#sh:part2chapter1

As the night went on, everything still seemed normal between Thornton and Morgana. There was a difference, however, in Paul.

I wasn't sure if he was avoiding me necessarily, but it seemed like we'd barely spoken during the whole trip.

He spent most of the night chatting with Hollis and sipping on wine. At one point I swear I could feel his eyes on me, but still, he kept his distance. Maybe it was Jamie and Thornton he was watching.

At one point, he walked away from the dance floor. Emboldened by the glass of wine I'd had, I decided to follow him. He seemed sad. I wondered if it really did bother him coming face-to-face with two people he'd previously had feelings for.

"Hey, are you ok?" I asked, not completely prepared for whatever conversation might follow.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not. And if I can't lie to you and say I'm okay when I'm not, then you can't do that to me, either."

Paul sighed. "You're right. I'm not fine." he paused. "I walked in on Jamie and Thornton having sex in the bathroom earlier."

"Jesus. I guess things aren't what they seemed. after all." My heart was still sitting in my stomach, or at least that's what it felt like. "Are you upset because you still have feelings for one of them?" I asked tentatively.

"Definitely not. That's not what's bothering me."

"Then what is it?"

"It's just not fair. Thornton has this woman who loves him, and all he can think about is someone else. He's squandering his opportunity, and meanwhile, I can't even be with the person I want to be with." He clamped up suddenly, realizing he'd said too much. I knew then that he was talking about me.

My heart began to race. I thought about my conversation with Khadija, and how I acknowledged that I needed to talk to Paul about my feelings for him. And I thought about Lexie, and how I kept chickening out of sharing my feelings to the point that she had to make the first move.

"What if you're wrong?" I asked, my voice shaking slightly.

"John, please." He looked away. "I know you're trying to make me feel better, but you don't know what you're talking about."

"I think I do." This was it, the moment. I had to take it. I put my hand on his face and gently turned his face towards mine.

His eyes widened. "What are you doing?"

"I'm telling you that you're wrong. You do have a chance."

He put his hand on my arm. "With you? I have a chance with you?"

"Yes, that's what I'm saying. I have feelings for you, Paul."

"Are you sure?" He asked. Our faces were inches from one another's now. I could feel his breath on my mouth. "I don't want to do this unless you're sure this is what you want."

"Paul, I've never been more sure of anything in my life," I assured him.

"Me either."

"Then what are we waiting for?"

I cradled his head in my hands and pressed my lips to his. We melted into each other; it was like a weight had been lifted off of both of our shoulders the moment our lips met.

Continued on pillowfort (NSFW!)

When I woke up the next morning, Paul was still asleep, which was unusual. He was pretty much always awake before me. I guess I'd really worn him out, or at least that was what I liked to think.

Once he finally woke up, we took a bath together in the old timey bathtub. We still hadn't really talked about what would happen once we got back home, but I knew didn't want to leave things in an awkward spot.

Before we started getting ready to leave, we decided it was a good time to clear the air and address our expectations going forward. As we sat on the bed, Paul suddenly seemed a little nervous. I asked him if he was feeling apprehensive about anything.

"A little bit, yeah," he admitted shyly.

"What about?" I asked.

"Well, you definitely caught me off guard. In a good way I mean, but this is still all so unexpected. I mean, I thought you were straight."

"To be fair, so did I," I laughed.

"Really? Have you never had feelings for a guy before?"

"I guess looking back, I can think of some situations where I talked myself out of liking other guys," I confessed. "You know, I convinced myself I just wanted to be like them, stuff like that."

Paul nodded. "I understand that completely. I did the same thing myself, until it became too hard to ignore."

"Yeah, I get that. I'm just at a place now where I feel safe admitting how I really feel. And I didn't want to miss out on having a chance with you."

Paul blushed. "It's still so surreal hearing you say stuff like that. I've been crushing on you since the day we met on the mountain."

"Yeah, same. I thought I was just trying to compete with you that day, but I eventually realized that it was you I was trying to impress, not the girls."

"Well, it was kind of endearing how you needed my help," he teased.

"Thanks, I guess." We laughed.

"So," Paul began. "What happens when we get home? Do we start sharing a bedroom? Or do we stop living together? I've never been in this situation before."

"It's a bit of an unconventional way to start a relationship, but I'm an unconventional guy. You should probably get used to it," I joked, before taking a more serious tone. "But I say we just keep things the way they are and figure it out from there."

"Makes sense," Paul agreed. "I hate to even ask this, but you don't think you'll have any regrets about this, do you? It's a big thing to not only start a relationship with a friend, but to also come out of the closet and all that."

"I can't imagine I would have any regrets about this. Yeah, it's a big change but I know it'll be worth it." I slid off the edge of the bed and knelt in front of Paul on the floor. Taking his hand in mine, I continued, "I know I can't predict the future, but I feel confident that I won't break your heart, and that you won't break mine. You don't have to worry about that."

"Good," he responded as he pulled me in for a kiss.

10 Years Ago

The next morning, I was feeling kinda guilty about the discussion Paul had with Danica. I hadn't talked to him about it yet, but I hoped my interference hadn't affected their friendship.

Once I heard him stirring in his room, I decided to ask him about it.

"Hey, you're up early," Paul said. He was right; it was quite unusual for me to be awake before him, but I couldn't sleep much.

"Yeah, maybe you're rubbing off of me." Typical of me to break the tension with a joke.

"Maybe my cleanliness will rub off on you, too," Paul teased.

"Doubtful. Trust me, my parents already tried that. You'd better get used to me leaving dishes in the sink."

As lighthearted as our conversation was, we both knew we were avoiding the elephant in the room. I decided it was best to just address it.

"So, I take it you overheard my conversation with Danica," I said.

"I heard some of it," Paul admitted. "Mostly you telling her to let me live my life."

"Yeah, I guess I'm not really that much better when it comes to meddling in your business."

"No," Paul replied firmly. "You didn't say anything I didn't already know. My conversation with Danica was a long time coming. You might've given me the push, but it was bound to happen eventually."

"I'm glad to hear that. How did it go?"

"It was awkward at first, but I told her things had to change if we're going to continue our friendship. She has to trust me to make my own decisions."

"That sounds fair. How'd she take it?"

"She seemed genuinely remorseful. She acknowledged she has some anxiety issues she needs to address. I told her I need some space for a while, and she agreed to that."

"Sounds like it went as well as it could have."

"Yeah, hopefully she sticks with our agreement. I'd hate to end our friendship after all these years, but I'm prepared to maintain my boundaries."

"Wow, look at you being all mature," I smirk.

"Well, one of has to be! And I don't think it's going to be you."

"I'd argue with that, but you're right."

I walked away from the conversation feeling pretty good about everything.

What I didn't realize was Paul was trying to get over me, and hearing me defend him against Danica didn't exactly help him move on.

10 Years Ago

I might not have completely spiraled when I found out my mom was involved with Jimmy again, but that's not to say I wasn't affected by it.

I didn't talk to Paul about it--not right away, at least. Still, he could tell that something was bothering me.

"John, what's going on with you?" he finally asked after a few days of me moping around the apartment.

"Nothing," I lied.

Paul sat next to me on the couch. "You don't have to tell me what's wrong if you want to," he said. "But you don't have to lie and tell me nothing's wrong either."

"Fine," I relented. "Something's wrong, but I don't want to talk about." That was also a lie. I did want to talk about it, especially with Paul. There was just something in me that felt afraid about being so vulnerable with him.

"Okay." We sat in silence for a couple of minutes before I broke.

"It's just...I found out something upsetting about my mom," I began.

"What did you find out?"

"She got back together with her ex-husband. They were married when I was a kid, and he was...pretty cruel to me."

"God, John, I'm so sorry you went through that," Paul said softy. "And I'm sorry you have to deal with him getting back with your mom on top of all of that."

"Thank you. I haven't talked to her for a while because she didn't tell me he was out of prison and I saw him at her apartment. But I hoped she'd eventually cut him out and we could one day have a relationship again. Now, I can't see that happening."

"I can see why you'd be hesitant to trust her again. But maybe if you--"

"Paul, I'm going to stop you right there," I interrupted. "I'm sure whatever you're going to say if well meaning, but I'm not really looking for advice or platitudes."

"I understand," Paul replied sympathetically. "What can I do for you?"

It was a simple question with a simple answer, but my words were stuck in my throat. I knew what I wanted, but I felt weird asking my guy friend to physically comfort me.

Turns out I didn't need to. Once the tears started, Paul started rubbing my back. I didn't say anything else, and I tried not to think about how nice it felt to have his hands on me.

I couldn't quite place the emotion I was experiencing, but whatever it was felt like the opposite of what I felt when I was with Carina, or even Hollis, or Lacey. It was the missing piece that kept my experiences with them from turning into anything more.

10 Years Ago

The day Lexie and I met Cammie, we were hanging out outside of work on our lunch break. We liked to sit out there and people watch, making up stories about the lives of the people passing by. We considered it character work, good practice for whenever we'd finally make it onto the other side of the camera.

I spotted Cammie, dressed in a hot dog costume and singing about a local food stand. "C'mon down to Nate's! Where the dogs and fries taste great!" She sang and danced with reckless abandon, unbothered by how ridiculous she looked.

"Hey, look," I said to Lexie. "It's hot dog girl!"

Lexie crinkled her nose. "Hot dog girl? That sounds like some sort of internet meme that I shouldn't view in public."

"Not this time." I gestured in Cammie's direction. "It's just this girl who shills for Nate's Great Dogs N Fries. I wonder what life choices led to her dancing on a corner in a hot dog costume."

"Oh, I don't know," Lexie replied, seeming distracted. Normally she was all in on giving the people we saw new backstories, but this time she seemed hesitant.

"Maybe she's the mortal enemy of a guy with a hamburger stand," I offered. "Everyday she dresses in this costume just to taunt him. She probably doesn't even really work for Nate's." I started giggling at my own stupid story until I realized that I'd been spotted.

"Oh shit!" I exclaimed. "She sees us. I hope she doesn't think we're making fun of her."

"Well, you kinda are," Lexie pointed out. She glanced back at Cammie. "Maybe we could talk to her and smooth things over." I recognized the look in her eyes and realized why she didn't want to join in.

"Oh, you like her!"

"I do not. I don't even know her."

"So? You think she's hot. You've unlocked a new kink, and it's girls in weird costumes."

"You're so stupid."

"Hey, I'm not here to judge. In fact, let me help you out." I waved to Cammie, who stopped Blic-Bloc dancing and waved back enthusiastically.

"What are you doing?" Lexie asked, panicking slightly as Cammie jogged over to us.

"Don't worry, I've got this," I assured her. "Nice costume," I told Cammie.

"Thanks! Nate's is running a buy one dog, get one free promotion today if you're interested."

"Oh, sorry, we just had lunch. My friend here was just wondering where you got your costume." I nudged Lexie, who stood up to talk to Cammie.

"Uh, yeah," Lexie concurred. "We work for Sunny Side Productions, so we're always on the lookout for new costumes."

"Oh, cool! I love that channel! My ex-girlfriend got me into it."

I threw a look at Lexie.

"Your ex-girlfriend has good taste," Lexie said to Cammie.

Cammie laughed. "Well, sometimes. I have to get back to work before Nate catches me, but maybe you can stop by the stand later when you get hungry. I usually take a break around 4 if you'd like some company."

"Yeah, sure," Lexie agreed. She mouthed Thank you to me once Cammie looked away.

I hadn't anticipated setting my friend up with a girl in a hot dog costume when I woke up that morning, but sometimes life surprises you.

10 Years Ago

Once we got to my room, Hollis and I both immediately went to my bed and started making out. We both knew what this was, so no point in pretending otherwise.

I felt that twinge in my gut that I'd always had with Carina. The same one that left me feeling used and alone. I pushed it away, trying to convince myself to just enjoy the moment for what it was.

Hollis propped her arms up on my chest and grinned. "I knew I'd end up here eventually," she teased.

"Oh yeah?" I smiled back. "How's that?"

"You're just too cute. I knew I wouldn't be able to resist you for long."

"And what makes you think I wouldn't be able to resist you?" I asked playfully.

She sat up and straddled me. "I just had a feeling," she told me as she pulled her sweater up over her head.

We started getting undressed, pulling off each others' clothes until only a couple of pieces of flimsy fabric separated us. I reached for her bra, eager to remove another barrier.

"Not so fast," Hollis teased, locking her fingers in mine.

Seeing Hollis half dressed was surely a welcome distraction from what was simmering below the surface; but Hollis wasn't Carina, and that realization wouldn't escape my mind. With Carina I felt like a plaything she was just passing time with. I could've been anybody; in fact, she probably would've preferred that.

Hollis, on the other hand, was playful and enthusiastic. As much as I was attracted to her, as much as I wanted to let go and be free in the moment, I just wasn't that type of person--not anymore. There's nothing wrong with casual sex if you're someone who enjoys it, but that wasn't where my head was at the time.

I knew I had to stop this before we went too far.

"Hey," I said softly. "I don't think I can do this."

Hollis sat up abruptly. "Why not? Is it something I did?"

"No, no," I assured her. "I really like you, but I prefer waiting until I know people a little better to have sex. Besides, I'm not in the right headspace for this right now anyway."

"Yeah, I understand that. To be honest, I think I was using this as an excuse to not be emotionally vulnerable with you. I do that sometimes."

"Yeah, me too. Maybe we can get to know each other and see where things go?"

Hollis shook her head gently. "Sorry. I like you, too, but I'm not looking for a relationship now. Or maybe ever. We can be friends, though."

I felt a rush of relief wash through me. I was worried about hurting her feelings, but it seemed we were both just looking for an escape.

After we got that out of the way, it only seemed appropriate that we open up to each other about our complicated pasts. I told her about Jimmy and how my mom got back together with him, and she told me about the pressures of living up to her parents' impossible standards.

I got the sense she was still holding back a bit, but it was a good start to being more vulnerable.

10 Years Ago

After our night at Roy G. Biv’s, I still felt unsettled about everything. Paul, who was usually upbeat, had been in a bit of a sour mood. I was worried that it had something to do with me.

Obviously, I knew I should just talk to him about it, but I was dragging my feet. I’d really been trying to be more open about my feelings, but it seemed like every time I turned around, I had to have some awkward discussion with someone. 

I went out on the back porch for a smoke and decided to think through how I was going to approach the topic. I didn’t get very far before I heard the door open and saw Paul walking towards me.

“Hey, if I make a pizza, do you want some?” he asked me.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Okay, cool,” he replied. “Is everything alright?”

I started to tell him I was fine, but I figured I should take the opportunity to be honest. “Well, actually, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” I admitted.

“Sure, what’s wrong?” he asked as he sat down beside me.

“It’s just…ever since we hung out with your friends at the bar, I’ve been feeling awkward. It just seemed like you didn’t want me there or something, or maybe your friends didn’t.”

“No, that’s not the case at all,” Paul responded emphatically. “Everyone thinks you’re great. I think you’re great, and I’m sorry for making you think otherwise.”

“Okay, so what was going on then? I may be reading too much into it, but the vibes were definitely off.”

Paul sighed. “You’re right about that. I...kinda had a thing with Deshawn a couple of months back. I caught feelings and he didn’t. And now he has this new boyfriend and the whole thing is stirring up some emotions for me.”

“So what does all of that have to do with me?”

He shrugs. “Nothing. I’m just embarrassed. My friends know all about the situation with Deshawn, but I guess I just didn’t want you to see that side of me.”

“Well, first of all, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. And secondly, I wouldn’t judge you for that anyway. I mean, I’ve kind of been in that situation myself a couple of times.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. In fact, I don’t think anyone I’ve dated ever felt the same way about me that I did about them.”

“I have a hard time believing that.”

“I know, you’d think I’d have girls falling all over me, but some people just don’t recognize perfection when they see it.”

“Tragic.”

“For them, yes. But really, you don’t need Deshawn. I’m not just saying that because he personally insulted me either.”

Paul groaned. “I’m sorry about that. I should’ve told him to knock it off. He’s not a bad person, he’s just very insecure and overcompensates by being pompous.”

“He sounds terrific,” I quipped. ”It makes sense that he was intimidated by me, though.”

As uncomfortable as that whole situation was, it was really a turning point in my friendship with Paul. It opened the door for us to be more vulnerable with each other. Of course, there was way more at play then he was letting on, but it’s probably for the best that he kept some of that to himself--at least for the time being.

10 Years Ago

There are some moments that stick with you forever, and when you recall them later in life you remember exactly what you were doing.

This was one of those moments. I was watching TV--some trashy reality show was running a marathon that I somehow got sucked into--when my phone rang.

It was Trinity. I had texted her earlier to ask if she wanted one of the kittens that Taco had recently (don't worry, I got her fixed soon after).

"Hey, Trin," I answered. "Are you calling about the kitten?"

"Yeah, I totally want one!" she exclaimed. "I just need to make sure mom's okay with it. And, um, someone else, too."

I could sense a bit of nervousness in her voice. "What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well...I need to ask Dad. He kind of lives here now."

I felt a gnawing sensation in my stomach. My mind was racing. Why would Jimmy be living at my mom's apartment? Certainly after everything that happened she wouldn't be stupid enough to trust him again, or cruel enough to betray me like that.

"Trinity, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"Don't be mad, but Mom and my Dad kind of got back together."

My stomach was gurgling now. I was afraid I was going to vomit. It felt like ice was running through my veins, but I somehow felt too hot at the same time.

"Please tell me you're joking." My voice couldn't hide what was happening in my body; it was unsteady, shaking, along with the rest of me. I gripped my phone tighter, worried I would drop it with my quivering hands.

"I'm not, but it's not a big deal," Trinity replied with the naivety of a teenager who didn't understand that some things can't be swept under the rug. "He's changed, I promise!"

"I don't care if he changed." I didn't like the curt tone I was using with her, but anger was building in me, threatening to spill out of me like water from a boiling kettle. "He can save every orphan in the goddamn city for all I care. Mom never should have let him back in the house."

"Whatever. You'll see. Anyway, when can I get my kitten?"

"You can't. I'm not letting my cat in the house with your dad. There's no telling what he'll do."

"Johnny, that's so not fair! Why can't you just be happy for me? He's not going to do anything!"

"I'm sorry, but I changed my mind. I can't keep talking about this, but when your dad shows his true colors again, call me and I'll come get you."

I didn't wait for a response. I ended the call feeling restless, desperate to make the pain I was feeling go way.

Unsure of what to do, I texted a few people; my dads, my sisters, Paul. No one got back to me. They were all working, in class, or otherwise occupied. Frustrated, I found myself texting Stephen, Carina's dealer.

Soon I was on my way out the door, eager for a distraction.