#sh:cece

There’s not just one way to start a family, and no one knows that better than me and my husband Paul.

Paul’s upbringing was very traditional; a mom and a dad who had all 5 of their children the old fashioned way. His mom, Lucinda, stayed at home until the kids were older while Dad Lou, a lawyer, worked out of the home. 

My family situation was a little more atypical. You see, at the time me and my twin sister Chantal were conceived, my Pops (Solomon) was still in the closet trying to convince himself and the world that he was a straight man. Before my Mom could tell him about the pregnancy, she found out the truth and decided not to tell him about me and my sister. It was 13 long years before my Pops found out we existed. By then, he was married to my Dad David, who had a 15-year-old daughter of his own.

My sister Cece had her own unique upbringing. Dad and his close friend Amelia decided to have a child together. They were both out of the closet and unsure of a better pathway for them to each have children. It wasn’t as easy to become a parent as a gay person back then, and with them both being single and ready for parenthood, it seemed like the easiest solution. Now they’re both married to their respective partners and Cece has four loving parents in her life.

When Paul and I decided to have kids, we had a lot more options at our disposal. Still, two men having kids together isn’t a very straightforward path. We arrived at our own unconventional arrangement and we now have two beautiful daughters, Rachel and Chelsea. Like with Cece, their mom is involved in their lives and they have 3 parents looking out for them. This is the story of how our family came to be.

It was Father's Day and my sisters and I had plans to visit Dad and Pops at their house. I decided to get there early so I could talk to them about Paul. I didn't want to keep it a secret, and I also figured they would be the perfect people to talk to about navigating my newly discovered queerness. Still, I felt a bit nervous as I approached the door and made my way inside.

Dad and Pops were surprised to see me. "Hey Johnny! You know you weren't supposed to be here for another hour, right?" Pops asked. He and Dad were snuggled together on the couch, which made me feel a little better for some reason.

"Yeah, I hope it's okay that I'm early," I said, my voice shaking slightly. "I wanted to talk to you guys about something before everyone else gets here."

"What's wrong?" Dad questioned, sensing my nervousness.

"Nothing's wrong," I explained quickly. "It's just...oh my God, this is so stupid. Why am I nervous about this?"

"Johnny, just talk to us. Everything's going to be okay." Pops told me gently.

"You're right," I responded. "I'm seeing somebody."

"Oh, that's exciting! Tell us all about her," Dad coaxed.

"Well, actually, it's Paul."

"Paul? He's a nice young man," Pops replied. "He's funny like your Dad."

"Yeah, he's pretty great. I guess I was a little nervous telling you because I didn't want you to see me differently."

"Son, I don't know how to tell you this," Dad began, a smirk forming on his face. "But your Pops and I are gay. We're not going to judge you for having a same-sex relationship."

"Haha." I deadpanned. "I knew you wouldn't, but it's just that you've seen me as being a certain way, and now I've realized I'm not that person."

"We don't mean to undermine what a big deal this is," Dad said. "It's not just about your sexuality, but it involves your identity, too."

"Yeah, it's a significant change for you. But our love for you is unconditional. You don't have to be any certain way to earn our approval."

"I know. You guys are great. I'm really lucky to have you as my parents." I felt a lot better after talking things out with them. We talked some about how I was feeling, what labels I wanted to use (I decided to use the term "queer" for the time being), and of course, about Paul. I was glad they liked him, though I suppose it's hard not to.

Later, Chantal, Cece, and Ben arrived. Cece and Ben got them a rare version of their favorite record. It was a great gift; I almost felt bad considering Chantal and I were about to blow it out of the water with what we had planned.

"I can't help but notice neither of you came in with a bag," Cece teased.

"That's because our gift can't be put in one," Chantal explained.

"Yeah, it transcends anything tangible," I chimed in.

"Okay, this better be good for how much you're hyping it up," Dad laughed.

"It is!" I insisted. "So, Chantal and I have been thinking about how much you two mean to us, and we thought it was about time that we officially became Owens-Haims."

"Yeah, we both filled out the paperwork to legally change our last names!" added Chantal.

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Pops exclaimed.

"That means the world to us," Dad added, tears welling in his eyes.

"Okay, that was a pretty great gift," Cece relented.

It was such a good feeling to share the news with Dad and Pops, and to have my last name finally match my parents' last name. As we sat around their kitchen table laughing and reminiscing, I couldn't help but reflect on how far we'd all come.

Things hadn't always been easy, but it felt like things were finally falling into place for all of us. I knew that life wouldn't be perfect forever, but I also realized that even if something unexpected came our way, we'd meet it head on...and we'd do it together.

Previous | Beginning of story | Beginning of chapter |

It’s the day of my and Chantal’s birthday party and our dads are helping us set up. We kept it small, just family and close friends. Of course, Paul is coming, too; we’re not super close, but he does live here so it’s only fair to invite him. Plus with Lucy here he won’t feel too out of place.

Pops takes a look around the grounds. “I’ve got to say, I really enjoy it out here. It’s so peaceful. What do you say, David? Can’t you picture us living off the land?”

“Oh yeah, scooping up goat shit is what I’ve always dreamed of.” Dad smirks. 

“Dad wouldn’t last a day here!” Chantal laughs. 

“I guess we’ll stick to visiting, then,” Pops concedes. “Ah, here come Cece and Ben!”

“Happy birthday!” Cece calls out and she gives us both hugs. “How does it feel to be 20?”

“It’s awesome! I finally feel like a real adult!” Chantal replies. Even though we’re twins, sometimes I feel like Chantal is my older sister–technically she is, I guess, by a couple of minutes. She’s always been more put together, more mature, more goal-oriented.

Even though I’ve been doing a lot more planning for my future, a lot of the time I still feel like a kid cosplaying as a grownup. I keep waiting for the day everyone realizes I don’t actually know what I’m doing.

“Not me,” I say. “I still feel like I have a lot of growing up to do.”

“You do,” Dad responds.

“Gee, thanks.”

“I don’t mean it like that,” he laughs. “You don’t suddenly become an adult one day and have it all figured out.”

“You’ll learn and grow, and make mistakes, and learn some more,” Pops adds. “Just like we all will.”

“Well, at least I know I’m not the only one,” I say.

“So, Cece, have you and Ben picked a wedding date yet?” Chantal asks.

Cece groans. “Ugh, not yet. I don’t even know when I’ll have the time to plan anything. We’re going to be traveling so much with the band this year. I don’t want to be engaged forever, but we might have to wait until things slow down.”

“Well, I’ll help out however I can,” Chantal offers. “You know how much I love planning things.”

“Paul’s sister-in-law is an event planner,” I chime in. “Maybe you can hire her, or she can give you some information on vendors and stuff.”

“Thanks, guys,” Cece says. “I need all the help I can get. It’s just so overwhelming.”

“I told you, we don’t have to do anything big,” Ben tells her, rubbing her shoulder. “I don’t think you’d want that, anyway. As long as I get to be your husband, I’m cool with whatever.”

“I know, but I want to do something. Maybe we could have a small ceremony before we leave so we don’t have to put it off.”

“Sounds good to me!” Ben agrees. 

“What are you planning on doing about your last name?” Dad asks her. “You’re already double-barreled, so I’m assuming you won’t be taking on a third.”

“Well, I was planning on leaving it as it is. Ben doesn’t care if I take his and we won’t be having kids, so no need to worry about that.”

“That’s a good plan.” Dad sighs. “You know I support your decision to remain childfree, but it is a shame to think that my family name won’t be passed on.”

“I’m sorry, David,” Pops tells him. “I’m not really attached to my surname, but I know how important your heritage and your family are to you.”

“It’s okay. I have 3 beautiful children, a soon-to-be son-in-law, and a loving husband. I’m blessed no matter what their names are.”

I think about my own name. Like my Pops, I’ve never really felt attached to my last name. I was so young when my mom got married that I barely remember her being an Ayers. Besides, now that I'm no longer speaking to her, I feel even less connected to her side of the family.

Destiny and Trinity were both given their fathers’ surnames, and Chantal plans to change hers whenever she gets married. I guess I can pass the Ayers name down to my kids, but do I even want that? I guess that’s not something I have to think about quite yet.

Right now, the most pressing issue on my mind is when we're going to cut the cake.

10 Years Ago

Cece and Ben had a few days in between stops on their tour, so they decided to come into town to help Chantal celebrate the launch of her fitness company, Chaka.

They'd bought an RV so they could travel easily, and park at Dad and Pops' place whenever they were in town. It was starting to warm up, so we all decided to go for a swim in the pool.

"I'm really glad it worked out for the two of you to visit," Chantal told Cece and Ben.

"Of course!" Cece responded. "We wouldn't dream of missing your launch! What do you have planned for the big day?"

"Well, the main event is a fashion show, of course," Chantal explained. "But the thing I'm most excited about is announcing that we plan to donate a portion of our profits to help fund education for lower-income children."

"That's amazing, Chan!" Pops exclaimed.

"We're very proud of you!" Dad chimed in. "We're proud of all of you."

"But mostly me, right?" I joked. Just then, I felt a splash of water hit me and I saw Pops laughing gleefully.

"Hey!" I yelled, kicking water in Pops' direction.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist!" He apologized with a sly grin.

"Okay, I guess I kind of deserved that," I admitted. "Anyway, Chantal, how are you feeling about the launch? Are you nervous at all?"

"Believe it or not, I actually am," Chantal replied. "I'm mostly worried that it won't take off as fast as I'd like. I wish I could get someone with a higher profile involved to do some promo."

"That would be cool, but I'm sure you'll figure it out. You always do," I assured her.

"I hope so. It's too bad Hollis hasn't come back yet. I think she'd be the perfect person to help draw attention to Chaka."

"Hollis?" I scrunched up my face. "I don't know about that. I'm not sure she even wants to be in the public eye anymore."

"Maybe not, but if she does, I think it would be a great opportunity for her to get involved with a company with a philanthrophic mission. It could really help steer her reputation in the right direction."

"Well, I suppose you can ask her about it when she comes back."

"I will. So what's going on with you? Anything exciting?"

"Not really." I hadn't mentioned to anyone that I might possibly have feelings for Paul. It was silly; of course, I knew no one would have a problem with it, but I was still nervous at the idea of changing everyone's perception of me. Or maybe changing my perception of myself.

"Same old, same old," I lied.

Sidney: The showcase is coming up pretty soon, are you excited?

Cece: Yeah, I'm a little nervous about being on stage by myself, though.

Lexie: You'll be fine, you're really good!

Cece: Thanks, but I'm not so much worried about sounding good as I am about being comfortable up there.

Sidney: Humble as always! And you're overthinking it, as usual.

Cece: Hmm, you think you know me or something?

Lexie: How long have you two known each other?

Sidney: Since forever. Our dads are all friends. But we didn't really start hanging out until what, 6th grade?

Cece: Yeah, that's when I decided to start becoming more sociable.

Sidney: Still waiting on that by the way. I keep telling her to put herself out there more, maybe talk to some guys for once.

Lexie: So do I! Cece, you're so pretty and nice. You shouldn't have any problems finding a boyfriend.

Cece: Music is my boyfriend! Guys don't really know how to approach me anyway. I'm immune to pick-up lines. Tell me your 5-year plan and then we'll talk.

Lexie: You know, I'm really glad I ended up rooming with you. Between you and your siblings, I'm always entertained.

Cece: You're pretty cool, too. My last roommate sucked so I'm glad I didn't get stuck with another slob. Speaking of my siblings...

Cece: ...I probably shouldn't tell you this, but my brother is crushing on you pretty hard.

Lexie: What? He told you that?

Cece: Not exactly, but I can tell by how nervous he gets when he talks to you. He isn't usually shy. I can't say I'd recommend you'd date him, but he's a pretty good guy.

Lexie: Huh. I had no idea he felt that way.

Sidney: Don't try to change the subject! I didn't forget we were talking about finding you a man.

Cece: That's the last thing on my mind right now. All I care about right now is the showcase. I can't wait to get up on that stage and give it my all.

This is something new I'm trying out. It's meant to give extra insight into what's going on in Johnny's head but isn't an actual story post. I will post these whenever I want to give more context.

For a full-page view of this journal entry, see it on blogspot (I will posting all of the entries here as well).

Transcript:

[Photo of a journal cover, labeled "This Journal Belongs to Johnny." It has various stickers and reads "if you read this I will CRY loudly" and "I'm serious, if you read this I will be very upset and it will be very uncomfortable for everyone."]

When I first moved in with my dads it was harder than I thought it would be. I wanted to get out of my mom's house so bad but it was still the only home I’d ever known.

I didn't know how to handle it, so I was either having emotional outbursts or avoiding everyone. Even Chantal.

[Stylized picture of Johnny meant to represent a drawing] Caption: artist interpretation of a sad boi in his natural habitat

My dads didn't really know what to do with me. I was basically begging for help but when they tried I just pushed them away. I didn’t know if I could trust them yet.

Chantal was a little different. She was able to fit in with the rest of the fam but that’s because she buried all of her feelings.

[A torn piece of paper reading "Happy birthday, baby! Love ya, Mom"] Caption: the last bday card I got from my mom. From when I turned twelve

Cece had to adjust too. Imagine all of a sudden having two new siblings.

She REALLY didn’t like me at first. She didn’t know about everything that happened to me, just that I was loud and emotional and Chantal wasn’t. She didn’t know Chantal was hurting too.

[Polaroid photo of Chantal and Cece as teenagers smiling, captioned "the unproblematic children"]

Of course, we all went to therapy. It took me and Chantal a long time to open up, but Dad and Pops learned how to help us feel safe and Cece was able to understand us better.

Things aren’t perfect and probably never will be, but it’s nice having people in my life I can trust.

Johnny was having a rough life morning. He went in the bathroom stall to cry and Lexie started chatting with him through the stall.

Later it was time for some poolside fun. While Lexie and Cece chatted away, Johnny dealt with his sadness the best way he knew how--by relaxing in the sun (well, part of him was in the sun).