Listen, I don’t watch “Hogan’s Heroes.

Because, you know, Nazis aren’t funny. 

But some people think they ARE, I guess. Take MeTV, for instance.

They’ve got NO problem with this premise. 

That’s not a slam on MeTV. I like about 80% of what they show. Just not shit like THIS.

Whatever. 

The point is, they’ve been airing a commercial with Sgt. Schultz lately, saying his trademark catchphrase:

And while watching it for, like, the 10th time during an episode of WKRP, I made an off-handed remark like, “There’s actually a woman somewhere out there who actually let Sgt. Schultz plop on top of her & shove his tiny dick in & out.”

Even though I was trying to be funny (although not very), the idea of this interaction got me thinking. This statement, as crass as it is, was most likely 100% true. 

They say there’s someone for everybody in this world, so why not Schultz?

So, I looked him up & sure enough, John Banner (the actor who portrayed Sgt. Schultz on “Hogan’s Heroes”) was married not once, but TWICE.

Does that mean he was a nonstop, hardcore dicking factory? Not really. Does that mean he probably had sex with at least 1 of his 2 wives? Definitely. 

And after all that exhaustive research on John Banner, I found myself regretting the amount of time I spent thinking about a chubby character actor I don’t give a fuck about from a show I don’t give a fuck about.

I also regret watching 5 minutes of a film that he & a few other “Hogan’s Heroes” actors actually starred in that might as well have been a modern-day “Hogan’s Heroes.”

I also regret finding out that there’s a “Hogan’s Heroes” album out there, where the cast sings songs from WWII.

AND I regret that I kind of want to hear all of it, even though I listened to “Nightingale Sang In Berkley Square” & it was just as shitty as I expected.

Finally, I regret that 2 actors from one of my biggest guilty pleasures, “Gilligan’s Island,” were contractually obligated to do a half-assed intro to a promotional kickoff for “Hogan’s Heroes” in 1965.

It’s about as bad as any new season promos you’ve ever seen.

Oh, Bob. Oh, Alan.

This whole thing feels like there was either a lot of money or a lot of waterboarding going on. 

Schultz: *yells* Herr Kommandant! There is an ESCAPE!!

Klink: *stomps through the room with his riding crop in the air*

Klink: THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A SUCCESSFUL ESCAPE FROM STALAG 13! NOT WHILE I'M THE IRON EAGLE! NOONE ESCAPES FROM STALAG 13! THE MOST ESCAPEPROOF PRISONCAMP IN ALL OF GERMANY!