I have loved the image I projected vigorously and lost it as I could not stand it anymore.

Yet, still it lingers in between any relationship.

I have loved you so deeply.

But maybe I haven't, if I could not let you go.

And now I am endeared from all sides and struggle enduring what I believe to not deserve.

Will there ever be a balance?

Is there a point when I can stop saying sorry and feeling guilty for all the hurt I have caused?

I will bear it, when the answer is 'No'.

I just want to know, that the damage done was possible to recover from..?

I am so tired and confused of the entanglement of this earthly plane.

How can I spiral upward? I do want to know.

I cannot relate anymore to the environment that I am trying to go back to.

I am in an intense age gap relationship that I never wanted to be in, but I chose to stay, because everything else I knew seemed equally bad or worse. It's embarrassing. I cannot look anyone in the eye while we walk hand in hand. I am deeply ashamed. And I feel guilty for feeling ashamed because this man is at least good enough to not turn me away.

Sounds awful?

Well I had people turn me away and still use me for sex.

Even though I got away with not giving him any this past 4 months.

He loves and hates me.

And I made myself dependent on him.

My fear of consequences makes me stay.

Will I be homeless when I leave with my pup?

Will he find me?

He did say he works with mafia and killed someone in his country.

Did he say he killed a pedocriminal because he knows that makes it more digestible for me, despite it still being horrendous.?

My naivety is making me gullible and vulnerable.

How to live with basically protecting someone that killed a human being, while absolutely being unwilling to risk him losing his life.

"AH, you don't respect yourself enough"

- FUCK OFF!

I am trying to respect my standards

~ admittedly, while questioning my own standards.

Is life more honorable than living and risking life for ones values?

That's the question at stake.

And it's mine to answer.

From very early on.

Having to hit milestones in childhood - I remember how upselt my parents got, that I didn't crawl, barely wanted to walk.

That I cried too much and wouldn't stop.

The pressure to write my name, to hold a pen properly. To eat more than my favorite meal over and over again.

Behaving in elementary school, integrating finally. When will she ever make friends?

She has to learn how to calculate, to write properly.

Each year in school was stress that would never ever stop.

The ever evolving standards to live up to.

It didn't change with the autism diagnosis after almost a decade of misjudged 'support' that looked more like further destruction.

I am exhausted of existence.

Afraid of stepping outside of culture offered to me.

Sure, I could go radical, just enter homelessness, except weather conditions, bugs and whatever nature does to a human that does not fit in anymore.

But even that does not sound appealing..

I know I operate within the will of a larger crowd.

My will has not been strong enough to draw others in to lay out another version of reality to buy into.

I really yearned for one for quite some time and I am fighting for his health.

But man.

What a regret.

And what a chance to grow.

I don't want to rule over his life.

Tell him how to behave at all times.

I need to become so much better for him.

I could stay here for a while.

Growing through conflict. Sometimes escalating, other times bonding more deeply.

I could move on. Find stable work. Study. Learn a craft or two.

I would love to travel, become more flexible. I seem stuck.

Where's my connection into the world?

Don't I want to live many lives.

I miss the comfort of a cuddly blanket and a laundry dryer.

And I fear being stuck in routine again. Of sold normality, which is is not mine, feels like a Truman Show presence.

Making myself dependent on him in the silliest way.

The past year has almost made me give up on all my dreams, genuinely had me thinking this is it. I'll not get out of this again. I found more hope with the new sunrays.

I believe I can make my way out of this.

There's an everyday reminder to keep me on track. Staying for the good moments is not worth it anymore. But damn crawling my way out of this entanglement is a challenge that is not just emotional, but also bureaucratic at this point.

I'll make it. I know there will be different times. One day at a time.

I want to look back and this and give myself a long forgiving hug for having stayed too long.

*****

Is there a "too long" when it's me in my mind who is making up all the rules for when and how I can leave?

Isn't it also me who is pulling myself back in for half a dream? Didn't I want to live in a place like this and am now scared to lose it? Am I not making it hard on myself too, by bartering for a better outcome?

Isn't it the platitudic fear of the unknown that holds me back, "because what if I will never get to live in a place like this again?", "what if my pet is staying with him and I'm all alone", "what if I'll go bwck into safety and will be unhappy as I was before - I know I am not happy now neither. It is I who has to come to terms with dissatisfaction and stand up for what I believe to be my right". But then there's the power dynamic that is truly hard to get out of understanding this dimension. That realistically puts me in a vulnerable position.

I need to grow my vines beyond the lense I am viewing the world through now. I need to change values to broaden my foothold on our battle field.