What does it feel like?
Ok, so this post is maybe a little niche, but I always wonder this about other people so I wanted to share my own pov for things you usually don't hear about! Basically, I love hearing about what people experience, but then I go to write it and I'm like, oh fuck. I know whats happening from the outside, but how the person experiencing it describe the situation???
Shit out of luck, then, aren't you?
Cue me asking my sister what it feels like to have a friend die and hoping they don't look at me askance. "You've never experienced grief?"
Yeah, but probably not the way you do.
Anyway, unless it's something people decide to write/talk about, you don't really know, and some things are more commonly described than others, so I'll share my own!
Stims
Ok, so I stim a shit ton. A stim, btw, is a repetitive motion used for self regulation, often seen in autism and ADHD. Like constantly stimming, and I'm also constantly being told/put in situations where I cannot. For example, one of my favorite stims is pacing back and forth, but if the cat's on your lap, it's really unachievable. So what does it feel like to suppress a stim?
It feels like there's this tenseness building up in my muscles, and also in my brain. If I'm thinking about something that is causing a strong emotional reaction, my brain will be overwhelmed by the emotions that I'm feeling. When I finally get to stim, it's like someone released the pressure from a pressure cooker and all the steam disappears and leaves things a lot clearer and simpler. Stimming doesn't calm me down, but it makes everything more organized in my head, in a way. Personally, I prefer certain stims for certain situations, but I can release some of the pressure by doing a different stim, even if I can't release all of it. If I'm substituting, I'll usually try to do the 'right' stim later to get rid of that last bit of steam I couldn't get rid of earlier.
Shut down
This is also autism related. Lol, I'm doing my best to bring an interesting experience though.
Anyway, a shut down is when you're brain decides, enough is enough boys, shut it off, let's get out of here. Disclaimer: everyone experiences these things a little differently. I don't often melt down - though I have, pretty sure - but I've shut down a few times I can remember, and it usually feels like I'm really empty. If someone was to ask me what I was feeling then (and I was able to respond) I'd probably say nothing. My brain stops doing the whole 'understanding my emotions' thing when I shut down, so I literally just. Don't. Feel. It also feels like someone's wrapped a hand around my throat when I think about speaking. It gets really hard to push words out past this outside force that's keeping them in, but also my brain is off so there's not really anything I would want to say anyway.
I've been taught to mask really well, so if I need to, I can push past the block, but my ability to have a conversation is restricted to following well known scripts. Seriously, the brain has shut off. The best thing for me in that situation is to get in a dark room on my own, turn on a song on repeat, and do something completely mindless like playing cards over and over.
Using a script
A script is a well put together understanding of the rules of conversation. Generally, using a script is a little annoying when I do it consciously, and just tiring if I'm doing it subconsciously. Essentially, a specific script may be like "if you need to contact a co-worker, you need to have a greeting and ask them about how they are/their weekend. They ask you and you say it was good and provide one line about something you did in case they want to make small talk. Once the small talk is over, make your request. Once the work conversation is over, make a sentence that is friendly and not work related to show you appreciate their company, not just what they do for you." That's my very specific script.
Sometimes, it's more vague, like "in a three person conversation, you can make one or two sentences about a topic if there is a break in conversation of half a second or more before someone else needs to be given a chance to speak. Do not stray off topic. Do not tell fun facts. Do lean in towards the person talking and make eye contact and nod at appropriate intervals."
Using a script doesn't feel inauthentic, because it lets me convey the things I want but in a way that makes sense to others, but it is exhausting because even when I do it subconsciously, it takes energy to gage when I'm allowed to speak and when a certain topic is over. Sometimes I make mistakes, and I feel very uncomfortable because a lot of these rules are pretty deeply ingrained. When I'm using a very specific script, it can be annoying because I don't want to go through trivialities, but I know that not going through them leads to a more terse environment, so it's necessary. In general, I don't notice anymore when I use a general script, which makes needing to go against it a lot harder. A specific script is more appropriate to very specific, but necessary situations, whereas a general script should be used for more social situations.
