#shoulding

What happens when you get a case of the shoulds? You know, the I should do the laundry, clean, do the dishes... do you live or continue to should all over yourself?

Today I woke with a violent case of the shoulds.

I should do the laundry. I should do the dishes. I should mop the rest of the floors. I should go grocery shopping, make dinner, clean the upstairs.

The shoulds are as infiltrating as the flu and the symptoms are almost as debilitating. Lucky for me I took a yoga class from Kelsey Chorus and her wise words echoed through my body; “stop…

Yesterday, @anti-pro-ana-ariana‘s mentions of DBT and I-statements reminded me of days in treatment when we had DBT group and how useful DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) really was for me when I was recovery focused. 

My main point is to encourage others to think about how you use the words “you” and “should.” In many cases, such as in the last sentence, “you” is understood as “one” or the general intended audience, but starting a sentence with “You should...” can add pressure to an already frustrating situation when you are speaking to someone with the goal of getting them to change their behavior in mind. 

“You should talk to your therapist about...”

“You should try...”

“You should want to nourish yourself.”

Instead, think about using “I” to say. “I feel like it would be beneficial to you if your therapist knew about... because...”

My ex used to should on me whenever we got into an argument about how I was doing, and it irritated me to no end sometimes because I already knew what I “should” be thinking/feeling/doing if I was not a person struggling. 

I’ve been shoulding on my self a lot lately:

I should have lost 10 more pounds before the wedding. 

I should have stuck it out in LA a little longer. 

I should have taken just a little bit longer in choosing a career path. 

I should be making and saving more money. 

I should be eating better. 

I should be working out more. 

I should be traveling more. 

I should be networking more. 

I should be getting my resume to more people. 

I should be nicer to my dad when he’s making me crazy. 

The list goes on. Trust me. I’m pretty sure it’s a huge part of my current insomnia. But the only result is that I end up feeling inadequate and ashamed. Oh, well, now THAT’s healthy. I would never, ever talk like this to my friends who are near and dear to me, so why on earth am I doing it to myself? A growth edge for sure, in that my challenge is to embrace what is and make decisions based on where I want to be rather than beating myself for the path that led me here. 

I should go to work now.