I don't really have anywhere else to write this or anyone to talk to about it but
I've been really wanting to kill myself again the last 2 days... it's holidays here and i've just been sleeping because i really dont enjoy anything anymore and it's like what's the point to continue
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You have a s/i? *kicks legs cutely* you should tell us about them! (If i read that write.....i love knowing about peoples s/i's) -@millionsvash
WAUGH I AM EMBARRASSED SO I WILL PUT IT UNDER A CUT (and also bc I talked way too much) BUT. Yes,, yes I do,,
I mean, when I say I have a self insert itās very much 100% just āsef, but in the Trigun universeā š¤£ but,, they grew up in one of the smaller towns, just one crashed ship turned into a struggling town, like most of them. Itās very middle-of-the-road, not prosperous but not outright failing; crime there isnāt any worse than it is everywhere else. Thereās still enough scientists and plant engineers there to keep things runningāand some of the scientists from the first generation tried very hard to pass knowledge down to the younger ones.
Thereās another crashed ship, not too far away, but it didnāt get turned into a town. It was scrapped for parts, of course, but not many survived its fallāand no (capital P) Plants did either. Over time, its scrapped hull was covered in the desert sands and forgotten. Except⦠thatās not quite true. Some of the scientists got to it. Told everyone else there was nothing left in it. But they kept a small lab going, inside it, running power lines from the townāthere was a Plant that survived, and it was a geo plant. Years passed, and the Plant did eventually die, but the (lowercase p) plants that the scientists were able to clone and grow are kept going through hard work and whatever remnants of lost tech can be found. My SI is one of the new generation of scientists (yes, the scientistās SI is also a scientist, who wouldāve guessed) who are allowed to know about and work in the labāitās a closely guarded secret, because if outsiders were to know⦠well, everything would be looted and sold, the plants would all die, and what little biodiversity theyāve managed to support would be lost forever. Obviously, theyāre trying to create arable land to grow and spread the plants from, but thatās easier said than done in a town where water is strictly rationed.
There are rumors that there are other ships where seeds survived the fall; maybe not even known to the inhabitants of the towns that sprang up around themāand my SIās dream is to look for them. They believe that this planet can still be terraformed, that theyāll be the one to clone and distribute different kinds of seeds; that, working together, everyone is going to be able to fill this world with greenāand with flowers.
Itās outside the lab that they meet Vash, who knew there was something that this town was hiding, and thought that it had to do with the Plants. After some shenanigans with some bandits who had also been searching for whatever secret this town was hiding, Vash ends up finding out about the lab, and is⦠well, happy that thereās something good going on for once. His hope for humanity is a little bit buoyed. And, of course, my SI falls for him quickly. Theyāve been able to grow some flowers in the lab, and my SI keeps some pressed ones, makes little trinkets out of their favorites. Vash seems enamored with the geraniums, so they give him one. He immediately likes them, tooāwhich means he has to leave. They donāt think theyāre ever going to see him again, and theyāre sad to see him go.
Fast forward a whileāa few years, probablyāand my SI has (because of their run-in with Vash) decided to travel in search of ships that still have seeds. Theyāre trying to sneak around, to get access to whatever there is left of the gutted ship (which is mostly just the surviving Plants, like most places) when they see a tall blond in a red coat. He doesnāt exactly blend in. They go after him, and he remembers them. They get caught up in the shenanigans that follow Vash everywhere he goes, but they do manage to get into the ship, thanks to him, and they do find seeds hidden away that they hope will maybe be able to grow. So they cement themself to his side, because he can clearly help them get into more ships. He has a knack for it! Whereād he learn to do that, anyway? They both catch feelings quickly, and *hand waves* canon ensues. Itās obviously a very long time before either of them confesses their love, because of. Yāknow. Vashās guilt and martyr complex, and because my SI isnāt necessarily a confident personātheyāre sure theyāll lose Vash as a friend if they ever told him how they feel. (Theyāre me. Theyāve got anxiety.) so itās just this long term mutual pining situation where theyāre both super obvious to everyone else around them, while somehow managing to be oblivious to each other.
Side note: if you ever see me with an SI situation where itās NOT long term mutual pining, youāll know Iāve died and someone has taken over my identity.
Eventually, though, their feelings canāt be kept secret anymore, and my SI confesses. Vash feels the same. Aaaand thereās lots of crying and sex. And vash struggles with so much guilt and trauma, but he has their love. And together they can do anything š„°š„°š„°
And They Lived Happily Ever After. The End. š¤£š¤£
If you think itās bad to be my friend, itās worse to be me. I will not argue, however, that it is worse to be me than it is to be you. I will in fact readily concede to the idea that me being me makes it harder for you to be you. Toooootallyyyy agree that I make things worser. Worser for wearer. WORSER FOR WEARERER? I HARDLY KNOW āER!
I love going to AA meetings half drunk. Itās like Iām actually trying to get sober for real. Like yeah itās a struggle, sure, as if this is what I want to feel like most of the time. No, idiot, Iām usually sober, just like you are. Give me the stupid coin or not I actually couldnāt care less I just came here to remind myself Iām not the only bitch in the world with stupid things that get in the way of living a real guyās life. Weāre all stupid here. I am thirsty for bean water. And confessions. If my rent is paid I have not a problem in the world.
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Iām like if a human was a bomb and society was pushing that bomb to the location in which we want it to go off at but the pushing increases chances of early detonation so we all have to be reallll careful and the instinct is to hold your breath while handling the bomb but it is essential that you remain consistently breathing and deeply too