Because my mouth is a ceaseless attention junkie, I am going in on Tuesday to have a root canal done on the molar that gave me so much sass last year. Aside from my lizard brain yelling OH GOD WE’RE GONNA DIE GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GETITOUT every time I’m two minutes late on the Aleve, I’m doing fine. I am, however, chipmunk-cheeked on my left side pretty dramatically.

Megan is, as always, the Best Sister, and helped me manage something resembling breakfast, offered to get me sick day food, etc. I thanked her but when I offered to let her plap my cheeks to feel the difference, she recoiled in absolute horror.

I thought it was odd, but I’m certainly not one to judge bad stims, so I didn’t push it. She checked on me again a few minutes later...

Me: I’m mainly worried about biting the inside of my cheek. Swelling sucks, but at least it’s protective.

Megan: But it’s bad for you.

Me: People think that, but it actually provides cushioning to keep an injury from getting worse, and I’m pretty sure increases blood flow to help healing.

Megan: What about the pus, though?

Me: The abscess is in my tooth, there’s probably some pus there.

Megan: No, in your cheek!

Me:

Me: w h a t

Megan: Your cheek is full of pus! That’s what swelling is!

Me: WHAT. GOD. NO. JESUS. GOD. THIS IS EXPANDED TISSUE.

Megan: No, your cheek is full of...wait, is this why when I had my abscess as a kid and I stuck a pin in there to get it out I couldn’t?

Me: (literally covering my mouth in abject horror)

Megan: Damn, I really got in there. That explains it. Are you sure though? That sounds so fake.

Me: YES

Megan: That’s why I felt bad for you, the dentist was gonna have to get all that pus out of your head

Me: JESUS MEGAN I WOULD BE DEAD (after a quick show on my phone of what swelling is/does) Jesus Megan how did you live with that horrible idea for so long?

Megan: I didn’t have a choice! Marine snow is horrifying too but I have to carry that around with me!

tl;dr Mom was a good homeschool teacher but this is what happens when your curriculum is fundie bullshit that praises DDT and global warming