My nightmares breed nightmares
Aye aye my sailors, my question to you today is- do you remember your first nightmare? Something that terrified you, made you realise that there's things in the world that are not just disgusting but things that you physically can't handle?
My mom said that in the womb I would never move or kick. [Low-key, as a baby too I knew laziness was important to me] Except for a moment where she shrieked out of fear. My dad was trying to surprise her by reaching home earlier than expected but ended up with a bruise in the stomach cause she thought he was trying to rob the house. Lol. My point being my mom says, every time she's scared, I've been scared. Whether I was in the womb, bassinet, school or in a torn down home. It is a love hate relationship she has with my fears. She loves that I love her instinctually but feels responsible for negative feelings. Because what she feels, I feel.
Recently we've been fighting a lot because my negative feelings bleed into anger. The only person I can be angry around is her. Whether I get fatter, loose more hair, have a fight with a friend or get bullied. She bears the burden with me. When I'm sad, when I snap and when I scream; she deals with me. Now she feels what I feel.
I can't handle that. Her feeling guilty because of me. Her bearing the brunt of my emotions. It makes me angry and scared. Everyday I wake up, live with the idea that my nightmare breeds nightmares.