#shiyi

    For the briefest moment, Shu Yi’s mind takes him back to 20.

    He’s not yet finished school and in the midst of that final semester’s end, swimming races against Zheng Wen for the hell of it, and letting Bing Wei persuade him along to bars for karaoke, Shu Yi is in love. And if he isn’t there quite yet he’s aware that he’s falling deeper by the day — by the second, really — into irrevocable love with Gao Shi De.

    He’s accepted Shi De’s place in his life as fact and he wouldn’t change it. It’s the way Shi De constantly frets over Shu Yi’s meals, and how Shi De can’t drift asleep without the certainty of gluing himself snuggly to Shu Yi’s back. It’s difficult to admit, at least at first, that Shu Yi can no longer imagine how he’d go on without these things. While they’re together, it’s easy to pretend that he’d be just fine apart, even if inside he knows that’s a lie to save them both a few tears. Shu Yi is 20 and falling in love with the man he’d grown up despising; and as the time comes for them to separate, and further when Gao Shi De betrays him, any tears Shu Yi had saved with lying to himself flow tenfold.

    He’s almost 22 and Gao Shi De broke his fucking heart.

    His eyes rip open as he comes back to his present, where the bastard’s adhered his cheating mouth to Shu Yi’s jawline even as he removes his own suit jacket. Shu Yi’s stomach twists with the realisation that he’d so nearly let him… he’d almost allowed him to get away with this.

    With Gao Shi De’s distraction comes a loosened grip, and Shu Yi grapples onto the chance — he launches his leg up without sparing a second, kneecap meeting Shi De’s groin in a hit that has the man’s face crumpling in pain. Even now Shu Yi’s chest twinges in sympathy, but he discards the feeling as abruptly as it had arrived in favour of escaping Shi De’s weight.

    In the blink of an eye, he’s clutched his mobile to run from the room in search of the gun he knows his dad stashed in the case of emergency. If the sound of Gao Shi De’s heaving at Shu Yi’s heels and the shaking in Shu Yi’s limbs are anything to go by, this certainly counts as an emergency. He tears the gun from the safe hidden in the back of his closet and hauls back to his feet. Adrenaline and nerves quickening his heartbeat beyond belief, he stands with the gun poised at the bedroom door. It’s strange that, for all that it feels like his mind is tripping over itself with questions, Shu Yi can’t pick out a single distinguishable thought aside from wondering, if it came down to it, would he be able to put a bullet through any part of Gao Shi De?

    He tries to calm his breathing in order to listen for Gao Shi De’s inevitable steps and figure in the doorway but when none come, Shu Yi inhales slowly and, with a glance to be sure he’s still got his father’s usual guards set to dial, he ventures into the hall. He’s met with the sound of Gao Shi De retching from inside the guest bathroom, and Shu Yi’s heart drops with relief as he trips back against the wall. He swallows, eyes closed, taking a moment to catch his breath. He stands frozen there in uncertainty, but within what must be less than five minutes, Gao Shi De has gone quiet.

    Shu Yi bites his lip between his teeth and peeks into the bathroom. Gun in hand, Shu Yi’s arms falter as he takes in the sight of Shi De out cold on the tile floor, his once pristine dress clothes stained with vomit. Shu Yi grimaces, nose wrinkling in disgust and something like pity, as he prods a foot into Shi De’s ankle. He’s really asleep. With that assurance, Shu Yi sets the gun onto the countertop and allows himself to let out the air he’d been holding like a security blanket in his chest.

    More collected, he steps over Gao Shi De to flush the mess he’d made of the toilet. He crouches beside him, unable to believe that after what had happened, now and before, Shi De is shameless enough to sleep so peacefully. Shu Yi raises an open palm to stamp a bruise against Shi De’s skin, a fist to shatter his jaw into fragments, but the hand pushes instead into Shu Yi’s hair, frustration tearing it back from his forehead as he looks away from Shi De’s unconscious face.

    He deserves it, Shu Yi knows. For what he’d almost done to Shu Yi this very night, for what he’d done years ago, Gao Shi De deserves to be as hurt as he’d made Shu Yi. And although some part of Shu Yi hates himself for being unable to deliver the blows… he just can’t. Neither can he let Shi De lay here in a puddle of vomit, as much as Shu may want to call it a day and abandon him. He huffs out a breath and goes about removing Shi De’s clothes for the wash.

    As he hurriedly wipes down Shi De’s body with purposely very little attention to detail, Shu Yi can almost hear his father’s voice saying that Shu Yi’s got to learn to be less soft, not to be the rug everyone likes to step on and discard. Shu Yi gives another huff, tosses the washing cloth into the sink in favour of dragging Shi De to his feet for the living room. He dumps him unceremoniously onto the leather sofa and Shu Yi swallows once Shi De’s out of his arms, all at once relieved and aching. Fucking bastard.

    Shi De’s naked as the day he was born but Shu Yi’s over it. He’s not doing even one more thing for that prick tonight; he can freeze to death for all Shu Yi gives a shit. He leaves him there to replace the gun in the safe and while he’s in his room, Shu Yi changes into loungewear. He spots a pair of sweatpants that he knows would fit Shi De the best out of anything else Shu Yi owns, but he shoves them deep into the drawer and slams it. He looks into the mirror above the dresser, sees himself reflected there with brows furrowed and lips coiled into a small, aggravated bud, and he sneers before spinning around for his bathroom.

    He locks the bedroom door and even then his head is pounding so badly that Shu Yi couldn’t possibly sleep. With painkillers in hand, two in the morning finds Shu Yi in the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water. Despite himself, he dares a glance into the living room where Gao Shi De is asleep like the dead, the same as he’s already been for hours. He’s never snored, and if not for the light rise and fall of his bare chest, Shu Yi might think he really is dead. He snorts at the thought even as it makes his headache worsen. He shakes his head on his way to turning back for the bedroom, but as he swallows the medicine another glance at Shi De gives Shu Yi pause. He rolls his closed eyes to the ceiling, free hand an annoyed fist at his side, but goes to dig out a spare blanket from his room anyway.

    Shu Yi’s fingers hesitate as they come across the one he’s had since late in high school, a blanket he’d saved because it was softer than anything he owns despite having been a relatively inexpensive gift of many from Jiang Yu Xin. He doesn’t admit it often even to himself, but it had also been the blanket Shu Yi kept on his bed for the longest time and was the one Shi De had used on several occasions. If not for it having been a gift from Yu Xin, its ties to Shi De should’ve been enough for Shu Yi to burn the damn thing. He sets the blanket aside for another that has far fewer memories and returns to the living room to drape it over Shi De’s sleeping form.

    Looking at him now, face unperturbed and young in sleep, Shu Yi might think… He recalls suddenly this same face hovering above him as its owner, weeping brokenly, had pinned Shu Yi’s stark protests to the sofa.

    Shu Yi drops the hand that had drawn across Shi De’s temple. Even after less than a second of contact, his fingertips may as well be scorched with the way they tingle. In another context that feels more like another life, Gao Shi De had held Shu Yi’s hands over his head and kissed him until their chests burned for air, but he’d always worn a smile, fond and teasing.

    Wherever his thoughts had been tonight, Shi De hadn’t come from a place of anything gentle, but desperation and heartbreak. Shu Yi could feel it, even after so long apart.

Do you know you’re blessed? Do you know you’ve always been protected?

    Shu Yi quietly clears his throat and looks away from Shi De’s face. What had he wanted to tell him, and why did it seem so difficult to tell?

    “You asshole, Gao Shi De,” Shu Yi says quietly, without heat. “You…” To Shu Yi’s surprise, Shi De mumbles something in return that he isn’t able to make out. “What? Finally feel like explaining yourself?” Shu Yi mutters sarcastically.

    “States,” has Shu Yi leaning down just slightly. “I shouldn’t’ve gone, shouldn’t’ve promised. Shu Yi.” He doesn’t go on, breaths evening out as he drifts again, and Shu Yi sighs. He can always interrogate Gao Shi De tomorrow about all this if he so chooses, even though the idea that Shi De will remember tonight in detail is mortifying.

    Shu Yi shakes his head and wanders off in return for the bedroom, every step away from Shi De a relief yet somehow and simultaneously a needle prodded into the pin-cushion that’s become Shu Yi’s heart these days.

    “Asshole,” he repeats once he’s alone in his room.

    He doesn’t sleep well, to no one’s astonishment, and is awake at six to prepare for the work he’d missed out on completing because of the tornado Shi De had caused last night. As much as he’d like to discuss everything, he’s more behind than he’d been before and although contracts can’t wait, the past certainly can. He works in the office adjacent to the living room, ears picking up the sound of Shi De’s waking movements in the otherwise silent house.

    He shoves his hands into his pockets, a likely transparent attempt at nonchalance, as he walks out to meet him. “There’s toiletries in the bathroom,” he informs Gao Shi De. “Clean yourself up and get out of here.” He tries not to show any reaction when Shi De grimaces upon shifting his lower half, a clear indicator that Shu Yi’s knee had left an impression.

    “I…” Shi De adjusts to better see Shu Yi. The blanket is covering him from stomach down over his legs, which reminds Shu Yi that he’s either got to throw the whole blanket out or wash it with powerful bleach to erase any hint of the man who’d slept beneath it. “I — Last night, we…” Gao Shi De has the audacity to move a finger from his chest to Shu Yi’s with eyebrows raised, like he’s embarrassed to hear the answer, “Did we…?”

    “Don’t you remember what happened?” Shu Yi demands, incredulous. He hadn’t wanted Gao Shi De to remember, sort of, but now that it appears he really has no memory of the night, it’s outrageous. Drunk or not, how could he possibly forget what he’d done? But Shi De looks away, and Shu Yi can’t help as his eyes soften from dismay into something resembling hurt, mouth falling open.

    The dinging from the front entrance and his father’s echoing, “Shu Yi!” interrupt any further conversation. “Daddy’s home!” he trills, shopping bags decorating his arms.

    Shu Yi stares at him, unamused. “Dad,” he begins, but pauses when his father’s eyes catch Gao Shi De and his casual smile promptly drops into an expression of bewilderment.

    “Gao Shi De!” he exclaims in a hoarse voice. The subject hesitantly lifts his face from where he’d hidden it behind his palm. “What are you doing here? You broke your promise!” Shu Yi’s eyes widen slightly at the word, the same that Gao Shi De had mumbled the night before. His father gestures at Shi De’s naked figure and then to Shu Yi, scandalised, “What did you do to my son?”

    At Shi De’s pointed look, Shu Yi interjects, “Do you two know each other?” His father denies it with a smile, of course, but Shi De just averts his eyes. Those contracts are going to have to wait a while longer. “What promise?” Shu Yi demands. The men share a glance and avoid Shu Yi’s gaze. He glares at them both.