan now facing the group of people and was staring at the ground. Logan was definitely back on opioids, after two years clean, he relapsed. Logan, his best friend, and a little brother to him had not only relapsed but is now marrying his equally drug-addicted boyfriend.

“No, you’re not,” Emile stands up, shaking his head and walks over, glaring at the boyfriend, “You get out of here. He’s got to go, now. Leave.”

“Ryan and I are getting married,” Logan says in a low voice, which was cracked, “We are getting married soon. Do not speak to him like that,” He lays his head on his chest, keeping a hand on his shoulder.

“Logan, you won’t get sober if you stay with him,” Another colleague speaks up, standing up and slowly walks over, “You need to leave him.”

“Shut up,” Logan glares at them, “You shut up. You know nothing about us.”

“Listen,” Dolos stands up also, letting out a sigh, “Logan’s addiction isn’t Ryan’s fault. If Ryan wants to get sober too, then we can help him. Ryan, this is an offer you shouldn’t give up,” Dolos looks at Ryan, who was just looking away and down at Logan, keeping him close.

“No, no we are not,” Emile shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair, “We will not be helping the person who did this to him.”

“We are not here for Ryan,” Patton finally speaks up, walking over quickly, “We are here for Logan. He is our main focus.”

“But if Logan gets sober with someone he loves, then it will make the recovery much smoother and he will want to get involved with the program,” Dolos interjects and lowers the hand he had put up, “There is research on this, guys come on, back me up.”

Patton tuned him out, staring at Ryan’s wrist as he had his arm around Logan’s shoulders. He frowns, taking two steps forward as he recognized that watch. He couldn’t believe his eyes, looking at Ryan and then at Logan with an agape mouth, storming over and grabbed his wrist. Ryan moved back, glaring at Patton and Logan just kept his eyes down,

“You gave him the watch?” Patton whispers, grabbing Logan’s chin and made him look into his eyes, “Logan, look at me. You gave him your father’s watch?!”

“Do not touch me,” Logan roughly shoves away his arm, glaring at him and steps away, “It’s just an engagement present.”

“It’s your father’s watch!” Patton exclaims, wide-eyed and pinched  the bridge of his nose, “You don’t just give that away!”

“Leave me alone,” Logan walks off and grabs his jacket and bag.

“Just let him be-“

“This is none of your business!” Patton raises his voice at Ryan, shoving his hand away from  him, “I am talking to my brother!”

“I’m not your brother,” Logan mumbles and grips his jacket in hand, twisting it.

Patton grabs Ryan’s arms and raises up his wrist, showing the watch on him, “You do not just give this away! This is from your mother! Do you know how this will make her feel?! Logan, say something!”

Logan stumbles with his words, looking between Patton and Ryan, giving a small shrug in response. Patton was getting irritated, but his concern over Logan was also growing. This was not normal, and he needed Logan to realize this. To give away a watch of big importance, this wasn’t Logan. This was someone else.

“I’m sorry, but what does that watch have to do with all this? What is the significance of it?”

They all look over at the female colleague who spoke up, and Logan once more just shrugs. He shakes his head and looks at them,

“It’s just a watch. It’s nothing.”

“Say the truth, Logan,” Patton places his hands on his hip, tapping his fingers on them as he held his composure.

“Fine,” Logan clears his throat, “My mother gave it to my father for their anniversary-“

“That is not the truth!”

“Patton-“

“Emile, you and I both know that is not the truth,” Patton raises a finger to stop him talking and turns towards the group, “Two guys came into his father’s store when he was little-“

“You shut up!” Logan stomped over and grabbed Patton by his arm, gritting his teeth, “You shut up! You do not tell that story! That is not your story to tell!” He yells at him, Ryan stepping forward and grabbed Logan.

Everybody stared at Logan in shock, seeing how he had reacted angrily to Patton of all people. Patton just stood there, knowing this would happen.

“He was not your dad! He was my dad! My dad!” Logan cries tears started to edge up and soon down his cheeks, “You shut your mouth! Shut up!” Logan starts to fight against Ryan, trying to go after Patton in a fit of rage and despair, “You stupid, ignorant, monster bitch! You do not tell that story!” Logan cries on Ryan’s shoulder, Ryan trying to control Logan, “You do not ever tell that story!”

Ryan places a hand on the back of Logan’s head and rocking him gently as he kept crying, trying his best to keep him calm as Logan just cried, sobbing almost at this point. Logan grips onto Ryan, looking at Patton over his shoulder, tears now smudging his makeup and showing his dark bags,

“You ever tell that story, and I will kill you with my bare hands! I will kill you, Patton!”

That made Patton back up a step, eyes wide once more at the words. Logan had never gotten this bad, but he was over the edge. He opened his mouth to speak, but Logan was begging Ryan to leave. Ryan just nodded, kissing his head and led him to the elevator.

“Logan, stay, please.”

Logan sniffles, pressing the down button and looks at Nate, eyes blank at this point. He scoffs, letting out a sarcastic chuckle.

“Nate, I will never, ever, love you back,” He sniffles and raises an eyebrow, “You know that, right?”

Logan didn’t wait for a response, stepping in the elevator and Ryan is behind him. He looks back at Patton, letting out a small sigh.

“It’s nice to see you all,” He nods, “Hope to see you all again once everything is calm.”