#shaishinx

The first time Keith sees it, it breaks his heart.

He's watching a familiar sun set along a familiar horizon and he's wearing a familiar uniform... For a moment he thinks maybe it's a vision of the past, but then he realizes he's sitting on top of the black lion, his new companion—the space wolf—by his side, and he feels a lump in his throat at the idea. He's home.

He's home and he doesn't look much older than he currently is.

Not much longer... Keith allows himself to hope.

From his current point of view, this ghost in memories yet to come—an outer body experience he’s learned to love and hate at the same time—present Keith watches himself stare out at the same desert he’d stared out at a thousand previous times, but now it held a completely new meaning. Future him looks content, and Keith wonders if they’d won the war against the Galra. If they’d done what they sought out to do and saved Earth. Is he working at the Garrison now?

He took a seat on the other side of the wolf, the side that Future Keith wasn’t occupying, and he thought for a moment that the pup had acknowledged him, but before his mind could linger on how that couldn’t have been possible he hears Lance’s voice. Lance.

Lance had showed up in a couple of the space-time visions so far. Small scenes of irrelevance.

The smug way Lance carried himself no longer irritated Keith like they seemed to do in these alien flashbacks. Keith was growing more and more fond of all of his teammates the longer he stayed on this space whale, but he had come to learn just how much Lance had left an impact. Keith knew that growing up, surviving had been less of a necessity and more of a ‘fuck you’ to all the people that wanted to see him fail. He hadn’t cared about school, or himself, or the people around him. It wasn’t until he met Shiro that those destructive thoughts really started to shift... but even then Keith wanted to be better for Shiro because the man deserved that. He wasn’t really doing it for himself. Finding his passion at the Garrison was just a bonus.

Lance, however, pushed him in ways that no one ever did before. He pushed and pushed and challenged and challenged, and before any one really knew what was happening, they were bettering each other. Out on the battlefield, Lance was the first person he could rely on. If not solely because the loud-mouthed teen wouldn’t have been able to live down failing to his “rival”, but because they’d tested each other so much that they knew each other’s strengths and weaknesses only too well. And now here the tall boy was... and he was wearing... wearing...

What the fuck is he wearing?

As soon as present him thought the words, future him took the liberty of voicing them aloud. It was... a date... Lance had said. A date with Allura.

Future Keith was unfazed by this information. He was too comfortable really, considering present him thought he could hear something cracking, thought he could feel a knife being plummeted into his chest. However, when he looked down and saw no injury, he became frustratingly too aware that the blade was metaphorical. And when he looked back up at Lance, their future conversation now muffled background noise to the deafening way his heart shattered, he realized that somewhere along this stupid, crazy journey, he had given Lance that weapon to destroy him.

—

Keith gasped for air, sitting up from his make shift bed on the cave ground.

Krolia wasn’t around, probably hunting for breakfast.

He rubbed at his chest and blinked at his lap, replaying the images and words in his mind over and over again.

He... liked Lance. Maybe, loved Lance? If the way he ached was any indication.

He’d never really given it thought before. It just wasn’t on his list of priorities with this war going on, but now... well, now it was all that he could think about. Did Lance and Allura get closer in his absence? What are they doing now? Was his found family moving on without him? Was this the price he was paying for leaving? It’s been seven months so far... maybe the team already won the war. Maybe they didn’t need him after all. Maybe Lance doesn’t need him after all.

When did he start needing Lance?

Keith’s face fell into his hands and he tried to quell his restless thoughts. He tried to stop all the hurting. Not just from Lance, but from everyone. He missed them. He missed them so much that he thought the flames of his regret and his yearning—this inner hell of turmoil he began to fall into—might actually burn him alive.

::

“I don’t regret being with her.” Lance started speaking in this next vision before Keith knew he was there. Future Keith’s hair was pulled back in a low ponytail, signifying time had passed in its length, and he had stopped washing the dishes to turn around and look at the blue eyed boy—no, man. He turned to look at the man sitting at the dining room table behind him.

Lance was holding a mug of something hot in his hands, but not drinking from it, as if soaking up the heat into his cold lifeless body. Because that’s what Lance looked like... devoid of his usual life. His eyes were less, his skin was less, he... was less.

Present Keith ignored, for now, the Altean marks under this Lance’s eyes to listen harder to the conversation. He must have been talking about Allura. Which means they had broken up some how, in some way. Is that what had made Lance less Lance? Is that why he looked as if pain was something foreign to him now, but “numb” was something he was all too fluent in? Both present and future Keith’s ached, but stayed silent as Lance continued his absentminded musings.

“I’m happy that I was able to be with her because I think I would have regretted not doing it. I would have regretted not asking her out, or not knowing... and I think that would have been worse... in the end.”

Future Keith sat in the empty chair besides this empty Lance.

“I think she loved me, and I know that I loved her, but I don’t think that it was the right kind of love.”

“Lance...” Future Keith began.

“I just mean,” Lance carried on, moving his gaze from the wall to his mug as if it had answers, “I couldn’t be what she needed.

“But you were what she needed,” Future Keith cut in. “Allura was so focused on everything else. She was focused on every one else besides herself. She didn’t give herself the chance to take a break or know what happiness even was, and she wouldn’t have if you hadn’t stepped in.” He laid his hand atop Lance’s urging him to stop fiddling his thumb against the mug’s ceramic. “I’m not saying that you guys would have worked out—“ Lance threw him a glare, “what?” Keith asked sheepishly.

Lance rolled his eyes before sighing, “No, you’re right. I don’t think we would have. But that’s what I mean. I couldn’t be what she needed. I’m no Lotor. I’m not this suave and collected, perfect specimen of a man...” Present Keith furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, clearly missing something. “...you know, despite all the evil shit he did. I’m not strong enough to rule a people like him, or her. I mean, look at me now, Keith. She wouldn’t have wanted this for herself, this farm.” Lance lifted an arm to gesture, almost violently, towards the window. Present Keith looked out at the view, feeling more and more confused the more the vision went on.

“First of all, you’ve been preaching suave and perfection since the moment I met you.” Future Keith said with a slight smile, a hint of joke under there somewhere.

“And she hated that.” Lance scoffed lightly.

“Second of all,” Keith ignored, “this farm was a good decision for you after everything that happened. No one blames you for wanting to take a step back from all of it. No one faults you for turning down the teaching offer at the Garrison. Everyone took a step back.”

“You didn’t.” Lance countered. His eyes were piercing. “You went straight into politics with the Galra, and aided in the relief effort.”

“Lance, you make it sound like you didn’t help me with all of that.” Keith pursed his lips. “You make it sound like you’re sitting here doing nothing while the rest of us are changing lives.”

“I’m running a farm, Keith.”

“A farm that supplied me with food to give to all of those families. A farm that supplies Hunk with fruits and vegetables that are normally grown in different parts of the universe, but with Pidge’s evil genius mind, was able to help you find a way to grow them right here. On your farm. You’ve given a lot of people who have lost their entire world some normalcy on Earth. You’ve given them familiarity on a planet that isn’t their own. That’s amazing. The Altean flowers you have blooming here have become a symbol of hope for every man, woman, and child. What you’re doing here is important. You are important and you have always been important, Lance. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

Lance offered a small smirk, “maybe a few times more.”

“I’m beginning to feel like you just like hearing me try to convince you.”

“It’s a good boost to my ego.”

They smiled at each other in the silence, and only then did Keith realize his hand was still on Lance’s. He moved it away slowly, hiding it in a stretch that he’d faked so as to not seem so obvious that his heart was now pounding in his ears. Present Keith could hear it though.

“I don’t regret being with her. “Lance started again, looking back through the window and reiterating his earlier point. “I don’t think know if we would have worked out now that I really think about it. I just wanted to be there for her and be what made her happy. I think you’re right that she would have carried on being angry and thinking that everything was on her shoulders and her shoulders alone. I’m happy that I was able to be there for her to lean on. I’m happy that I was able to give her something before she gave us everything. She only knew pain from the moment she woke up with us, you know? And I wanted to take that away from her. She was so strong, Keith. I wanted to be that strong. I wanted to be her strength.”

Lance took a sip from his mug as a brief pause of thought passed between them.

Present Keith thought the vision might end right there, but just as it began to blur out he heard his future self say, “You’re a lot stronger than you think you are.”

::

It’d been a while since he had any visions. The ones that really mattered to Keith any way. Keith didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing considering how many questions he now had that were killing him repeatedly day in and day out. He filled most of his days with training, which really wasn’t unusual for him, but even Krolia could see that he was working himself up too hard and too quickly. He’d pull a muscle before too long, or at least injure himself in some shape or form.