#sgme

[Shepard and Garrus are stuck in a time loop.]

Shepard: [during the briefing] Anyway I don’t know why none of you remember this! But I do know for a fact there’s no point in having ole Doc Chakwas examine us, AGAIN!

[everyone stares at Shepard. Cut to Shepard being examined by Dr. Chakwas]

Shepard: I ask you…What could possibly be in my eye that would explain this?

[Garrus is walking past the crew quarters on the Normandy, when a serviceman with his head buried in a datapad walks out and straight into him.]

Serviceman: Sorry sir, I didn't realize you were there!

Garrus: It’s... fine. Just look where you’re going.

[Liara’s office behind the med-bay. Liara, Garrus and Shepard are looking at images of a prothean device.]

Liara: If we really have had this conversation before, then I probably pointed it out to you that there is no way I can translate this entire text in less than a day.

Shepard: Oh, I am so ahead of you. [He retrieves an audio recording from his omni-tool.] I put the whole thing on tape last time so you don’t have to start from scratch.

[He presses play, but nothing is heard. Liara looks at him. Shepard hits his omni-tool on the table in frustration, to get it working.

Liara: If what you say is true, then when the loop started again then your recording wouldn’t have happened... yet.

Shepard: Right.

Liara: Look, if you two are the only ones with memories of previous loops, then you’re going to have to help me by learning and  remembering.

Shepard: Fine. [He takes one of the images.] How hard can it be?

[Liara takes it from him, turns it the right way around and gives it back to Shepard.]

Shepard: I distinctly remember sitting here, listening to Liara prattle on about mass relays and a… supernova… something.

Liara: Supernova mass relay displacement - I was just about to bring it up.

Shepard: There you go, how would I know that?

Liara: Maybe you read my report.

Joker: Maybe he *read* your report?

[The same serviceman walks into Garrus in front of the crew quarters.]

Serviceman: Sorry sir, I didn't realize you were there!

Garrus: You’ve said that on multiple occasions.

Serviceman: I...

Garrus: Perhaps next time, I... won’t be so forgiving.

Liara: On the other hand, it’s kind of an opportunity.

Shepard: How’s that?

Liara: Well think about it, I mean if you knew in advance that everything was going to go back the way it was then…

[Garrus stops writing to listen to the conversation]

Liara: You could do anything. For as long as you want, without having to worry about consequences.

[pause. Shepard rises from his chair]

Shepard: I should go.

[Shepard leaves. Garrus nods to Liara and also leaves]

[Shepard and Garrus are “playing golf”... by shooting alcohol canisters with sniper rifles, in zero-g, with breather helmets and mag-boots, off the bow of the Normandy, into the “hot”, outgoing transit zone of a mass relay. Garrus takes a shot.]

Shepard: Oh yeah! That’s how to play.

[He lines up a shot.]

Shepard: How far is Noveria anyway?

Garrus: Several billion miles, Shepard.

Shepard: That’s got to be a record!

[He takes his shot too.]

[The unfortunate serviceman walks into Garrus, again.]

Serviceman: Sorry sir, I didn't realize you were there!

Garrus: [calmly shoves the datapad into the serviceman’s face hard enough to knock him back through the door. The door closes. Garrus smiles and continues walking]

[Shepard and Garrus are still shooting alcohol canisters with sniper rifles]

Admiral Anderson: [shouting over the radio] Commander Shepard, what the hell are you doing?

Shepard: [shouting back] In the middle of my set-up?

[Shepard walks in wearing colonist clothing and carrying a datapad.]

Shepard: Uh, excuse me, Anderson.

[hands the Admiral the datapad]

Admiral Anderson: Commander, what are you doing out of uniform?

Shepard: Handing you my resignation.

Ashley: You’re resigning? What for?

Shepard: So I can do this.

[He grabs Ashley and gives her a big kiss, dip and all, in front of the shocked Anderson; cut to Reapers descending on to the galaxy]

Bonus:

Gabby Daniels: Normally if Specialist Traynor weren’t around, I doubt you would have been as reckless as you were.

Ken Donnelly: Are you insane?

Tali: Which one is Traynor?

Daniels: Oh, the short dark-haired...

Tali: Oh, right, the one with the perky little...

Donnelly: Do you mind?! We’re trying to work here.

Tali: For the record I was going to say ‘smile’.

Donnelly: Aye, I’m sure you were.

Joker: You know, we could be a team! You could be my sidekick!

Wrex: Sidekick.

Joker: Yeah, like Batman and Wrex. Has a nice ring to it.

Wrex: You keep eating like this, it’ll be more like “Fatman’.

Shepard: You dating anyone?

Liara: You mean like a woman?

Shepard: Or a man.

Liara: No.

[after a mission, Wrex has a shard of glass in his shoulder]

Wrex: Pull it out now.

Shepard: I can’t do that, it may have punctured an artery.

Wrex: Pull.. it... out.

Shepard: Yeah, yeah, I get it you’re a tought guy. If you want to take it out yourself...

[Wrex attempts to remove the glass]

Shepard: Are you crazy!?

[Javik has caught a squid-looking creature for dinner]

Javik: The taste leaves much to be desired but it will sustain you.

Traynor: [grimacing] Oh, no thanks. I’m not hungry.

Javik: You should eat.

Traynor: [to herself] This was my least favourite part of ‘Survivor’.

Shepard: [Typing in Joker’s password, who thinks Shepard can’t remember it] 16431897215542. See, it doesn’t take a genuis.

Liara: I-it doesn’t?

Shepard: 1643 is the year Isaac Newton was born. 1879, Einstein. And in 2155...

Liara: The year Joker was born.

Shepard: Never underestimate the size of that man’s ego.

Liara: Weren’t there other numbers?

Shepard: 42.

Liara: What is that?

Shepard: It’s the ultimate answer to the great question of life, the universe and everything.

[Liara stares at her blankly.]

Shepard: Admiral.

Admiral Shepard: Shepard.

[They turn to Wrex.]

Shepard: Wrex.

Wrex: Shepards.

[They turn to Grunt.]

Adm. Shepard: Grunt.

Grunt: Shepards.

[Traynor has been shot and is now full of medi-gel]

Traynor: Excuse me, why am I lying here?

Dr Chakwas: You have a bullet, Samantha, in your gluteus maximus.

Traynor: Well, that sounds painful. [lies face down on the operating table with a content expression and starts to play with the words] Gluteus maximus... glooo-tus maaaa... ximus. [mildly surprised] Oh my god, that’s my arse, isn’t it?

Dr Chakwas: Yes.

Shepard: Call me if she makes any sense.

[Shepard’s squad investigates a strange Reaper artifact]

EDI: Is that what made all these people kill each other?

Tali: I hope so.

Vega: You hope so?

Tali: Otherwise, there are two bizarre things going on, and one is more than enough for me, thank you very much.

Shepard: How are Cortez and EDI?

Cortez: [from an med-bay bed] He shot me!

Vega: [from an adjacent bed] They’re both fine.

Cortez: You shot me!

Vega: [visibly upset] Yes, Esteban, I shot you, and I said I was sorry!

Wrex: You shot me, too.

Vega: I’m sorry for shooting everyone!!

Turian Councillor: Commander Shepard, I’m going to assume you’re still at the Mu Relay waiting for Dr T’Soni to rewrite her program. I understand what you’re doing, Commander - Hell, I’ll even call it brave, but if you don’t turn that ship around immediately and come back to the Citadel, I’ll see to it personally that your career in the military is-

[Shepard slaps a button, disconnecting the communication]

Shepard: That way I won’t know what he was gonna say.

Engineer Donnelly: My turtles!

Shepard: What?

Engineer Donnelly: I just bought some wee baby turtles and no one knows how to feed them!

Shepard: Well, turtles are pretty hardy. I’m sure they’ll be fine.