I really yearned for one for quite some time and I am fighting for his health.

But man.

What a regret.

And what a chance to grow.

I don't want to rule over his life.

Tell him how to behave at all times.

I need to become so much better for him.

They say the prison system is meant as a Time out to reflect on behavior, develop skill and change future actions that can be better integrated into society after release.

To me it's an attempt of a manifestation that is more a symbol than actual transformation and alchemy.

There is heavy judgement around those who had to go to prison, who are known to have committed a wrongdoing.

And even though we all make errors and mistakes on a daily basis, only some come with the expectation of exclusion, almost a mental quarantine- well that's more psychiatry.

So what is prison then?

I observe a lot of people do everything in their might to not go to prison. Sometimes doing even more horrible things by my standards than those that succumb and surrender to their judgement.

Judgement Day.

I know I judge a lot.

Also myself.

And I also try to escape from it.

Today I'm trying to face what I have sensed and felt for a long time.

I am afraid of being known in my wrongdoings. Being seen.

Actually being seen.

Because to act means that depending on the foundation, something can always be seen as harmful to something else. Because it's about prioritizing values.

If I live in a system that values money higher than human lives, then yes committing tax frau will be more frowned upon, rather than rape. Because how is rape effecting tax fraud?

And when we live by those values, because we make the choice to go to work and feed the money machinery, then yes, it may not matter if you or your friend, or your parent or your sibling will be raped to you, unless you are being payed for it and pay taxes. I'm probably phrasing that wrong (how ironic), but you might get the gist.

We make the choice to give in to the system over our family and friends.

And we tell ourselves it's for our family and friends.

So they can survive.

So we can survive.

Im the system.

That chooses taxes over human lives.

Taxes that are meant to save human lives.

We are told.

We tell ourselves.

For health care (depending where we live)

To get easier to our jobs -public transport, smooth roads, accessible pathways free from snow, nature bend to our will and expectations (depending on where we live)

So we can take care of our children (by giving them to other people to raise and teach them the RigHT wAy), whether we would have the capacity and willingness to take on that responsibility ourselves.

Choices being molded for us.

A B or C

Choose the wrong path enough times and you'll end in mental hospital, prison or any other Facility of Societal Exile.

How do we grow as characters in such a system though?

Or is it more about maintainance?

Staying in the ever same energetic field?

Always someone to fill the place in the Land of the Outcast and some people escaping it by excelling through deception and connection of decicive power.

Bringing the ugly to light and connecting with it, while not choosing it, that is what is something worth living for to me.

When local jobs are not considering mental and physical health, family life, pets' needs, when structures raise demands in productivity and trade it for impatience, lack of understanding of genuine learning growth and the mistakes necessarily to be made for that to be possible and when time management prioritizes forcefully fulfilled expectations over sympathetic loss, people will hit a breaking point and choose alternatives. And home office will only be the beginning. People are finding their kindred spirits that live miles away.

And should we not relocate into physical vicinity, who is to wonder why our lives are more and more tied to the technological world?

For those who would prefer staying in touch with the world around us - how can we hold a space that withstands discomfort enough to welcome people in - instead of production machines.

I would love to experiment. Allow myself the space for error and discovery.

Yet who am I to say, that using recourses is my given right, when I don't know that what I would do could birth something much more useful... shaped by other hands than my own?

All those artists I give my attention to, the creators, whom I admire - would they become so big in my own impression, if they wouldn't be seen?

Would Mozart have been a wonder child or soley an annoying brat, if he was asked to work on a field?

And then again, would there ever be discovery, if everyone took a step back and gave the limelight to someone else?

If we bowed down to the limited expectations of everything someone else has already lived through - would there be a point. Or an edge?

Is it too much thinking on my part, the "source of all failed experiments" - too much doubt and too little will.

Right now, in these times everyone wants. I want. The wont in me is screaming. But I feel I don't deserve, because I sense the imbalances.

Most of my haves turn into guilt, a looming threat of unheard judgement and the doubt of not making use of the recourses handed to me.

Yet how to become wise without digging hands into dirt and learning from heartshattering lessons?

What.do.I.really Really.REALLy.want?

What am I afraid to lose?

To work with children means to work with environmental patterns.

Since those patterns are directed by differently played out priority of value sets, one is bound to confront them one way or another.

To therefore believe, it was possible to face such environments unbiased is unrealistic as fuck - to change tone.

And everything build on that believe is a crumbling delusion and pure denial in my view.

To expect humans to act as fundamentally inhumane in a social setting is stupendous.

Provoked into what?

Emotions?!

That establish connection and trust?!

And drop the "professional" fassade, the mask in a game of pretense:

Who can keep it on the longest?

- You. You won, honey -

but can't you see what you lose?

Is it because the emotions give away that actions and feelings are misaligned?!

And you play the game until someone tells you to stop - only no one ever will, as long as it benefits the gamemaster.

Yet one day the patienceof those that are not sucked into this play runs out and connection breaks, sympathy burns.

My hand is withdrawing.

And maybe I will see that it's for the better.

★*★*★*

Oh the fear of being touched in one's own wound.

I get that it's dangerous.

To be seen for our current state of being,

instead of the shape we want to see ourselves in

(which certainly might be a fun game for a short while).

I miss my true reflection.

I miss well-meaning honesty and feedback.

But that's not the game you want to play,