SHAMELESS

Aye aye sailors,

The more I think about it, the more befitting 'nightmares' feel. It's not like I don't have dreams. I do. Recently I met this girl- funny, smart and tall. Oh boy is she tall. Hurts my neck to look up to her 😂 The dreamy part about her is that it seems like we're friends now. She and 3 other girls. I don't really want to say what I feel to be honest, in the fear that I'll jinx it. For a while now I lived with the idea that no one except my boyfriend would want to be in my life. I can't jinx it. 🤞🏾

Despite them, despite him, despite my hopes. I can't help think of the weeks I've spent on my bed sleeping away a migraine. The numerous doctors visits. The eyesight I'm slowly loosing. The weight I'm gaining. The memories I'm missing. I think about how my nightmares will engulf my dreams; every single night, every single day, every single moment.

Aye aye my sailors, my question to you today is- do you remember your first nightmare? Something that terrified you, made you realise that there's things in the world that are not just disgusting but things that you physically can't handle?

My mom said that in the womb I would never move or kick. [Low-key, as a baby too I knew laziness was important to me] Except for a moment where she shrieked out of fear. My dad was trying to surprise her by reaching home earlier than expected but ended up with a bruise in the stomach cause she thought he was trying to rob the house. Lol. My point being my mom says, every time she's scared, I've been scared. Whether I was in the womb, bassinet, school or in a torn down home. It is a love hate relationship she has with my fears. She loves that I love her instinctually but feels responsible for negative feelings. Because what she feels, I feel.

Recently we've been fighting a lot because my negative feelings bleed into anger. The only person I can be angry around is her. Whether I get fatter, loose more hair, have a fight with a friend or get bullied. She bears the burden with me. When I'm sad, when I snap and when I scream; she deals with me. Now she feels what I feel.

You might ask me, pirate? Of nightmares? What the fuck you mean?

Let me ask you do you know what a pirate is?

Here's enlightenment-

They rob ships at sea, keep the loot, make it theirs. I rob you of your nightmare, keep them, repeat them until it's mine. I have nightmares that haunt me everyday, not just any but every nightmare. If you have it, I've had it. I sail the vast ocean of my thoughts and return collect thousands and thousands of terrors.

Hey maybe painting over my life would be easier?