#shadow work challenge

A year ago, in February, I was fresh out of university, fresh out of a relationship, feeling lost in the world and disconnected from myself. In need of a path back to myself I devised a challenge, much like something I would now call shadow work.

Here are the questions I asked myself throughout the month of February 2020:

What are my current biggest problems?

What do I already do well?

What things in my life make me feel good and fulfilled?

What do I expect from a romantic relationship?

What would I really want to know that would improve my life?

What do I expect of therapy?

How does laziness affect my job?

What kind of people do I not trust?

Is my sense of self worth dependent on my productivity?

Why am I so interested in sexuality?

What kind of people inspire me?

What have I found out during this challenge already?

What about this challenge is the most difficult for me?

What are all the feelings I have towards my mother?

What are all the feelings I have towards my father?

What is in my power to improve my life?

In what ways do I relax? Do these ways of relaxing actually help?

How can I personally contribute to this world?

Revisited question: What do I expect of a romantic relationship? How do I picture my ideal partner?

Revisited question: What are my current biggest problems?

What is my relationship to the feeling of envy?

What changes am I going through in this time?

What is my goal for this year? Looking back at the end of the year, what would make me say – wow, I'm really proud of myself and my progress?

My strategy was successful and I learned a lot, as well as set a good course for the whole year ahead. In all likelihood I will revisit some of these questions now but since I have achieved a firmer grasp on the concept of shadow work, I know that some things need to be done differently.

I’m excited to walk this path again.

What have I been avoiding the most recently?

What is my relationship to the feeling of anger?

How honest am I with others in my life?

What behaviours are triggering for me?

How does pride affect my life?

Is my sense of self worth related to how needed and useful I am?

What are my values and why do I value them?

In what ways do I go against my values?

Which people (real and fictional) do I dislike and why?

What are my positive traits?

What are my negative traits?

What is proving difficult during this challenge?

Why is spirituality important for me?

What do I expect of friendships?

How do I feel when someone is angry at me?

What are my current biggest struggles in life?

What do I fear the most?

What do I like about my life?

What things am I bitter about?

What things trigger the feeling of guilt in me?

Join me in a Shadow Work Challenge

February 1 is the day of Imbolc – the festival associated with Brigid whose domain is poetry, smithing, and healing. On this day, I will start a healing journey of intense shadow work on my blog.

The challenge will take a month. My strategy is to come up with three questions at once, answer each of them during the following three days, take one day of rest during which I come up with another set of three questions, and repeat this process until the end of February.

I chose this strategy to avoid getting overwhelmed with the task of coming up with 28 questions at once and with the task of doing something time-consuming and emotionally charged every day.

I will announce the questions on my blog, however, if you choose to participate, feel free to come up with your own questions that are relevant to you. I will also post my answers publicly but it is a-ok if you choose to follow the challenge in private.

Day 7 Shadow Work: Culture

I believe a person’s culture is largely shaped by their home life… and I’ve shared already that mine was full of conflict and discord. It taught me resilience and to react quickly in order to obtain the most good (and avoid the most bad). Despite these positive skills, I also learned from my family how to use our trauma as manipulative devices. We hold our wounds like trophies and use it against others and for ourselves to push away… to excuse… to blame. As if this alone wasn’t bad enough, we also never resolve any of these old hurts because we are too busy holding them to us… very often we repeat the same mistakes again and again.

On a larger scale, my culture (white middle class American) has prized creativity and intelligence above all else. Life is what you make of it, there is nothing out of reach if you seek education, try your hardest, and get creative when necessary. While this is empowering as an overall message, it breeds a lot of self-hatred when we do fail. How could we fail when all we needed was to try hard and be creative? Obviously something is wrong with us as a human… never circumstance. Not only is this ideal impossible to live by in all cases, but there is a lot of privilege to be able to think this way and operate under those assumptions even most of the time.

Day 4 Shadow Work: Father

feat. @daughteroflancre’s beautiful MetaphOracle Deck ♡

There is a great deal of trauma and loss associated with my father. As I discussed previously in the shadow work post about childhood, he had always been prone to physical punishment but I believe it was mostly reasonable up until the time of his traumatic brain injury that caused the drastic shift in his personality. He gave me my love of music… being in an 80s hair metal band where the whole group of guys treated me like their tiny roadie. I learned drums from him and would often sit on his lap during band practice, or dance around the garage. We would spend hours fogged in a hairspray-clouded bathroom getting ready for a bar gig (BIG BIIIIG HAIR, my friends… and spandex). He is where I learned that a proper car doesn’t run with the radio off, and that it runs best when the rock n’ roll is LOUD! He taught me to fight… we would wrestle in the livingroom floor for fun and, when I got older, I would learn to defend myself by throwing a proper punch and learning key pressure points and ways to escape. It’s unfortunate that information did not help me as he became abusive later on…

He and mom had a lot of issues that went unaddressed. When he got sick, I think there was no way to ignore the issues anymore and that is what began the severe following years of fighting that would ultimately lead to their divorce. There was suspicion of infidelity on both sides, which led to controlling and psychologically abusive behavior.

I inherited my father’s temper and tendency towards yelling and physical lashing out. While I manage to keep it regulated most of the time, when it does surface it is most often aimed at my children. While they have never been (and WILL NEVER be) beaten as I was when I was little, just the tendency disgusts me. It makes me feel like utter shit that I could be capable of treating them the way I was treated as a child. It is something I hate deeply about myself. So… I seek help. It is something I have been doing and will continue to do. I will not damage my beautiful children the way I was damaged. The cycle will not continue.

What element of the father archtype might I benefit from considering? A lot of retrospective thought about by father has already been completed… to the point that, just as the cards said, it is beating a dead horse. The fact is, while I miss early memories with my father, he was abusive. He was sick and refused to get help… and it caused physical and psychological damage to myself, my mother, and my sisters. He has done nothing to earn his place back in my life, and so he is no longer my father in any respect but biology.

I got a bit ahead of myself… time to take the last 6 days of shadow work and synthesize them into actionable results.

Here is what I have learned about myself and my needs moving forward, in a nutshell: • I need to consistently break the pattern of unhealthy, self-destructive relationships in my life… beginning with learning to say “no” (i.e. my body is my own, my life is my own, I don’t owe people shit for anything) • I need to learn to prioritize and make time for what matters most. I owe it to myself and to the ones I love the most • I need to consistently recognize my internal voices and call out (or shut up) the ones that are unrealistic and abusive • I need to recognize and appreciate the good and bad in myself and in others. In reasonable doses, even the most severe flaws just make us deeply human… and there is nothing wrong with that (but also, highly destructive people can and will be removed from my life for my own health… and I need to know where that line is drawn) • I need to continue becoming more connected to my emotions and the meanings beneath them so that I can combat the tendency to be disconnected from myself and others. • I need to remember that I am capable of making important decisions that direct my life. I will not mess it up and ruin my life, that expectation is driven by an inner voice that lies. I will not lose those who mean the most to me… I cannot control others’ actions, but those who are meant to be in my life will continue to be.

Here is what I will do/create to further these insights: • Sigil- I can say no without feeling guilt. My body is my own, my life is my own. • Schedule- time for tarot, time for witchcraft, time for my family, time for my best friend, time for myself, time for school… not everything needs magic. I just need to schedule this stuff and stick to it. • Silencing my inner demons spell- something to name and call out those destructive inner voices so they no longer affect me. • Daily reflection- what is my best trait? What is my worst? How does/could my “bad” trait work to my advantage? What flaws do I see in others? How can I begin seeing the good in them? • Daily reflection- how am I feeling? What is the deeper meaning? Is there anything I need to change or look at differently? • Sigil- I am capable of directing my own success. I do not control others, but I do control myself. I direct the path of my own life for the better.